So hi guys... first i want to say sorry for my bad english.
Lets bring it back when i was kid. i was always told i am shy and my parents told me that thats normal and its not a bad thing its great thing. so i told my self ok but ill try to change.
then school happend and in Croatia we have primary school and it was hell from me... i was shy and my ''teammates'' from class... hmm... i was beaten a lot and so from 5th grade to 7th grade they broke my legs and arms cuple times like i told u it was hell for me and then i went deep i was alone... alone... with my brain... then i decide to tell my mother ether u transfer me in other school or i will fall one class and it was in 7th grade that means in Cratia if i fall i will need to do extra year... again in 7th grade... my mom regrets now that she didnt transfer me and i was feeling better when i fall that class... i know i am not dumb and every1 was suprised that i did that and t was wierd i was good student but i was afraid to speak and i had good grades then 1 year i fall... but next 2 years was good 7th and 8th grade was perfect i meet a lot of good friends and by a lot i mean 2-3 but to me thats a lot... then high school came... and in high school... it was better but not that better... i didnt get beat up but i found this girl and we were together for 7 months and she understanded me then she left me and told me she was cheating on me... that sucks and then worst thing happend... my family didnt have much money i was poor and then my dad took his gun from war and shoot him self 5 m in front of me and my mom... and guys it was aaaaaaaaaaaaa worst thing ever but i had to stay cool and strong for my mother and sister and older brother... so i never cried... well didnt cry iin front of them and i know thats not a good thing to hide it but understand me i needed to be strong one... but i lived trough that and feel deeper and deeper... then i started to be in fear of people... there was period when i was thinking ppls will kill me and every1 hates me... it was bad rly bad... than i meet one good friend of mine and he was a dj and music producer he teach me everything and today i still work on music... and if anyone is intrested great way to express ur feelings trough music :D... so like i said i started with music and then gigs came... it was awesome all these ppls looking at me as a god for 1 hour...feelings is awesome but then i started usinng drugs... it went from awesome to not even good... and i will tell this to every1 soome weed it will relax u... but pls dont use speed or all that shit... i went so deep i was locked in my room for cuple months its that bad... 4 walls... 24 hours a day... dnt do cocain and that shit... trust me its bad... and now we come to this day... today.. i meet a girl and we were tgether for 1 year and we broke up 2 days ago and i am back in this shity state of saddnes and scared to come out of my room... but i told my selff ill i will go back in music ill dj again but i will set rules and when i set them i wont brake them... so what i am trying to say i still have a big emotional problem and HUGE social problem but i am trying to fix it and u should never stop trying and if there is some1 who want to talk let me know pls... if u want to try doing music for a theraphy let me know.. i know that helped me to express feeling to every1.
Thanks for reading and hope to get contacted so we can talk :D
I'm at school. Really anxious. I can feel it. My panic attack is coming. Every time, at 8:40 it begins. First period. I'm getting so tired of getting these panic attacks everyday when there is school.
I’m 36 years old. I suspect I had started showing signs of Social Anxiety when I was a child, but was never diagnosed. In fact, I was actually brushed off as being shy or not wanting to be part of a group including my own family. I would sit by myself and withdraw. I would fight with my parents about sitting in front of the camera for family videos (though I think that came more from being a child than anything). But, even for all of this, I was still able to interact with people, though I was shy about it. I look back now and I wonder, if I had started showing signs, how did I function?
(I describe my ability to function as this: Being able to accomplish tasks with confidence in my talents (whatever they may be) and not worry about looking or sounding as though I lack intelligence.)
I had mental dam that had been keeping all of the fear, doubt, and anxiety in check over the years. But, during my mission cracks began to appear and little bits of that fear, doubt, and anxiety began to leak out, but not enough to inhibit my work. During my time at BYU-Idaho, some of those cracks got worse and more began to form. The anxiety started to get worse. I really tried hard not to make friends or looked for ways avoid social activities such as FHE (Family Home Evening). When I did go, I withdrew into myself.
If I knew what had been happening…I actually don’t know if I would have sought help. I had gone through BYU-Idaho’s counseling services to seek help for anger management and wasn’t impressed. Anyway, during the second semester of my time at ISU, something happened to cause that dam to break and the raging river of fear, doubt, and anxiety flooded my mind. I’ve been dealing with Social Anxiety ever since.
