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Friday, 07 August 2015 03:33

overwhelmed

Well, I am new to this website and I am not too sure how it works but I am hoping it will help. I have been through a lot as a young adult and at this point in my life it has created overwhelming anxiety and setbacks.

When I was 10 I was diagnosed with cancer and although my treatment was fast I suffered severe PTSD that went untreated for many years. This is still an issue with me and one of the reasons my anxiety has gotten so bad. I am so afraid of dying that literally anything can set me off, even the word 'death.' 

I also suffered an assault when I was 15 and this has created a lot of fear in my life...

I am hoping to meet some people here that will understand what I am going through and can help me on my path to recovery. 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 05 August 2015 03:49

August 4, 2015

This is my first ever diary post on here. I just joined about 10 minutes ago. My first post read something along the lines of how relieved I am just to have found this website. I am going to make a list of everything that brought me anxiety today:

~I woke up thinking about tomorrow's softball game (I am the assistant coach as well as first base coach). I have never played softball and it really makes me nervous that I'm going to mess up something for the girls tomorrow. I have been told "make a turn, make a turn," "run through, run through," and "back, back, back" are the three big ones. Since I never played, I often have trouble telling the girls what to do. I am so worried I am going to embarass myself tomorrow.

~Are my shorts for tomorrow's game too short? Do I need to find some "coach's shorts?" Is that even a thing? I want to be professional, but I just don't know what that means as an athletic coach. My shorts reach the ends of my fingertips, but I can see where it may be seen as a problem by some people. Nothing has been said to me, but I sure don't want things said about me.

~Does my cat love me? Does my cat know what love is? I rescued him a little less than a year ago and I worry that he's not as happy as he could be. I work moderately long hours and they're about to get longer during softball season.

~"What is the little boy's name that I'm supposed to tutor? Is tutoring supposed to start today or next Tuesday? I had better call his grandmother." I was sweating the entire time I was on the phone. Not only because I felt so bad that I forgot the boy's name, but I also want to make sure I look like I know what I'm doing. These people are also my landlords.

~Oh yeah, my landlords. My rent went up $100 this month. My rent now takes up more than a third of my income. Then there's my credit card debt (not much, but I'm trying to steadily get rid of it). Am I saving enough? I need to update my budget tracker on my online banking.

~I really don't want to use my gas to get my boyfriend and me up to a dinner we are attending for some family members, but when he offered to drive I was being hard-headed and insisted I would be driving. Then there's coaches' family pictures on Sunday. And a dinner.

~Did I mention my boyfriend and I are both educators? He coaches football (6-day a week job), and I coach softball. We don't live together, but we do try to make as much time for each other as possible.

~He is extremely introverted at times. I am very extroverted. I love being around people. I think a lot of that comes from my need to use so much energy all the time. This occasionally causes problems between us with boredom, disinterest in different activities, and intimacy (only occasionaly for that one. Only because I thrive on the closeness). I hurt him very badly this past weekend. I was having an awful fit about something so stupid and I blamed him for it. I screamed. I screamed at the best man who has ever walked into my life. He's also the most physically and mentally strong man I've ever met. I've seen him tear up a few times, but he cried. I made my wonderful boyfriend cry.

~Every time I think about it I cry. I cried twice yesterday and three times today just thinking about it. Thinking about the way he looked at me. The look of defeat. He knew he had been defeated. Not only by me, but by our relationship. We spent hours talking through it, going back and forth between staying together and breaking up. There were more tears and a lot of begging (on my part).

~If I ever do that again to him, I lose him forever. Not only because he will be done, but I will have to walk away. I will have to make the conscious decision to stop only thinking about me and to think about the fact that I can't keep him trapped in this relationship.

~Part of me feels like he was guilted into staying with me. I can't stand that feeling. I straight up asked him and he told me that wasn't the case. We want to be together forever. I think he wants that too. I think he wants to believe that. I don't know what to believe because everyting runs through my head simultaneously and I can't think clearly. The only thing I keep seeing is him crying, and I start crying all over again (this marks #4 for today).

~Part of the agreement between the two of us is that I will seek out help. I will stop using him as my catch all. I need others to vent to. Tonight I found anxietysocialnet. I already feel a little better about my day after typing all of this out, even though I can barely see through my tears. I have to wake up pretty early tomorrow morning, so I need to get some sleep now. If I'm not well rested I'll have to rely on coffee. If I rely on coffee, I could dehydrate at the game tomorrow (the snowball effect of anxiety?)

 

Goodnight all. And thank you for reading if you stopped by.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 July 2015 04:36

First Day

First day here... Came because I have been experiencing bouts of sadness and extreme worry more and more.... I hate these feelings and I am trying to be happy but sometimes I feel like I cannot.... 

