6 November 2014
Suffocating. That's how it feels. It feels like my mind is being suffocated. I can physically feel the heaviness and heat weighing down on my mind. And it scares me. I feel like i've lost control. And why, for what? What even brings on these episodes, attacks rather. Because that's what they are. Thoughts that attack you and bring you down. But how can I stop them from happening when I can't even pin point the thoughts that stir the emotions and make me feel this way?
i just don't know.
I came across this poem and I feel like it describes how I feel perfectly:
If I ever get hit by a car,
thank the man behind the wheel
Because he took me away
from a place I didn't want to be
And if I ever get shot
tell the man who pulled the trigger
That he just did what I was
Always too scared to do.
I just feel like that's exactly how I feel. It's like, I want to escape all this pain and suffering, but I am too scared to do so.
I am too scared to live. But i'm too scared to die.
Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast. Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying. Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.
Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.
I Consider myself to be a smart person. But even after so many years having Anxiety/Panic attacks i still find myself worrying that it really is a heart attack. I know that must be the "Fight or Flight" Response but it still is scary everytime! I have this fear that after so many years of having these Panic attacks that my heart must be worn out from them, that maybe the next panic attack will be the heart attack.
I hate Heart Palpitations. But the Cardiologist says my heart is fine. I am plus sized but i am working to change that. i think my weight is contributing to my anxiety very much. No excuses..I love food. i know even if i am average weight i would still love food. i just have to make better food choices and stick to that and plan my meals. I am also a pop addict. :( yes soda's..my favorite soda pop is coca cola. Yes it has caffiene. but in my mind i tell myself if i have heart palpitations i blame the pop. So why is this a never ending cycle? that is where CBT comes in to play. i know i am better now than ever before because changing thoughts and habits. But if you start reading this again you will think not really. i am still a work in progress But i am not as bad as i was in the beginning when my anxiety started in my teens. i was very housebound, always needing another adult around and have a car outside just incase and they better have a mobile phone! Yes that was me. I now am a mother of 3 and a stay at home mom..in my own house. i go out and take my kids for walks and i occassionally meet with friends and socialize..So yes CBT helped me. and i love my life despite the occassional anxiety/panic attack.
I can do this. I just have to be determined and keep trying. i hope you reading this will find peace and calm for yourself.
Much love and light.
I've never considered myself to suffer from anxiety disorders until the last few weeks because of situations at work. I've acutally been debilitated by this disorder, but wrote it off as being right about people trying to f...k with me. And I would prove they were right.
I'ts a form of PTSS. My mother was a jealous narcissit who didn't want me to be feel any self worth. She was the only one privileged. At the same time she could be very loving when I was down, so she could feel superior and pull me up. Then when I was up, she would pull me down, by debasing me, verbally accosting me. (There's no spell check here?). And that is my reaction to life. I go from extreme excitement when things are well, to complete downturns and panic attacks. I take everything personally and feel guilt about everything I do.
I want to trust people, but have been so dissapointed. But I still forge ahead with trust.
Right now, I'm miserable. Being a massage therapist and 500 years old and not getting bookings in the spa creates the most horrific panic. I think the spa director is out to get me and unfortunately I do have proof to back that up. And I'm not alone. So I'm in the most vulnerable position to be in for the anxiety and panic to occur. If only I could have the psrsonae that can bursh it off, and go ahed with life, but I can't. My whole life has been about issues where I fall victim to my panic and right now I feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety, and nothing, nothing, no deep breathing, no meditation, no self hypnosis... nothing helps. I feel completey hopeless and not in control over my life. Pathetic and useless. Oh, yeah, and old. Not really, but sorta.
Siblings & Fires
As a child life was not easy in my eyes. from the day i can remember i was the favourite out of 4 siblings. One older brother (now nearly 18) , One younger sister (nearly 16) , and One older Half-sister (25).
They hated me.
They bullied me, tormented me. Since i was a child. It happens all the time. I'm now a month away from turning 17 and it still happens. My brother suffers from ADHD and can be abusive when angry. He has shoved me once for having his shoe. He still torments me when he can. Just little digs but they hurt. My little sister was not as bad but she would just follow the others. Now days we dearly speak. She is under social workers due to many reasons and is bearly getting GCSEs (UK grades). The worse out them all is my oldest sister. She has always hated me. I was nothing to her but a waste of space. No matter what i do. just a few weeks ago she attacked me. In my room dragging me by the hair and punching and slapping me. All over hair products. She was forced to give me a apology by my mum & dad. However, I know she don't mean it.