I have spent countless time, money and work really hard to get to where I am, but I just don't understand why the hoildays are always such a struggle for me. It's like I become paralyzed. All the tools I've developed, all the positive self talk I use, just leaves me. I make plans to do something, go to a yoga class, read a book, or cook and I end everyday saying tomorrow I'll do it, but tomorrow it's the same state of paralysis. I revert back to this catatonic person that just sleeps, eats, and watches tv. I've been told that when we suffer from social anxiety our bodies go into this flight, fight or freeze condition. I wish I could find a way out of it.
I know eventually this paralysis will release it's hold on me. I use to get depressed all the time and I would just forgive myself for having a bad day and having to spend the entire day in bed, but when you've been making some good progress and on top of that you've planned to spend your holidays like this (I turned down two thanksgiving dinner invitations, my family would love to have me go home, but stayiing home alone seemed like a better option than either of those options) the paralysis and depression seems like such a failure.
I realize what I hate about the holidays is that it feels like weekends times ten. I much rather work on the weekends to avoid having to do anything social, but on the holidays everyone is out partying, out socializing and I can't do it. It makes me feel bad and I get down on myself because I don't have the ability to participate. I know I have to forgive myself for this and I often tell myself that I'm working on it and doing the best I can, which usually works, but nothing works for the holidays, just writing this diary entry was an accomplishment; probably the only thing I'll do all day.
Oh well, at least I have faith that the storm will break some day. Waiting it out 'til then.
I figured I'd start with today, and by telling you how I've come to it. I started having problems with social anxiety in high school. Although I'd experienced social anxiety before, and racing thoughts and everything, I managed to overcome them when I was a little younger (maybe ages 11-14). The anxiety came back however and I've battled with it ever since. I know that my anxiety was triggered by some experiences that I've had ove the past 12 years or so. I'm 24 now. Factor 1) My parents were prety strict, which isn't in itself a problem. The problem is/was that they were too strict about my social interaction. I never went to parties. I saw my friends in marching band or at cross country or tennis practice, but that was it. I rarely went with my friends anywhere. I remember going to one baseball game. spending the night every now and then at a friend's house. That was it though. I didn't have a lot of social interaction (mind you, I blame none of this on my parents... the genetics have something to do with it too... but I have to tell you that these are the factors that contributed). You've gotta remember also that I'm an introveted, introspective person, although at one point I was very social. I still think A LOT THOUGH, probably too much sometimes, and I'm VERY sensitive to how other people feel. So now we're in high school. I'd always had problems and been insecure about my peers because of how judgemental people had been at school. The main issue was that I didn't fit the mold of what was normal. In my case, I didn't fit because I'm black, but well spoken, "well" dressed, and smart. So that was a big issue in middle school/high school starting out. But I managed to beat that pretty much as well. My 9th grade year was a little tough, but nothing abnormal. What comes next is waht REALLy, really, really, really, definitely destroyed me... My sophomore year I started dating a girl that was a grade below me. She was very insecure, and kind of uptight. She already had problems with depression and self esteem, and anxiety as well. I did not, at least nothing out of the ordinary. I made her my world. And she attacked the part sof me that hadn't been touched yet by the average bully or high school idiot. That when I got a new interest I really went for it, and I went all in (which was true... but not bad, or abnormal. I'm just a passionate person who KNEw when I wanted something). That I had confidence in my looks. She was just... very critical and, kind of "bi-polar" about when I was an acceptable person or not. I could do anything (whether it was saying something, or doing something) and I never knew what to expect. So... I started to doubt myself. Couple that with me still being slightly insecure about people ridiculing me anyways, and my strict household, lack of outside social interaction... you get the picture. I dated this girl for 3 years, and she was really the only person I spent any time socializing with to any degree of significance outside of going to school. By the time I graduated I was so insecure, and didn't know it. The only thing holding me up was her being there, and she was barely doing that. She was the only constant. And she wasn't consistent at all. Went to an HBCU (historically black college or university) my freshman year, which put me in with a group of people that in the past had been VERY unaccepting and harsh toward me. I didn't want to go, but I kind of had to. I had a full scholarship and my parents didn't have the money to send me anywhere else. Well, I went... and my social anxiety got the best of me, for good it seems since then... I snapped. Anxiety skyrocketed. I stopped going to class. Got depressed because of how I was feeling. It was horrible. I came home mid second semester. In March, 2008. Went back to school at a more traditional, and better integrated college