I feel shut off... I feel myself drifting from friends I have had for years... They have their own stress and why should I have them deal with mine? Though I do feel like some of the aftereffects of their stress is taken out on me...which makes me feel worse... I try to help and just get pushed away... I feel my support network...crumbling more... It is confusing

My husband is here but he can only do so much... I will try and work this out... I have to... For the sake and harmony of myself and others, damn it, I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!! Damn... Now I'm crying again....

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 July 2015 04:36

First Day

First day here... Came because I have been experiencing bouts of sadness and extreme worry more and more.... I hate these feelings and I am trying to be happy but sometimes I feel like I cannot.... 

I feel shut off... I feel myself drifting from friends I have had for years... They have their own stress and why should I have them deal with mine? Though I do feel like some of the aftereffects of their stress is taken out on me...which makes me feel worse... I try to help and just get pushed away... I feel my support network...crumbling more... It is confusing

My husband is here but he can only do so much... I will try and work this out... I have to... For the sake and harmony of myself and others, damn it, I NEED TO GET BETTER!!!!! Damn... Now I'm crying again....

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 17 March 2015 19:19

Journal Entry #1

Hi everyone. I'm brand new to the site so not sure what to do with it quite yet but I just wanted to introduce myself.

My name is Olivia, 19, USA. Currently I'm taking a semester off of college to try an work on my anxiety that I have lived with for as long as I can remember. It's been rough being home and I just need people to talk to. All my friends are off at school and I just feel completely lost and helpless/hopeless. My mom has been great througout this process and has really just been my rock. But the more time I spend at home the more I feel myself regressing back to my terrible hermit-esque habits...I want to be back at school. I want to be happy. I want to be anxiety free. I now this will be a lifelong battle but I just want it to get a little better everyday. I'm on my second maybe third month of Prozac and I personally feel like it has been super helpful. And along with the prozac I have been seeing a thrapist once a week. She's incredible and I know that I'm in good hands. 

It's all jst really confusing right now. I'm trying to figure out where to start to tell my story.

Anyway. I wasn't planning on writing all of this. I will hopefully fill you in on more tomorrow. It's late and I need sleep. Tomorrow is sure to be an anxious one. My mother is making me apply for a job while I'm home and to say I'm worried about it is an understatement.

Love to all. 

Looking forward to meeting some new friends and figuring it out together. 

Oh The Places You Will Go  - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20mMbEB0OhA

Goodnight.

Published in Diary
Monday, 23 February 2015 02:31

My Story entry.1

My story is a long one, a story which has defined who I am but also still holding me down. My anxiety is caused by many things, mostly constant abuse, past torture, abandonment, and the fact my mind can not leave the "fight or flight" response. If you are reading this I really hope someone out there can understand any of this, for the most recent event has me seeking help or trying to find hope again... I am going to write daily events... so I can reflect on what I am writing and try and make sense out of all of it. Also reflect on what I can do to make sure it never happens again.

 

I was born September 12, 1990, I was raised by a drunken father who had the wisdom of a great man, but chose to teach me his wisdom with an iron gauntlet. My mother was diagnosed with psychophrenia from the results of my fathers abuse, when she is "normal" she is the happiest person you will ever meet... But when she is going through what I call a "phase" she tried to kill me multiple times. Both have taught me to be respectful, kind, assertive, mannerful, and so many good things, I will give them at least that much credit.

 

As we go on... it wasn't just them who made me have so many bad memories... I wish it was just them, it seems that everyone these days have terrible parental experiences... but what about friends, strangers, relationships? I have been dealt the same treatment from everyone who has come across me. I really wish I could say I am an asshole, I am not a good person, I am jealous, I am hateful, I am spiteful... but I am not any of these things. Matter of fact I am actually calm, collected, easy going, free spirited, and I feel from all I have been through I fully understand what causes people to be so spiteful. The only bad thing about me... I feel I can never be happy.

 

I am not much of a writer but I am now going to take a trip back in time... back to my hell. There are no dates... these events happened so frequently that it felt like a daily thing.

The chessboard (high school days): I love chess, I love strategy, but at one point in life I was doing terrible in school. I was hanging out with the "outcasts" (what we called ourselves), we all had destructive parents and that fueled our destructive nature. This nature had me skipping classes, not doing homework to go out with my friends, and fighting. Well all of those destructive actions got back to my father who I was living with at the time... He was furious. He didn't beat me for once, but instead told me I was grounded for an entire year. Yes, an entire year.

