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Saturday, 15 November 2014 11:50


I have trouble sleeping and the sedative that my psychiatrist prescribed helped me a lot. I am only supposed to take it for one week every 8pm, after that I should keep them around for emergencies. The other night I went to sleep without much trouble, last night was different. I was tense,  catching little sounds with my ears. I managed to sleep but woke up 3 hours later, I do not know if it was because of the anxiety or because of the stupid drag racing bikes in my neighborhood.

I tried to go back to sleep naturally, not wanting to be dependent on sedatives, but around 4 am I had to admit defeat and took 1/4 of clonazepam.  I awoke around 7 or 8 feeling particularly shitty. So I spent the day in my room watching youtube videos until I felt so sleepy that I  was dizzy. I took a nap and woke up  an hour later feeling nauseous, sweaty, this happened before and I had a panic attack. Now I am here, feeling better without having a panic attack thank goodness.

Hopefully, later I will be able to sleep soundly on my own without the aid of sedatives, and continue with my life.

Published in Diary
Monday, 13 October 2014 17:53


Hi everyone.  I am new to this site but I am really struggling so I thought I'd reach out.

I have been a generalized anxiety suffere for almost 10 years now and I've been off and on meds throughout that time.  I remember my life before meds and I was functional (maybe not super happy all the time, but functional).  My anxiety increased in my 20s and I decided to go on meds.


So recently I've been on 10mg of Prozac for about 3 years now and I'm thinking of having a kid so I decided to go off of the drugs.  About two months later I stood up from dinner and got really lightheaded.  My brain felt like it was being squeezed and my vision went all melty blurry.  I fell down and launched into what I guess was a full blown anxiety attack.  I've never had one before and it was obviously really scary.  It lasted almost 10 hours and I eventually went to the ER.

That was two months ago.  Ever since then it's like the anxiety beast is out of it's cage.  I feel lightheaded all the time (almost a dizzy feeling but with no vertigo).  My heart races for no reason, and I feel anxious a lot  without warning.  I am super scared of having another panic attack but most of all I just don't feel like myself.  This is interfering with every aspect of my life and I feel like no fun at all.  I am afraid to exercise or dance or do anything that might push my body to some unknown limit.  I get terrible headaches and generally just feel really weird.  If I drink a beer I feel even weirder. WTF is going on with me?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar to these symptoms?  I saw a GP and she suggested that I should go back on meds.  I am really hesitant to do that for a few reasons:

1.  I am afraid the meds have made my anxiety worse, to the point where I can't deal with it without taking them

2.  I want to have a kid at some point soon and I'd rather not be on meds

I really keep thinking that this will get better.  I have tried acupuncture, yoga, and herbal calmers but nothing really has solved the problem to any noticeable degree.  If anyone has any insight into this I would greatly appreciate it!  I just want my old life back.  I know I used to be able to not be on medication and function.  I feel like my brain is broken.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 13 August 2013 18:18

"Sam, I don't know what to say"

Everyone would rather I keep my pain a secret; hold it inside of myself like some rotting fetus I'm supposed to push out and bury. They'd rather I forgot and smile and laugh and engage like nothing is happening inside of my brain, inside my soul.

People don't know what to say when they've never seen a hole as deep as mine. They don't know how to save me, or even know that they should.

 Then again, maybe I'm just being dramatic.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 07 May 2013 00:27

Day One of the Forum


Day One of the Forum


My Background:

Episode 1: As a teenager I was a professional singer. I was raised to be a rock star, basically. I wasn't famous or anything but made pretty good money. My father was a brilliant guitarist who was in the band with me. I had the best music equipment and was able to work with brilliant musicians (all much older than me). After I graduated high school I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston. When I came home for my first summer break (Lincoln, NE) my father was arrested for embezzlement. It seems that's how he was funding my music career and college. The first panic attacked I had was in 1999, shortly before my 21st birthday. My father was just sentenced to prison I did not have the money to continue school in Boston. I was quite the pot head and suddenly I had panic attacks anytime I smoked. So I did the rational thing and quit smoking weed. It worked. No more panic attacks. I lived my life as normal, working, writing, hanging out with friends. When I was 24 I decided to go back to college for something entirely different. (Before it was music, now it was ancient literature and religion). One semester in my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I had a difficult time, but in general I was fine.

Published in Diary
Friday, 26 April 2013 17:22


The medicine I'm taking right now is the worst of them all. I feel really bad, light headed and my hands are shaking constantly.

Socialising is even harder than before: I can't concentrate nor look a person in the eyes. I constantly feel the need to detach myself from everything.

All in all, I'm afraid that if I tell my therapist everything I'm going to be hospitalised again, which isn't an option because she said that next is going to be a sanatorium.

I am scared.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and disappear. 

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 05 February 2013 18:41

introduction to myself

A bit about myself as an introduction


I am writing these diary entries as it helps me a lot with coping, but also incase it will help anybody else who is wishing to relate or offer advice.

