Moving forward over the 2 month mark and taking 50mg of Zoloft. Now sometimes I feel a little strange, kinda in a dream state but it doesn't last long and if I take a .25 Xanax than I'm good in 20 minutes. I am impressed over all about my mood and getting things done. I'm much more motivated and its been tough to run as much as I would like in the winter. This has given me hope and I look forward to see how much I can get done now that anxiety is not running my life. After getting both those tumors out I never thought I would end up with the hope I now have. It has been awhile but I'm looking forward to what the future will bring and what I have already got done! Till next month, stay positive and believe in hope and that you can get better!!
I have had a great week and it has been awhile. The past two years have really been hard, but things are starting to swing in the right direction. I met with my doctor today land he thinks 25mg of Zoloft will really be the drug to help me actually beat this anxiety thing. Today is day one so I will continue to update my diary on my progress. I hoping with this and my healthy lifestyle it will really start to make a big difference in my life.
Stay postive people!
About a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety / depression but I guess the anxiety hit me harder due to it being a constant thing in my life and never going away. Anyway, I went to see an anxiety specialist who talked through everything with me and made everything crystal clear. He told me what kind of anxiety I had and how I could deal with it then I started taking anti anxiety medication and that helped, quite a lot aswell but now I'm off the medication and I'm just about coping, I used to get close to breaking point with both my depression and my anxiety. My depression had me crying while trying to sleep, and my anxiety had me constantly worrying and not being able to basically leave the house for fear of anything and everything.
When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. My elementary school and middle school years were all tourture for me (thats what my mom said I said it was like), but i can barely remember it.
I'm surrently a junior in high school, and although my depression is getting better (probably because I have genuine friends now), my anxiety is still horrible. I've been asking my mom to get me anxiety medication, but she keeps fighting me on it. She'll say "well you've been fine the last two years of high school" "I don't want you dopped up on pills all the time" "you don't want to gain weight from the side-effect, do you?" or other things. But I need the medication, I've always know that I do. I need it so I can raise my hand in class and say something. or to go up and give a presentation. I need it to talk to my teacher one on one. I need it to walk down the halls without a friend right next to me. I need it so I can be okay with someone brushing my back every once in a while in the halls. Or so that I can carry a purse instead of a backpack 24/7. I need it so I can ask for help. I need it for everything.
The only time she ever said I should go on medication was when it effected her life. I had an anxiety attack in the car and it was horrible but all she did was tell me I'm selfish and that I'm shitty person. The next day she said I should go on anxiety medication. Not because I need it to do simple tasks, but because she doesn't want me to "make a scene" again.
The only personin my family who seems to understand just little bit of what I go through is my dad. He's incredibly shy, unless he's around his sister (who's like his best friend), or unless he's one on one with me, or after he's had a beer or two. My mom is very uptight, conservative, and almost too assertive. My younger brother is loud and obnoxious to the point where he makes people look at him (which freaks me out because then I feel like everyone is staring at us). My Dad's side of the family is really relaxed and fun. We're loud, but mostly because we're laughing. I feel so comfortable around them that I actually talk and make jokes and smile. My mom's side of the family is extremely judgemental, crtical, old-fashioned, and nothing like me. (unfortunately) They all live in our area, and my mom is super close with all of them (my 2 aunts and my grandma), so we go out to dinner or things all the time. Since I was a kid, I've known that I can never truely be myself around them, and recently I realized it would just be better to become mute around them. I'd rather be judge for being mute and "anti-social" than for anything that I say.
My friends are very understanding. My friends are more on the quiet side, but when we're all together we're loud and laughing. My two best friends and I are so close that we share everything, and have "deep" conversations at 3 in the morning. My boyfriend is another one of my best friends. I've let all three of them tear down my walls, and they all have complete access to me. I'm not afraid of what they'll think, or of being judged around them. Which is a big deal because I always used to feel that way around people. And we're able to tell each other if something about them is bothering us. Which is huge for me, because in past friendships, I would keep quiet about anything that bothered me. I think I did it to avoid conflict, because I thought that conflict would mean that I would lose a friend.
I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess its a good first diary entry?
My meds are starting to lose their effectiveness. which is really worrying me. I'm not sure what the future holds. I want to know if this trend continues then what am I going to do? if I just up my dose then wont I need to up it again then again untill I'm at the max and then what? I either go off completely and try to take controle or I try another Medication that will probably come with someside effects or that wont work either. I guess I've had it good for 4 years, maybe it's time to take the bandaid off and see if what I have learnt will do the job (Scary thought!).
I just keep thinking of my kids and how this will effect them, I want to be the best mother that I can be, and when dealing with anxiety (from past behaviour) it seems unlikely with out meds. up untill a month ago I've been taking 10mg off Ciprilex and that has worked fairly well, I could get on with life and deal with stress in a more healthy way. but early may I had to up it after have anxiety and panic attacks, to 15mg and then I felt fine going for walks with my kiddies taking them to the park and having the energy to take care of my house. So now again I've been feeling my anxiety starting to creep up on me. So I'm feeling frustrated and upset and worried. I'm also pissed off at my anxiety I just want to kick it's ass! errrr
My hope is that I will be able to go off meds and be able to have a life worth living. A life worth living would be to me: being able to go see a movie, or going on a trip, or going to the summer fair, or going for a walk to the park all with out having a panic attack. Also to have the energy to take good care of my kids and clean my house.
