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Monday, 20 May 2013 00:42

I wasnt born this way so I refuse to stay this way!!!

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So I have always been told to document my feelings, keep a journal, write it down. Well, here we go. Figure why not do it on here if it can help someone else. I am 43 soon to be 44, ick, and I have suffered from anxiety for over 20 years. It started when my youngest was born on 11/22/92. He was a month premature and had ventricular septal defect. I will never forget those words! Basically it means a heart murmur. Lots of people have it. Very common thing. Now if I was told that 20 years ago I would probably be fine today! It wasnt explained to me. I asked the dr if he was going to live and his reply was: "WE DONT KNOW". Thats it, end of conversation. REALLY??!! Well, I was sent home while Robert was in NICU. He had tubes all over and was in an incubator. That night was my first panice attack. I drove myself to the ER, my soon to be husband was not much help back then, and I was told I was having anxiety. Ok, Im not dieing, I can go home. Well, needless to say that was not my only trip to the ER. I made several. Finally one night, my anxiety was higher at night, I was treated by a paramedic who was helping in the ER. He asked if I drove myself, I said yes. He explained to me that if I can get up and move around and that helps, its not a heart attack, its the panic. I will never forget that. So ever since that night, if I can get up and move around I know i'm not going to die!! I wish I could find that man to thank him today!  Robert ended up with menengitis at 2 months old. Went through all kinds of tests, therapies, needles, tubes, IV's in the sides of his head. It was craziness. I now have a fear of medical problems. I also sit up many nights wondering where Robert is and he is 20! He was and still can be my trigger. He is perfectly healthy but also my wild child. Probably from shielding him and babying him his whole life!

Well, over the years I have suffered many forms of anxiety attacks. From feeling like a heart attack was coming, feeling like I will faint, a wave going up and down my body that just made me feel like jello, my face going all tingly. I have a new symptom now, my head involuntarily twitches while I have a split second of dizziness. This one is making me crazy!! I would honestly be happy with all the old symptoms, I knew how to deal with them. I have been to countless dr's: neurologist, ENT, cardiologist, therapist, psychiatrist and so on. My new neurologist, because I needed a second opinion, thinks I might have sleep apnia. There is no happy medium for me with sleep. 6 hours I feel like crap, 12 hours I feel like crap. I can sleep all night and feel like I didnt sleep at all. When I am tired, my symptoms are worse. Insurance doesnt want to cover the sleep study so we are appealing it now. Keeping fingers crossed!

I have made some drastic changes in my life. I quit drinking a year April. I was a very heavy drinker! (self medicating!!). I quit smoking, again, 18 days ago. I now have decided that I am going to start walking. Exercise, they say, is great for anxiety. I wouldnt know because I dont excersize. I will find out though. I also bought a Nutribullet to make fruit and veggie smoothies. I love it, when I use it. I have horrible will power!

Well, if anyone is reading this, god bless you for taking the time. I am now going to start typing in here hopefully daily, like its suggested. If this helps anyone else I think thats great. If it helps me, hey, great as well!! So if you all want to follow my journey I am more than willing to spill my guts and tell my deepest darkest secrets to those who want to read about it.

I wish everyone all the luck in the world on their journey to remove anxiety from their lives! I wasnt born this way so I refuse to stay this way!!

Last modified on Monday, 20 May 2013 09:10

7 comments

  • Comment Link krizia83 Monday, 02 September 2013 09:29 posted by krizia83

    Thank you for sharing and inspiring!

  • Comment Link kazmic Thursday, 20 June 2013 14:24 posted by kazmic

    I think changes in diet affect anxiety...we did a 3 week juice only fast and during that time I was fine. I had some amazing blood test results where the Dr was about to put me on meds and did another test after the juicing and all results were normal and I have had to decrease my thyroid hormones. I am going to do a longer one once the weather here in Australia warms up and see if the 3 weeks was just coincidence. The whole healthy eating no one agree's on...if you ask 10 people or 10 dr's or 10 naturopaths they will all tell you different things. Goodluck with your Journey...I too am determined to get rid of this monkey called anxiety

  • Comment Link BlueJay Monday, 10 June 2013 04:38 posted by BlueJay

    It does kind help to get these thought off your chest, kinda helps with the repetitive thoughts/worries I find. I just stated today and I think I will continue. I used to use a journal but I think I prefer typing plus I'm on the computer lots anyway, I thin this will be a better outlet that I will actually be able to use on a regular basis. fingers crossed.

  • Comment Link Kmso81 Wednesday, 05 June 2013 12:24 posted by Kmso81

    I believe acceptance is first thing to do to yourself, Refusal may remind you are not fine, and that makes you worry constantly.

  • Comment Link dszeto Friday, 31 May 2013 14:16 posted by dszeto

    You remind me of my mom! And I love her more than anything in this world as I'm sure your son Robert loves you.

    My mother too was a heavy drinker and smoker. She quit smoking a year ago. She never thought she could but now she's so happy and has no desire to ever start again. It was a lot easier than she thought it would be so stay strong!

    She also bought the nutribullet (and bought one for me) isn't it awesome?! I do half kale, half an avocado, a whole banana, 12 cashews, and fill it with cocunut water, and a dollop of peanut butter. It's so good!

    Very sorry to hear about your anxiety, but I truly think changes in your diet and exercise will be the right way to go. Perhaps getting more exercise throughout the day and wearing yourself out, you'll be able to sleep better.

    All the best! And keep writing!

  • Comment Link lil_lelo Friday, 24 May 2013 22:19 posted by lil_lelo

    your very inspiring...thank you

  • Comment Link sbarraclough1986 Monday, 20 May 2013 14:32 posted by sbarraclough1986

    amazingly candid. thank you

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