I suffer primarly from emetaphobia, panic disorder, panic attacks and anxiety disorder.

i also suffer from a type of social disorder, and ocd and other phobias such as needles.

I have been having help since the age of 6 and am developing to cope better with day to day life..

I have overcome anerexia, partly needles due to CBT, depression and small daily tasks i have been unable to do in the past such as public transport.


I am currently 21 years old and am completing a degree in university, i do not live at home but i am with my partner who is the most amazing person in the world and i love him dearly.


so this is a little about me

feel free to get in touch, i am more than happy to talk to people over chat :) and listen to anybody who would like to talk x

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 05 February 2013 18:39

Doctors + Sertaline


Well, I dont know about anybody else, but visiting the doctors is so nerve racking.. i fear the unwell people around me, germs, and anything the doctor may say.

found something useful.. if anybody gets nervous in the waiting rooms, take a kindle! the need to concentrate on the story helps the time go faster and reduce the anxiety and panic x

But atleast its good news for me today :), i am however also upping the dose of sertraline to 150mg... anybody else on this medication? and on this dose?? it is tripple the dose i was on a couple months ago. whats your views on it??

Atleast i have a very understanding doctor who rreally goes the extra mile to understand, listen and do the best she can for me, i really appriciate it :) its nice to have someone you can trust with your health and wellbeing.



Published in Diary
Sunday, 13 January 2013 12:43

Be An Active Patient

Is medication the only way to deal with anxiety?

What we all need is to understand that medication is an aid to recovery.  It’s a shame that long term sufferers are not given better help to overcome their illness. While every case is different and some more traumatic in how the illness has developed or evolved, there is always a way to help.

The human mind is a powerful tool and is underestimated in its ability to heal and recover as so much of it is used needlessly in sustaining thought patterns and functions that are detrimental. This has long been documented that the human brain operates in this way to adapt to survive. When we are a child and learning it is a regular occurrence- don’t touch that it’s hot, yet a child will out of curiosity and the need to learn ignore warning, but, the pain felt registers in the brain- don’t touch that it’s hot and will hurt.

As an adult we form self education we develop the ability to create opinion and apply it. However, this means we stop wishing to learn as we believe we have made all the right risk assessments and no longer need to learn. We know now not to touch a hot stove; we understand to look both ways when crossing the road. We don’t however always apply this when it comes to our health. We like to be told by people who did carry on learning what is best.

Every medication is different, and interacts with other medications in a different way- the developments in medicine are amazing. In Chemistry lessons I bet we all thought I don’t care about this mixing with that I will never need to know. Wrong.

Sometimes learning is more empowering than you think- not boring and overwhelming but gratifying and life-changing.

I have personally swapped medications 3 times and relied on the doctors thoughts on my side effects each time when I could have just read the instructions or gone online to do my own independent research.

Anxiety related illness is often treated by depression medications- depression is a product of the anxiety often this is why the two are linked. Initial diagnosis is often that a person is depressed and then when we go deeper we find the root cause although a traumatic event or series of events usually exacerbated by behaviours displayed in anxiety sufferers. Panic Attacks may not always happen regularly and so as a one off are often put down to stress.

I have personally swapped medication three times, and now on ‘Sertraline’ which has been proven although an anti depressant to aid anxiety suffers more effectively and with less side effects than other drugs.

This is true certainly of many people I have spoken with but all cases are based on medical fitness (other medical conditions) and mental state/severity of problem.

The most important thing about Medication treatment of Anxiety Disorders, or Depression is research.

You have to help yourself, be an active patient- ask questions; don’t just jump on a bandwagon because its trending CBT is not for everyone the same way medication is not, but you must find out! A doctor can not know how you are feeling just by looking at you- because you are physically upset does not necessarily mean that you need medication.

Tips for getting through your journey:

1.Write things down! Whether it be how you feel on new meds, reaction to situations or a Journal- it may help you and your doctor in your treatment.

 2.Consider talking to someone- it is always when you are ready too – ASN is a great outlet available that means you can have facelessbut find out about how to get free counselling non evasive is out there, see if your work offers a service- Google it!

3.Ask questions- Knowledge is power and with that power great things can be achieved.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

In my third week of eating gluten free.  I hope to start seeing benefits to my eczema on my hands.  They are constantly in pain and itch.  I've been noticing I am getting chest pains again.  I hope it is not a sign.   I did have two anxiety attacks in the last 6 months of being on this new medication (Cipralex)  However I have been able to catch myself and manage it with breathing and relaxation.   (This medication definitely does not have the numbing affects of the Paxil  I've taken for over 7 years which is good) 

I am also doing much more on the home front,  working earlier to leave earlier and pick up the kids off the bus and bring them to their extra-curricular activities while my wife has the equivalent of 2 full time jobs  working on 2 projects and teaching college.    