Needless to say my hubby's Fathers day wasn't the greatest, I deffinately wish I could have done something special.
I remember being a little kid, and learning what happiness was. Sure, most people know what happiness feels like, and I'm no exception. But I'm talking about that blissful happiness you see in the movies, too. The kind where tears of joy stream down the face of the happy person, because they're just so overwhelmingly pleased about something. I recall trying to make myself feel as happy as the people in those movies, and as happy as I assumed others were, but I could never be that joyous.
I would sit up, at 3am and onwards, staring into the TV, wondering why I couldn't be as happy as other people were. Wondering why things had to be so difficult, every day, while other people got to be happy. Pondering whether the only tears I'd ever cry would be sad ones.
Anxiety was my respite from sadness. Not anxiety like somebody gets before a date, or during an exam, but a fear so intense that it literally made me collapse. My oasis in a desert of depression was a crippling surge of terror that would come at unpredictable and frequent times.
But then I found a way to get some of that happiness for myself. No, it wasn't religion, nor was it from a bunch of platitudes like "True happiness is inside us all." No, it was a real solution. A solution that worked, and was known to work because of the science behind it. Some of it came from maturity, but a lot of my newfound ability to feel joy came from drugs. Antidepressants, and other medicine, to be precise.
Yes, beautiful, magnificent, trialled, tested, and approved by science drugs. Some may say "But drugs aren't the answer. They're unnatural, and true happiness comes from learning to listen to what your body and mind need." But those people are deluded. Now I can be joyful, from time to time. I can have days where I'm not afraid to leave my room, and days where I can go to school, and I can do many things I could never have done before.
I'm not cured. I may never be cured. I may never be able to do everything that regular people can do, but that's ok. Because compared to how I was, and how horrible life seemed, now I feel free.
Controversy around Medical Marijuana
Medical Marijuana refers to the use of the plant cannabis and its extracts or constituents as herbal therapy as legislated in USA. There is controversy about the medical value of marijuana or cannabis and lot of opposition to their use. But there are many documented effects that are found beneficial in treatment of nausea and improvement of hunger in case of AIDS patients and patients undergoing chemotherapy and in treatment of glaucoma. More commonly it is believed to have analgesic properties but even this is disputed.
The controversy of medical marijuana is due to the fact that it is used in various forms like smoking or drinking the extracts for addictive recreational use and is legislated as illegal. Many countries have banned the use of cannabis in any form but the use in medical applications is permitted with various degrees of control and permission requirements. The medical use of cannabis is disputed all over the world.
Benefits of Medical Marijuana
Various studies have established the benefits of medical marijuana in treatment of many conditions like nausea, premenstrual syndrome, insomnia, weight loss and loss of appetite. It is also found effective in treatment of painful conditions and spasticity, asthma and movement disorder. It has also proven to be useful in migraines, inflammatory bowels disease etc
Medical Marijuana in treatment of anxiety disorder
Medical marijuana has been used in treatment in psychiatric conditions like anxiety, depression and mood disorders. These disorders affect the way an individual thinks and feels and acts and these acts are always negatively affected. The depression and anxiety disorders cause a deep feeling of sadness and result in loss of interest in even pleasurable activities. If this condition can not be improved up on by change of life style, exercise and diet or by counseling it is necessary to provide relief with medication from the debilitating symptoms.
Benefits of Medical Marijuana
The proper use of medical marijuana many patients are able to avoid the use of opiates and tranquillizers or sleeping pills and other antidepressant medicines. It is argued that unlike other diseases, long suffering due to depression and anxiety disorders makes the patient will wear down the patient like no other disease and will deteriorate the condition as he looses interest in all activities that make recovery possible. In such cases, the mood elevation made possible by marijuana has a positive effect as the patient begins to take interest in activities that help to slowly recover; the mood improvement acts as a catalyst in the path to recovery. Marijuana Medical Handbook mentions that the power of marijuana to eliminate depression is the main medical benefit of the banned substance.
Arguments against Medical Marijuana
The main argument against marijuana is that it does not produce Serotonin, but affects anandamide which is present in brain and produces soothing feeling by reacting with THC which is present in marijuana. This can actually increase the depression and cause schizophrenia like in regular illegal use after a prolonged use. It is always safe to administer antidepressant under medical care than use the illegal substance. Also, the constituents of marijuana interfere with the process of balancing the chemicals which antidepressants work to achieve and in fact it may aggravate the condition instead of curing it.
I started having problematic anxiety when I was 14 years old (I am now nearly 26). The combination of puberty hormones and all the life-changes high school entailed proved a toxic combination, triggering the change from High-StrungAshley to MentallyDisorderedAshley.
Intense anxiety kept me from attending my classes, depression kept me on the couch, unshowered, pajama’d, crying sporadically, and obsessed with bad television that would distract me, briefly, from my so-called life. This was my grade 9. Through talk-therapy, a very supportive and understanding family, hormone leveling (read: birth control pills) and “as needed‘ sedatives: I was able to get back into my life and keep things (mostly) under control.