that fall. But by that time my anxiety had gotten so bad that I couldn't handle people at all... I just couldn't. And I left school and moved home. I've been on and off medication for the past 4 years. And I've been diagnosed with being "bi-polar type II"... which I now know that I'm not. I just... was so anxious that I probably didn't communicate well enough with doctors and between that and me trusting their hunches too much, that's how I got that diagnosis. I started to experience symptoms of being bi-polar AFTEr I got on meds... stopped taking them completely and stopped counseling this May because I've had a really big amount of progress as far as my "spirituality" (don't subscribe to any religion) over the past year and a half or so. It allowed me to change my perspective. And if I'd had that tool when all of this started, I may have been able to overcome. The phobia of being attacked for no reason at all is there now though. And I am SOOo burdened by it at times. When I'm alone it's fine. Even then I try not to get depressed thinking about it though. About how I still live at home now and work a part time job. I want to get out of here and just.... start. I know I need counseling. But I need the RIGHT counselor. And I... I... I just don't know. I haven't been able to beat this depsite all my trying. I'm so discouraged. I have to go re-learn chemical nomenclature now to help a friend study... I'm literally going crazy haha... at least, that's what it feels like sometimes. I'm ready to move. But I don't want to do it by myself. I don't want to fall further into this hole.
Most days I am in decent control of my anxiety and depression. I am teaching myself to work through these struggles and to relax.
But today was very bad. It started with my homework. I'm in my third year of college and I don't like it. I've never liked school. I feel like it's a waste of my life and that I should be out there doing something else and not having my face shoved into a textbook on some dry topic. But my homework is in a law class. I'm not a law major, yet my school is forcing me to take a law class. I am severely struggling with it already. The instructions for assignments the teacher gave are confusing and overwhelming. I am not a law student because it's not my interest and I don't understand why I have to do this. It is torture. I have a strong desire to not want to do things that I find uninteresting. I want to seek knowledge on my own time, at my own pace, by my own rules.
As you can probably tell, I am quite the complainer. I know that. This is a huge problem. It's why I have no friends and why my family is slowly beginning to not want me around anymore. But I truly can't help it. Believe me, I wish I could. But like anything with mental illness, it is not as simple as "get over it" or "lighten up". If it were that easy, then do you really think people would still be walking around with anxiety issues and depression?
Anyway, other than my brain-washing homework, I went out for a break to the library to get a book on the topic of my homework. While at the library, a young man approached me (He was maybe a couple years older than me) and straight out asked me out on a date. I was floored. My anxiety shot through the roof. I immediately said "No" and "Leave me alone" and stomped away. He wasn't a creeper or anything; he was actually a normal looking man. But i just don't care. I should point out that I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone. I want to be alone right now. I don't believe in pursuing a romantic relationship with anyone. I just don't want it. I want to focus on myself and working on my own problems because I already know no one wants to hear them.
Later tonight, I was looking forward to my favorite television show. However, with my anxiety and depression at an all time high, I told myself that I wasn't worthy of watching it. I didn't deserve that little bit of happiness. I am a pathetic person who will always be this way. I don't deserve happiness, even if it's in the form of a 30 minute television program. Also, since my father is around so much, I can't do anything I enjoy doing because he bothers me really bad. I am very sensitive to noise, and he is the king of making annoying noises. He never stops. He also walks very hard and it makes the floor shake, so I can never relax when he is home from work. This makes my anxiety worse!
So this was my day. It was horrible. Most days aren't this bad, but they're happening more often lately in the past couple years. That's all for now,
Im 34 now, and i have been dealing with social anxiety for the past 15 years or so. My situation may be different from others by only how my anxiety began. I had such a great life. Great parents. Unfortunately, i got involved in crystalmeth and was a addict for about 10 years. I went through all that one could go through by going to a number of rehabs, being homeless at times, going to prison, and days full of pain and hopelessness. I have been sober now for the past 6 years and i still suffer from social anxiety. I thought the toughest part would be quittting the drug, but now that im sober, i still suffer from these symptoms. At times, i feel like things will never get better. I have gone to therapists, taken medication, and i still feel like nothing is working for me. I feel like im losing my mind. I have a fiance now and she has been great, but when i feel like my anxiety is too much for me to handle, how can i provide a happy life for her and the family that we intend to have? Im tired of feeling this way. What can i do? How can i deal with this? I wasnt born this way either. Im in a very dark place right now and i really could use some support and advice.