 

When I was grounded it wasn't just "no outside privileges" or "no video games / T.V". I was grounded from everything except books and a chess board. My brother ran away during this time so there was no one to play chess with, I already read all of my books, so I began playing chess by myself. I built strategies, and game play ideas, was bored but that was all I could do. My father came home one time drunk from the bar and asked me a simple question after he noticed me playing chess by myself. He asked me "who's winning Isiah". Of course I answered "I am". He had a follow up question, "who's losing Isiah"? I was somewhat confused by his question but answered again "I am". He sat on the opposite of the table and asked again, "who's winning Isiah", and again I answered "I am". He was frustrated at this point and threatened "You better give me a fucking straight answer Isiah, who the fuck is winning"? "I am". He rubbed his head, got off his seat, and stood over me. He looked me in the eyes and he stated "You better give me a straight fucking answer, you can't be winning and losing, Who the fuck is losing"!? I screamed I am and then came the fists... pummeled me... then he just walked away without a word...

 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 28 January 2015 03:22

In the Middle of Anxiety...

 Anxiety is many things. Those of us that struggle with it would never name any of those things in a positive manner. Instead we would say things like, anxiety is...

 

Tormenting

Suffering

Burdening

Painful

Exhausting

Scary

Confusing

Lonely

Life altering (negatively)

 

...amongst many other negative things. But, what if I told you that anxiety can also be...

 

Inspiring

Enlightening

Empathetic

Growth providing

Strength Building

Clarifying

Life altering (positively)

 

Would you believe me? Somebody in the middle of an anxiety episode would probably say no. But here's the kicker...its in the middle of our anxiety, smack dab in the core of its intensity, that we can experience those exact things. That's right. Instead of feeling and experiencing all of those negative things, we can experience the positive ones. Or at the very least, we can have both. Now before you write me off as crazy, or someone who just doesn't understand, hear me out. This advice is not coming from someone on the outside who has no clue what it is like to suffer the anguish of anxiety. To the contrary, I have been at the brunt of anxiety and its many forms (panic, generalized, social, health related, phobias, OCD) for as long as I can remember. To make matters worse, I did not understand what it even was until I was in my 20's. Up until then I walked around internalizing everything and wondering if I truly was crazy. And, 6 years later, I am still fighting the good fight. I actually had one of the worst years ever with my anxiety this past year. But, on the flip side, it was because of this past year that I experienced more growth and clarity than I have in my whole life. Facing the worst of my anxiety head on forced me to become stronger. It pushed me to understand myself better and what I have to offer.

 

Now when I think to myself “what I wouldn't give to never experience another episode,” I stop and remind myself of all of the good things I would have to give up along with it. In the end I wouldn't be myself anymore. I eventually had to ask myself, is that what I really want? To not be me anymore? I mean, sure I am anxious, but I am anxious because I love deeply, because I care deeply. Some might say I care too much which is why I worry about everything, but whats so wrong with caring on that kind of a level? Would I rather not care at all? Who says that is better? Sometimes I think others could be more empathetic and caring. Sometimes I see what not caring enough can do and I am grateful to be as sensitive as I am. I believe that people with anxiety are more than just worriers. They are what I like to call highly sensitive people. I don't mean this in the sense that you say one wrong thing and we break down and cry. I mean that we are highly sensitive to all aspects of this world.

 

I truly believe that people with anxiety see the world from an enhanced perspective. In turn, this allows them the ability to see the beauty in things, deeply feel the love that life has to offer, and to find the growth in every experience. This makes for excellent teachers, writers, advice givers, artists, creators and even leaders. Unfortunately, as a result of this intensity and sensitivity, we tend to dwell and flounder in the negative aspects of this world and life. This is due to our “knowing” of all that can be lost or taken from us. Anxiety truly is a double-edged sword. However, I also look at anxiety as almost like a sixth sense that we just don't know what to do with. But, once this is realized and respected, anxiety can be used to our advantage. Once those of us with anxiety understand it as being a direct result of our very nature and a key component in who we are as a being in this life, we can stop fearing it and start embracing and accepting it for all that it is, both positive and negative. Now, this is easier said than done, but it can be done. It takes work and it takes daily reminders and practice when you are in the thick of it, but you will slowly start to realize why your anxiety is manifesting and how to take that intense energy and put it towards something positive. Does this mean that I have it all figured out and will never experience anxiety again? Certainly not! It actually means that I am learning to accept it as an inevitable part of my existence, but at the same time I strive to find the positive in it as often as I can. In others words, I strive to let it lift me up instead of beat me down.

  

 For example, for me this requires writing. I realized that all of the thoughts inside my head need an outlet. It is important to me to find a way to inspire and help others with my words. It is a yearning in my soul. This inspires me to find the growth in every experience life throws at me so I can share my learning with others. It keeps me from feeling sorry for myself and gives me a reason to push forward. I also love to draw because it allows me to not think about anything for a change. I also know that being alone is nice sometimes, but too much of that is never a good thing for me. And I know I sometimes have to force myself to join in on certain activities or groups because in the end I know it will benefit me. I know I need to vent sometimes and have found a great therapist who understands me. I also have a great husband who has had to take on the brunt of a lot of my anxiety, and I am starting to learn that it is not fair and not best for me to expect him to know how to help me all the time. This is why I have my therapist, this community, groups, family, and close friends as well. I am also following my curiosity and yearning for understanding my spirituality and what I truly believe is beyond this life. This is a long road too, but I know it is crucial to my existence. Bottom line, I am learning to understand myself and am starting to explore my potential through all of it, the good and the bad. You just have to find what works for you. This journey will be different for everybody, but the goal should generally be the same. To learn to understand yourself, your potential, and to love all that you are and have to offer, because we are all perfectly imperfect and are designed to be just so.  

