it can be what ever you likenot sure the courtesy either i'm sorrycuz it's just another selfieor just take it that it's therapeutic to be myself because no one ever said to mehey it's okay to be differentinstead the difference alienates everythingdon't embrace yourselfdon't wear that itjust makes you look uglysomeone will mention you to meand say hey your kid is weirdand it's just too embarrassing and still now that i'm older you still can't see who i amand why it bothers me so muchis because you think you know what is better for mebut how on earth do you knowwhat the fuck i needyou never asked me are you okayonly when you need something lifted, moved, or thrown awayand so then therefore i can't be your scapegoatanymorei'll run faster than ever -away -whereverif i can't just be myselfi'm done

it's not like i am that self absorbed well yeah it look as if but you know, yeahi have to beto fit inbut really, not to fit init's all i haveto fall back onso i have this defense mechanismthat changes me into a bitchit isn't youit's mebut also it is you reallythe way you come at menot you, reading but the ones who know or see there's something different inside of meand with casualty they'll prey up until they're both internally penetrating the inside of me both body and brainand yes i'm also to blamehaving a self destructive attitude myself they call it codependency and still yet i don't carefor lack of self worthwhich all came fromabusive men who've always decideded what's best for me and so now i say no, or yeah a hell yesbecause i am too old now to miss out on lovei don't care who you areall i know, what matters most are where my fucking boundaries are setand are not taken as quote on quote rulessee that is how they twist youby now though i believe i'm more self sufficientthough i do still rely on people including my…

they put a fence around our treeit's no secret to methe picnic table and bench have been removedit's ok though since your'e not even here anymore anywaydoesn't matter now there's a dog park there where we'd lieand kiss on the grass long after fouri remember early dawn you snapped a picture but i didn't find it till afterward after i developed the filmby then you were goneand i saw myself from the backsideand started to cryit hurt so bad to realize it was you who snapped that picturewe'd go there in the late evening after turning corners all night through the Berkeley Hillswe'd stop to the side where we'd talk and smoke cigarettes blowing smoke out the open top window i can't go on like this anymoreyou relapse on me and i can't take it anymoreit's been over ten years nowstill your'e constantly in my head on my mindand your'e not even saying anythingi guess your'e curse is now my cursewith no ending because i won't end up like youi tried, remember and they filled me up with fluidsso i'm sorry my friendyour'e deadbut i'm…

i'm on fire but my legs don't work while i have someone staring up my dresswhat am i -like thisthey don't see me in the way that i amsee me as someone they can reach their hands insomehow maneuver me into a twisted realityit won't happen