I had issues here and there in the years that followed, but for the most part - things were under control. It wasn’t until I was finishing second year at university that my dark cloud truly reared it’s ugly head again. One fateful day, started out as a fun day with all my friends, celebrating the end of second year; ended as the (still) reigning champ for worst day of my life. There are tons and tons of photos of that, the last day of second year. To this day, it makes me chuckle to see the smile on my face: I had no idea how my life was about to change.
Two carloads of my closest friends were a half hour from home for a day of mini golf, laughs, and dinner. After dinner, one of the car’s wouldn’t start, so we hung around waiting for the tow truck to arrive. After about 20 minutes or so, I felt my digestive system gurgling, and headed for the bathroom. In a nutshell (sparing you too many TMI details), there was something wrong with the food. It hit me, and one of my friends, at the exact same time, while still at the restaurant, it hit 4 of my other friends very shortly after we got home. It hit me the hardest, also, as I have irritable bowels to begin with. I spent over 2 hours unable to leave the bathroom of the restaurant, with 10 of my friends and my new-at-the-time (now ex) boyfriend all waiting around for me so we could go home. Stressful, awkward situation for anyone: full-on traumatic event for me.
Cue my PTSD specific phobia. I rapidly became terrified of the idea of getting physically ill and not being able to get to a bathroom. While the phobia included vomit-ill and diarrhea-ill - diarrhea was the big one. I had to quit my job because I couldn’t just leave the cash register unattended to go to the bathroom whenever I wanted, which made me too scared to even be there. When I went back to school, I couldn’t leave my house to walk to my classes, less than a kilometre away, because WHAT IF I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND THERE WAS NOWHERE TO GO!? I started failing, due to never going to class. I stopped socializing with my friends, unless they were at my house or they had an apartment/house with more than one bathroom. I became mentally addicted to anti diarrhea medication, and wouldn’t leave the house at all without taking at least 2.
My doctor at home prescribed me Effexor XR, which I took gladly, despite previous aversions to resorting to medication: I had lost control, completely, and I knew it. I needed help. The starter dose of the Effexor gave me the typical brain-med startup weird feelings, but nothing too terrible. When we upped to the full dose: my body rejected it. Hard. I puked like I had never puked before. Perfect thing to happen to someone with my phobia, right? Fortunately (fortunately!?), I was so dehydrated, so quickly, I was too weak and groggy to properly freak out. I spent a full day in bed, attempting to put a sip of fluid into me, to no avail, slipping in and out of consciousness. Talked to my doctor, who told me to stop taking the medication IMMEDIATELY, and gave me a lecture on how I should have gone to the hospital already, blah blah. Hospitals scare the crap out of me - I bet you can all relate! I managed to talk my boyfriend into letting me not go to the hospital by promising that if the puking didn’t stop within a few hours, I would go. I got lucky, and was able to hold in a couple soda bisquits and a quarter cup of water, and didn’t have to go.
The university doctor, after I recovered from the Effexor incident, diagnosed me “bipolar 2”, and prescribed me Paxil. I won’t get into details about my experience with Paxil on here - that’s a whale of a tale for another day - but I was on it for close to a year. It took off the edge, but I still needed my sedation and anti-diarrhea medication to get myself out the door. It also seemed to numb me to all emotions but anger. When I decided to get off of Paxil - it was a mess. Again, another tale for another time. I’ve now been “clean” of proper anxiety/depression medication since March 2007.
After I refused any further medication, my school doctor said there was nothing she could do for me. I was at rock bottom, but in a strange way. Hopeless, but ANGRY. I was ready to fight, I just didn’t know how. I went back to my doctor back home, and she referred me to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy program an hour from home. It was a 12 week, group program. And it single-handedly saved my life.
Today, I have had a new perspective, and been in near-full control of my disorders for nearly 5 years. I don’t remember the last time I took an anti-diarrhea pill (though I do still carry them with me 100% of the time…I doubt that will ever change). I still feel anxiety, I still feel depression sometimes, and I still have my seriously low, setback days - but it never, ever controls me anymore. Generally speaking, when I feel panicked about going somewhere, or doing something, I now come at it with a competitive perspective. You could say I’ve become addicted to the high of going to war with my disorder, head on, and WINNING. I consider my disorders to be in remission. I don’t believe you can ever truly “cure” most anxiety disorders (unless entirely circumstantial, rather than biological in any way) - but I am walking, talking, laughing, LIVING proof, that they can be overcome.
I plan on blogging about the things I’ve been through, and the things that have worked for and helped me along the way. I know we all get told all sorts of things to do and try and whatnot, but so often these come from textbooks, or therapists who KNOW about it, but have never FELT it. I know about it, and have felt it, and I plan to share with you the things I have first-hand knowledge of. That doesn’t mean they will work for you, but they will come from someone who truly understands.
Feel free to contact me at any time, for any reason (except to hit on me, please) - I am an open book about all the gory TMI details of my journey; you just need to ask.