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Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

Hey

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Tuesday, 02 February 2016 01:29

When I can't sleep

So one night I can't sleep and a game just came into my head. Might sound wierd when I explain it in a second, but puts me to sleep most of the time. So if you want to try it here it goes.

 

You have the alphabet A-Z as we all know.

Chose a subject, which can be as broad or narrow fielded as you like. Such as country names or character names from a certain movie.

This is where the alphabet comes in. Starting at A, think about something begining with that letter that relates to your subject you chose. Then work your way through the rest of the alphabet in order.

 

I know it hard to explain on here, so let me walk you through an example to help.

Lets start by chosing our subject, say fruit. Starting at the letter A, we could say Apple. Then we move to B, might say Banana. Repeat this for every letter that you can, progressing towards Z. If you got through the alphabet then do another round, chosing a different subject.

 

Ok now lets run through a broad subject like geograpghy. Say we progressed to the letter F, we could say forest, as it is related in some way. Then repeat again like the other example.

 

So there it is, like I said it works for me most of the time. Might have to do a few rounds, but does really put me to sleep

Published in Anxiety Support groups
Saturday, 14 November 2015 23:16

Alone

.... I feel so angry, distressed. I don't know what to think when I am like this... I can be mad and say mean stuff to people when I am like this. I don't know how to act. :(

I am certain this is because of my upbringing. 

I have started with this place that try to help people with problems get work. 

So.... like... I might get work. 
I am scared I will say something mean to people. 
It's hard to control sometimes when I am like this. :(
It makes me feel so bad. 
I don't want anyone to feel that I hate them or something, I just... it's just something stuck. 
:(
It's so hard.... to be with people... to act nice. 
I know it isn't others, and on days like this it's good I stay home. 
Maybe I am lonely? I don't even know my own feelings. What are feelings?
I feel lost... 

Sigh...
Lost... worthless... I just don't want a part of this like. 

Maybe it's trauma? 
Sometimes when walking home as a kid... I often got distressed, because I didn't recognize my own home. 
When I walked up to the house, I was like "What if there is other people here? Do I know them? Is this my home?", it was scary... those moments I was so scared closing in on the house, I didn't know what to think. I felt so lost. 
How can a child feel so lost right in front of their own home? Of their own door? I felt relief when the door opened and I saw I was home, but those moments... it was stressing my brain out. 
I never thought of my familie as related to me. 
I never felt like I belonged. I felt hated.
People hated me.... 
I don't know what I am. Who am I? I am me... I have to say that to myself sometimes... that I am me. 
Why do I feel such panic? It's so weird... what does it mean... did I have emotions? I don't know why everyone hated me... I tried to be nice. :(

....

I guess I should be glad I have forgoten lots of my life, this kinda "amnesia"... 
I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if I recalled it all. The stress... I hardly can cope as it is... the brain is a wise thing. It's at least able to close circuits to calm my head. 
I felt so bad last year... I still feel lost like hell,  but it's not like that.
I gotta rediscover things.

...
I wonder if it's bad to wish for someone to understand. 
That I could be myself without fears. Like, even if I said something crude... that they didn't hate me. :(
I am used to being alone, but I don't want this. :(

How can I expect to change, if I can't learn how to be properly. :(
How long would it take for me to stop feeling so mad? The anger... I don't like being angry... I don't wanna be mean. 

I am kinda scared about being alone, but I can remain alone. 
It's not like anyone cares. :(
Judging me all the time... being mean. I am so bad at speaking up... when I do... I sound crude... :(
I am so tired of that... being alone... I don't like it. :(
My mind is completely weird today. :(

It's an emotion, but I don't recognize it... is it anger or sadness? what is it? I don't know feelings well. My head hurts. There is at least tears, but I don't know what to call it.
...

I just rant... I know... I feel... like no one cares either way... :(
I don't like being alone... 
sigh...

Published in Diary
Thursday, 10 September 2015 14:02

Misanthropy problem sigh

Sigh...

I just got out of a real dark zone. I haven't been like.... anything. Zombie maybe... I tried my best to get out of it, playing games, doing stuff. But I haven't been able to hang with anyone in real life good. 

I haven't felt like hanging with the friends... 
Recently I feel like I do not have any friends. 

I am Misanthropic in nature.
I was thinking about talking about that some. 
It's not that I hate people, though I used to be more recentfull and hateful about people before. I still don't feel good hanging to much with people, but I also like people. I wanna really believe in people like, that's not wrong is it? 
Sigh... 

The issues started I guess for real in at the start of my 20s, because that's when I ended up living home. 
I got issues, I get angry for no reason. I guess after having a back stabbing friend two years ago I lost it. I was an unstable freak regarding people quite a while, especially after having been "home" with my parents to work and having them try to stop me from going home. My father didn't wanna pay my money I earned... also tried to stop me from going home. :(
I got anxiety real hard, and after I got home I went in that huge depression. 
It was so hard, my mind went blank. 
Memories slipped my head, and it was partly like my brain had enough and shut down the memory section that lead to most of my life. 

I stabalized around christmas last year. 

...
Sigh...

I have been so unstable though, but lately more stuff is getting back to me. Like the brain has decided it's time to... well recall more. Slowly introducing me back to my memories. My brain isn't stuck in full panick anymore.

Sigh...

Do I even have friends? 
I wonder if my nature make them hate me.... :(
I don't like this... 

I got depressed these last week in a way that made me fall into a darkness. Earlier I've been in limbo basically as a zombie. 
I've tried to socialice, but... sigh... 

I am no good... 
I will never be good enough as a human for others to accept me... that's what it feels like. 
I managed to do it fine even with my Misanthropy before.. I just don't have the energy right now. 

This I can't stand. 
That self loathing, feeling like I don't deserve life... depresion in general that sometimes come with this anxiety. 
I guess what trieggered the depression was how my sister simply tried to use me, my place as a storage unit. :(

I don't know what will happen... 

I just wish... sigh... 

Wish I wasn't a downer... that I could find a real friend. Or a boyfriend. 
I am bad at this being human thing. 


Sigh... 
I wish I could feel like I deserve living just like others... 
There is nothing I want more, than go back to that state I was in as a kid. 
Maybe that is why I recall most of the stuff from before 7? Mostly the happy stuff, things like how fun it was running around and playing on that farm. My family should just have let me grow up there. It's such a pain.

I am still kinda dark in my heart, my soul is surrounded by darkness still, but I have gotten up so many times.
Right now I am in the state of building my own worth back up. 
I hope I can manage to find friends soon. 

Perhaps someone no one of my family know.
My mistake was getting friendly with my sisters friends. 
Of course they wouldn't like me... they probably talk shit about me. 

sigh... 

Published in Diary

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