We all live with my parents. Its a daily thing.
A few years ago there was a fire. My dad nearly died. I was 10 at the time. It was about 6/7am. was about to wake up for school when the fire started, flammable liquids started the fire. Our living room and kitchen was distoryed and everywhere was smoke damage. After the fire i was in shock. Didn't talk for days. It took two months for everything to recover. physically. I hated fire since. At age of 14 another fire. In the garden. It was 4am, i wake up to a bright light from the window, and i just saw flames. A uncle who hated us set fire to the shed. Everything burnt up. Including our poor rabbit.
I hated school. I was a target for bullies. SInce primary they picked on me and shoved me. I struggled with words. I was a slow learner due to being half deaf. I cried myself to sleep and i felt alone. As secondary school started i though it would be a new start. Make friends, and start something. I was so wrong..... It just got worse. I was beaten many times and then one day a girl set my hair on fire with a busten burner. I had very long hair so thankfully i was not hurt. My mum took me out of school and was home schooled till i was 12. I started a new school. Nothing really changed much. Just 2weeks into a girl punched me in the face because i looked at her weirdly. A few months later i had enough. A girl was tormenting me in the locker room and i just snapped. I don't remember a lot but she was not expecting it since she got a broken nose. Life, got a little better after that. made friends and i started being a little happy, the bullying never stopped but it didn't bother me no more.
My Mum & Dad
I loved my mum and dad. But there not perfect. My mum was abusive to my dad. meanly and physically. Was not the best way to grow up. Night after night it just seemed to got worse as i got older. I get hunted by memories of them. My mum suffers from depression and a lot of other things that i don't know much of. But she has huge anger problems. And refuses help. My dad is a gambler. he is addicted but, i'm the only person that knows. everyday he is on the gambling websites. When no one is around. I stopped him loads of times. However, i never confuted him. I'm just a silly teenager to him. He also has heart problems, and diabetes and a lot of other stuff. So i leave it.
Right now events
Both of my nans died of cancer (One is 2011, Other just few weeks ago) . We are planning the funeral that is on the 18 of June. My dad is waiting for heart surgery and my brother and younger sister is failing education. My older sister still lives with us and has no plans to leave for a few more years.
Since i can remember i had always had a little bit of anxiety because of all of this. However, i got sick in December. Its got a lot worse. I went to a doctor but due to ill health they where more worried about that. Once i was better (February) it got to a point where i could not continue education and my social life vanished. It could be something small to trigger. Memories, Small pains, arguments, or nothing at all! It just seems its only getting worse. I'm starting to give up and thinking this is going to be my life. My boyfriend of nearly 2years is feeling the stress and i'm worried about the future. I just don't know what to so no more. This has made my year (and life) hell. I'm lucky to sleep at 5am let alone at all. Also to add i live in London. So medical stuff here is limited due to the NHS. Please if anyone has any advise contact me!
I Don't Know What To Do No More.
well its been about 3 months since my very first panic attack and my introduction into the world of anxiety. i want to go back but it seems to be hard. i recovered twice in the past 2 months or at least i thought i was recovering. the first time i thought it was over, i was so happy to be myself again and then things start to get bad again. hand numbness and tingling, i felt so disappointed in myself as if i let myself down. the anxiety came back but this time i was scared of having a disease. every little head pain worried me, every tingle, every numb sensation. my face, my arms, my hands and feet you name it. although ive seemed to get over the feeling of 'The fear of fear" (i think) i now have a new foe i have to combat against, its health anxiety. i didnt feel this way the 1st month and a half of having anxiety. i was just scared something with set off a panic attack, i hated the feeling i had in the pit of my stomach. now im worried im sick, mentally ill, tumors, multiple sclerosis, bell's palsy. yea ive been looking up way too much online and maybe i should stop. i guess my online research has evolved as well. from anxiety help to 'whats this a symptom of, whats that a symptom of?" and the many things that come up are almost overwhelming. i hope i really am okay, i hope i can get past this feeling too and even more so i hope the fear stays away.