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Saturday, 18 July 2015 17:45

D/c seroquel for sleeping

Decreasing dose of seroquel (for sleep) from 50-75 to cero. When able to decrease to 25mg, had a panick attack at 1 am (while sleeping). Took 1/4 of a 25mg seroquel pill + 1mg Clonazepam and was able to sleep. Will continue with the 25 + 1/4 of another 25mg for a week, decrease to 25 + 1/8 of a 25mg and then try the 25mg only again.

Doing my best!

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Thursday, 06 November 2014 00:46

How it feels

6 November 2014

Suffocating. That's how it feels. It feels like my mind is being suffocated. I can physically feel the heaviness and heat weighing down on my mind. And it scares me. I feel like i've lost control. And why, for what? What even brings on these episodes, attacks rather. Because that's what they are. Thoughts that attack you and bring you down. But how can I stop them from happening when I can't even pin point the thoughts that stir the emotions and make me feel this way?

i just don't know.


I came across this poem and I feel like it describes how I  feel perfectly:
If I ever get hit by a car,
thank the man behind the wheel
Because he took me away
from a place I didn't want to be
And if I ever get shot
tell the man who pulled the trigger
That he just did what I was
Always too scared to do.

I just feel like that's exactly how I feel. It's like, I want to escape all this pain and suffering, but I am too scared to do so.

I am too scared to live. But i'm too scared to die.


- thatgirlmarilyn

Published in Diary
Monday, 03 November 2014 18:48

First Input

Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications  so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart's getting very old VERY fast.  Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying.  Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 September 2013 12:54

I will take my life back


  • Grnewh

    Wednesday, 04 September 2013 03:08 posted by Grnewh


    Mine started a few weeks ago with what I thought was a TIA. Later , thinking that i was heading for a stroke, I had this uncontrollable anxiety. Could push it back a bit but ended up in ER. they said. Uh huh, anxiety gave ma a large shot of and then little pills of atavan.....


    It'll go away for a day or three and lull me into complacency....then it hits again with new symptoms....this time unbearable back n neck pain ( I do have some spinal problems). I could only stop it by lying flat. Then, I thought.....hey, I'll bet..... I goofled the Interwebs..... anxiety does masquerade this way. Sneaky bastard.... Breathe ...mantra.... L'theanine and finally one o them little I'm angry at it and writing this....kill that mother loving (edited myself that time) anxiety....I will I will I will.......


    ReportComment Link


Published in Diary
Wednesday, 31 July 2013 02:54

When will i learn?

I Consider myself to be a smart person. But even after so many years having Anxiety/Panic attacks i still find myself worrying that it really is a heart attack. I know that must be the "Fight or Flight" Response but it still is scary everytime! I have this fear that after so many years of having these Panic attacks that my heart must be worn out from them, that maybe the next panic attack will be the heart attack.  

I hate Heart Palpitations. But the Cardiologist says my heart is fine. I am plus sized but i am working to change that. i think my weight is contributing to my anxiety very much. No excuses..I love food. i know even if i am average weight i would still love food. i just have to make better food choices and stick to that and plan my meals. I am also a pop addict. :( yes soda' favorite soda pop is coca cola. Yes it has caffiene. but in my mind i tell myself if i have heart palpitations i blame the pop. So why is this a never ending cycle? that is where CBT comes in to play. i know i am better now than ever before because changing thoughts and habits. But if you start reading this again you will think not really. i am still a work in progress But i am not as bad as i was in the beginning when my anxiety started in my teens. i was very housebound, always needing another adult around and have a car outside just incase and they better have a mobile phone! Yes that was me. I now am a mother of 3 and a stay at home my own house. i go out and take my kids for walks and i occassionally meet with friends and socialize..So yes CBT helped me. and i love my life despite the occassional anxiety/panic attack. 

I can do this. I just have to be determined and keep trying. i hope you reading this will find peace and calm for yourself.

Much love and light.



Published in Diary
Saturday, 06 July 2013 17:55

panic and fear in the workplace

I've never considered myself to suffer from anxiety disorders until the last few weeks because of situations at work. I've acutally been debilitated by this disorder, but wrote it off as being right about people trying to f...k with me. And I would prove they were right. 


I'ts a form of PTSS. My mother was a jealous narcissit who didn't want me to be feel any self worth. She was the only one privileged. At the same time she could be very loving when I was down, so she could feel superior and pull me up. Then when I was up, she would pull me down, by debasing me, verbally accosting me. (There's no spell check here?). And that is my reaction to life. I go from extreme excitement when things are well, to complete downturns and panic attacks. I take everything personally and feel guilt about everything I do. 