Published in Anxiety General Blog
Sunday, 11 January 2015 03:00

To be or not to be anxious

After Googling "sweaty hands", I got directed to this site. I've been having issues with excessive sweat on my hands, back,... feet, well everywhere on my body. Even went to a dermatologist for a solution. She gave me something to rub on my hands etc and it worked, so I never really had any second thoughts about it, it does sting a little bit the day after but it's okay. I've Google'd it before, but never really got into it. Now I think I might have a type of mild anxiety, after reading some symptoms and knowing I have some of them too. Allthough I'm not really sure I have anxiety, I thought i'd write down some of my thoughts. 

Up untill now some of my symptoms or problems are: sweatiness when nervous (it can get really bad to the point it's like my hands are sweating non-stop, it makes me introverted while i'm normally not at all, I like social contact but I haven't had a girlfriend for 8 years because of it) I remember when I was 16, sitting on the train with some friends and one of my female friends grabbed my hands and litterally asked if I had been fingering her other friend because my hands were so wet... ofcourse this cause me to get more nervous) I also get pain in my stomach from time to time, but not always. So far my physical "pains". My psychological "pains" , for me that is, are not easy to explain. I have a different mindset than most people. I think more in a "strong, silent type"- kind of way, props to The Sopranos ofcourse. In short, this means that I'm not going to talk to someone about my problems. I want to overcome my problems on my own. And if I have anxiety, so be it, I will eventually overcome this. It's not as bad as some of you whose comments I've read, I'm not afraid of going out or meeting new people, I do get stressed and I tend to overthink alot but you could say i lead a "normal" life. Everybody has problems, I try to deal with them. That is at least how I see it. I don't want to be selfish and bother others with my shallow problems. Ofcourse I wouldn't be saying this if I suffered as much as some, but for me, it is what it is, I don't have cancer and like i stated previously, my life isn't that bad. I don't want to discourage any of you reading this who suffer from anxiety from getting help, it is merely how I see it, from my point of view. So some other syptoms I have: I worry alot and this causes me alot of sleepless nights, For example when someone says something "mean" to me I end up fretting about it for hours. Well that's about all I can think of for now, I"ll share one more thing though.

Since I was little I've always had this dream, I don't even have to be asleep to experience it. It only occurs though when I'm in my bed. It's like the room I'm in is way bigger than it actually is and I'm smaller than I actually am. I can't really describe the feeling, maybe I should write it down next time, but I do know that I panick and I really have to tell myself that it isn't real. I've always wanted to know what this meant, so if anyone knows, please enlighten me.

 

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:23

How My Anxiety Started

It started in playgroup , i had seperation anxiety which i have done research on , through youtube videos & reading up on it now and it matched talking it through to therapist etc, it all sounded alot like me and what i went through , i feels so nice to be able to put a name to something that has i caused me so much upset. 

 It started on the way to playgroup and the anxiety got worst the closer i got to the gates, and when i got in to the playgroup i had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety , and bad thoughts in my head that something horrible was gonna happen to my mum, if i was parted from her. i would cry and kick the teachers, cause i didnt want to leave my mum , and this went on all through nursery and primary school , i just didnt want to go to school , my mum was getting upset & angry, becuase she didnt know then what was wrong , or why i was like this, she didnt know how to deal with it,she didnt understand like when she took me to the park why i wouldnt go and play with the other kids , or go on the climbing frames on my own , and the fact that i was the only kid in the park that was sitting on the bench with her mum, scared that if i go and play that my mum might disappear.  Has i grew up the anxiety was there but it was better then it was , but it wasnt gone completely i had my bad days & good days , i know this will sound stupid but its little things, like if i didnt have a teacher i knew and it was a supply teacher , which was a man and i wouldnt want to go to school cause i was scared, it was the unknown it wasnt the teacher that i usually have, and i remember one teacher saying to me , ”dont be scared just think of him in a dress”’ to try and make me laugh and feel better. i had nothing to be scared about , but it was very scary to me at the time and i just got worked up over changes and stuff like swimming lessons with the school , it wasnt my usual routine therefore i would be more anxious knowing that something new is happening. i never did complete my swimming lessons , my Grandad took over and taught me to swimming instead. :) 

Published in Diary

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