Just had another panic attack, I have stopped taking the amitiptyline I was prescribed because I don't think that it agrees with me. Hopefully going to the gym will make me feel better about myself.
So, I somehow convinced myself that this was going to be a good idea. Everyone reassured me that it was a fine idea when I explained it, so I felt okay about it. Here is a graphic representation of what I envisioned along with a poem that inspired me.
The idea was that I would buy a balloon and give it away. This is how I saw it. A great time, framed by this whimsical poem of spring. I imagined that I would be a little awkward like Cummings' balloon man, but I would make people happy. That's not quite how it went.
First, I went to the party store. I picked out a big monkey balloon. A big monkey balloon. I tied it to a hair band around my wrist. I drove to a store I was not accustomed to. I felt lost as I wandered through the isles looking for someone to give the balloon to.
I felt like people were staring at me because I was carrying a giant monkey balloon. They were. I knew I should look them in the eye and smile. I think they were grinning at me. But I started feeling self conscious. Where was my inner extrovert when I needed it?! "Square your back, chin up, don't look at the floor," I told myself. And just then I saw a mom with a toddler.
I approached my "prey." I asked the mother if she wanted a balloon. Her eyes widened. She looked flustered. I freaked out."Oh, no. Oh, no. What does she think is wrong with me? Oh, no. Oh crap," Uncertainty crept through my spine like seeping, black, fog. That made her feel even less sure. As I drew the balloon toward her, she tensed. Okay, this was stupid. "Well," I said, "he's probably too young"
"Yeah, too young... I was going to say," she responded. I walked off. AGH! Why did I decide to walk around Walmart with a giant monkey balloon? Could I please explain that to myself again? How did this seem like a great idea? I felt like a big, stupid, clown. It was as if the monkey was screaming, "Idiot! Idiot!Idiot!"
I hid in the toy isles and pretended to look at some Batman action figures. I felt a burning in the back of my eyes. Was I going to cry? "Dear Heavenly Father," I prayed, "Please do not let me cry in Walmart while holding a monkey balloon."
I emerged into a clearing of children's clothes. I passed some people who stared at monkey and me. I felt ashamed. I had to get rid of this horrible, smiling, banana munching anathema of evil. A girl of perhaps three or four and her mother were picking out clothes. They had their backs to me. Great, now I had to get their attention.
"Um," I stammered, "excuse me." They turned around. "Um, I was buying balloons for a friend" a partial lie, only a partial lie, "and I had this extra balloon" that was true, "and I'm trying to give it away." She looked slightly confused. "So, um, do you want it?"
Ahh! This awkwardness surpassed Napoleon Dynamite! "Sure," she said politely. Turning to her daughter, "It's your birthday next week anyway, isn't it?"
The little girl happened to be wearing a monkey hat. "It matches your hat," I said. She smiled as I transferred the burden from my wrist to hers. I felt like Frodo finally dropping the ring into the volcano. I turned to go. "Thank you!" the mom said.
When I got to my car, I felt like the most giant loser on the planet. What had I been thinking? "Stupid,stupid, stupid!" I told myself. I suppose, in feeling these things, I was doing what my therapist, Dr. Headman, tells me I often do. I was figuratively sticking an ice pick into my leg and twisting it all around. I didn't actually do anything wrong. In a sense, it happened a bit like I had imagined, but with minor set backs that I blew out of proportion. I gave a little girl, who obviously loved monkeys, a giant monkey balloon a week before her birthday. 'nough said.
Sometimes, people think that shy people are snobs and that's why they don't interact more. A cool, quirky girl wrote a blog entry that discusses how this is usually not true.
In the case of people with anxiety, it's not that they don't like people or don't want to have positive interactions with them. It's not that they don't want to make friends. It's that it's hard for them. They may feel foolish, as if they're carrying around a giant monkey balloon and are inevitably going to elicit rejection.
Until my next awkward adventure,
Namaste (bye in Napalese)