I want to trust people, but have been so dissapointed. But I still forge ahead with trust. 

Right now, I'm miserable. Being a massage therapist and 500 years old and not getting bookings in the spa creates the most horrific panic. I think the spa director is out to get me and unfortunately I do have proof to back that up. And I'm not alone. So I'm in the most vulnerable position to be in for the anxiety and panic to occur. If only I could have the psrsonae that can bursh it off, and go ahed with life, but I can't. My whole life has been about issues where I fall victim to my panic and right now I feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety, and nothing, nothing, no deep breathing, no meditation, no self hypnosis... nothing helps. I feel completey hopeless and not in control over my life. Pathetic and useless. Oh, yeah, and old. Not really, but sorta. 

Published in Diary

Siblings & Fires 

As a child life was not easy in my eyes. from the day i can remember i was the favourite out of 4 siblings. One older brother (now nearly 18) , One younger sister (nearly 16) , and One older Half-sister (25). 

They hated me. 

They bullied me, tormented me. Since i was a child. It happens all the time. I'm now a month away from turning 17 and it still happens. My brother suffers from ADHD and can be abusive when angry. He has shoved me once for having his shoe. He still torments me when he can. Just little digs but they hurt. My little sister was not as bad but she would just follow the others. Now days we dearly speak. She is under social workers due to many reasons and is bearly getting GCSEs (UK grades). The worse out them all is my oldest sister. She has always hated me. I was nothing to her but a waste of space. No matter what i do. just a few weeks ago she attacked me. In my room dragging me by the hair and punching and slapping me. All over hair products. She was forced to give me a apology by my mum & dad. However, I know she don't mean it. 

We all live with my parents. Its a daily thing. 

A few years ago there was a fire. My dad nearly died. I was 10 at the time. It was about 6/7am. was about to wake up for school when the fire started, flammable liquids started the fire. Our living room and kitchen was distoryed and everywhere was smoke damage. After the fire i was in shock. Didn't talk for days. It took two months for everything to recover. physically. I hated fire since. At age of 14 another fire. In the garden. It was 4am, i wake up to a bright light from the window, and i just saw flames. A uncle who hated us set fire to the shed. Everything burnt up. Including our poor rabbit. 


I hated school. I was a target for bullies. SInce primary they picked on me and shoved me. I struggled with words. I was a slow learner due to being half deaf. I cried myself to sleep and i felt alone. As secondary school started i though it would be a new start. Make friends, and start something. I was so wrong..... It just got worse. I was beaten many times and then one day a girl set my hair on fire with a busten burner. I had very long hair so thankfully i was not hurt. My mum took me out of school and was home schooled till i was 12. I started a new school. Nothing really changed much. Just 2weeks into a girl punched me in the face because i looked at her weirdly. A few months later i had enough. A girl was tormenting me in the locker room and i just snapped. I don't remember a lot but she was not expecting it since she got a broken nose. Life, got a little better after that. made friends and i started being a little happy, the bullying never stopped but it didn't bother me no more. 

My Mum & Dad 

I loved my mum and dad. But there not perfect. My mum was abusive to my dad. meanly and physically. Was not the best way to grow up. Night after night it just seemed to got worse as i got older. I get hunted by memories of them. My mum suffers from depression and a lot of other things that i don't know much of. But she has huge anger problems. And refuses help. My dad is a gambler. he is addicted but, i'm the only person that knows. everyday he is on the gambling websites. When no one is around. I stopped him loads of times. However, i never confuted him. I'm just a silly teenager to him. He also has heart problems, and diabetes and a lot of other stuff. So i leave it.

Right now events 

Both of my nans died of cancer (One is 2011, Other just few weeks ago) . We are planning the funeral that is on the 18 of June. My dad is waiting for heart surgery and my brother and younger sister is failing education. My older sister still lives with us and has no plans to leave for a few more years.

Help Me 


Since i can remember i had always had a little bit of anxiety because of all of this. However, i got sick in December. Its got a lot worse. I went to a doctor but due to ill health they where more worried about that. Once i was better (February) it got to a point where i could not continue education and my social life vanished. It could be something small to trigger. Memories, Small pains, arguments, or nothing at all! It just seems its only getting worse. I'm starting to give up and thinking this is going to be my life. My boyfriend of nearly 2years is feeling the stress and i'm worried about the future. I just don't know what to so no more. This has made my year (and life) hell. I'm lucky to sleep at 5am let alone at all. Also to add i live in London. So medical stuff here is limited due to the NHS. Please if anyone has any advise contact me!


I Don't Know What To Do No More.

Published in Diary
Monday, 18 February 2013 08:38

The best interview I ever hade

Published in Diary
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we are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!



We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!