Published in Diary

Last month, on September 3rd, I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere after coming home from IHOP at 3am in the morning. I felt some strong social anxiety at IHOP and knew something was wrong, but I freaked out about an hour after I got home and lost it, and thought I was having a heart attack! I wasn't of course, but when it had happened I felt so weak I thought I was going to collapse, my head was spinning A LOT, and I felt impending doom. After they dealt with me at the hospital by giving me fluids and some ativan through an IV, I had complained to them about my stomach being all torn up recently. It was IBS type symptoms, but I wasn't specific because I was just getting over my biggest panic attack ever. So, they gave me Nexium, and some ativan. I took the Nexium and before you knew it, my stomach BLEW UP! All of a sudden I had acid reflux, I couldn't sleep in my bed, because the acid would run up my esophagus and was causing me to be extremely nauseous and the acid was slamming against my gastric ulcer, or ulcers constantly. I was not only full of anxiety, but now, I was constantly scared that I was dying because of my issues!

I went to my doctor the next day and got her to give me a prescription for Buspar. As a back story, I've been on Lexapro for years, but about three years ago I complained to my doc that the sexual side affects were too much, and I was far too tired all of the time. I had been seeing someone and I wanted to be able to "perform", so, we tried new medications. NOTHING worked. Everything was worse than the Lexapro. Cymbalta made me so that I couldn't walk across the room at work, Pristique made my heart pound through my chest, I tried Celexa again, and it just was a no go. Must have been because of the Lexapro, and so, it was deemed that nothing was working and I was very susceptible to the side affects of all this medicine, so he gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to hang in there. Which, I did, until the last part of last year when I started having an extremely hard time. I started having constant anxiety, and I could NOT shake it. I told him, and I may have tried Lexapro again, that slips my mind, but I guess the side affects were still too much. So, for the last three years, I've been off and on meds, but more OFF them, and that came back to haunt me last month when I had the worst panic attack I've had in 11 years, and am continuing to deal with it as we speak.

I've come dependent on the Xanax, and the Buspar at 20mg, 2x per day does not seem to do the job entirely. I have been haunted by dark thoughts of dying now and at an old age, so dying at all and I can't stop my mind from racing. I am having more and more mini-panic attacks, I just had a crazy episode not two hours ago that has just let up. I can't exactly call my doctor now because it's a Saturday, but I believe I need to be tapered off the Buspar and back onto the Lexapro. I still have a full bottle, so it is possible to start immediately but I don't want to do ANYTHING without his approval.

I've since quit the Nexium and calmed my stomach down with a Aloe Vera Stomach Formula drink and Zantac, with more natural stuff on the way, but even though my stomach has improved the last few days, my stress still tears at it, and I'm still suffering from harsh night time reflux and have to sit up in my chair. Nevermind that before the Nexium, I never had this problem. IF I had a hiatal hernia, it certainly never bothered me with the short episodes, which were few and far between. I've had to change doctors because the last one didn't take me seriously about the problems the Nexium was causing, which included sending a pulse to my chest and making my arms and neck buzz and tingle that kept me from sleeping at night, and the new doctor tried Prilosec, which worked, but had the same symptoms, and between that and the BUSPAR I could barely operate. So, since maybe Thurs. of last week, I've been on Zantac and Aloe Vera, with antacids. I'm hoping that gets better sooner than later because it's making me stress more! It's one big vicious cycle. He also setup an appoint with a specialist to get me scoped from both ends to confirm my IBS/Ulcers, and probably Acid Reflux issues and make sure nothing worse was going on in there, which, in itself, has me frightened, because of the unknown of the tests and if there could be anything worse going on with me. I'm not bleeding from either end, so if there is, I can only imagine at the very least it's not advanced staged. I think that in itself is crazy however also, because more than likely it's just a more sever form of IBS and a few Ulcers getting slammed by the Acid that the Nexium made 100% worse for weeks on end until i figured it out!

So here I sit, tripping like crazy, trying to keep my mind off all of this negative stuff while waiting on getting the endoscopy and colonoscopy all at the same time. All of this weighs heavily on me. I can't even make it in to work and had to get the boss to do a schedule change for me, which I'm hoping will eleviate some of the stress, since my schedule is 5:45am, and I haven't been able to sleep at night. So now, I'm gonna work at night, try and sleep during the day.

I am NOT doing well right now and I'm having a very hard time! I may even have to go ahead and let my car go because I'm missing so much work. Which means, I will have to call the bank and negotiate some type of return and then pay off any excess balance that I might be upside down on over time and ruin my credit on top of that I imagine. I just can't afford to live like I had been and that would be the first thing to go. :(

I just want my life back. :( I'm going downhill fast, and the only support system I have are friends on Facebook. Some are helpful, but ultimately, I have no one here with me to tell me it's going to be ok and I'm hurting.

Published in Diary
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we are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!



We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!