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Displaying items by tag: anxiety

Saturday, 20 December 2014 20:27

Holiday season

I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this? 

About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone. 

Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home. 

bye guys xx

Published in Diary
Thursday, 18 December 2014 17:19

Persistent Thoughts

I think sometimes the hardest part of having Panic Disorder is the persistent thoughts...thinking about my anxiety, thinking about a panic attack, thinking about what I'd tell a doctor about my feelings and thoughts, thinking about making an appointment with a doctor to talk about it, thinking about thinking about it, thinking about what's causing it, thinking about having a serious panic attack in public, thinking about fainting in public, thinking about living with the anxiety and on and on.  My mind nearly always is running through mock scenarios in my mind of different situations and what I'd say or do.  It's like I'm obsessed with the one thing I want to forget.  I try to focus so much on not letting the panic in; not letting it win or control me.  I surpress it, and try to control it through sheer will power (which is not always easy).  I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman, and I will not let it run my life, nor will I let it control my actions.  I have stayed at work even through sometimes very severe panic attacks and worked through the day, all the while going through waves of heart pounding, hyperventilating, chest spasming feelings.  I can do this, but it seems I need to focus on focusing my thoughts elsewhere as well.

_Megan_

Published in Diary
Thursday, 18 December 2014 17:19

Persistent Thoughts

I think sometimes the hardest part of having Panic Disorder is the persistent thoughts...thinking about my anxiety, thinking about a panic attack, thinking about what I'd tell a doctor about my feelings and thoughts, thinking about making an appointment with a doctor to talk about it, thinking about thinking about it, thinking about what's causing it, thinking about having a serious panic attack in public, thinking about fainting in public, thinking about living with the anxiety and on and on.  My mind nearly always is running through mock scenarios in my mind of different situations and what I'd say or do.  It's like I'm obsessed with the one thing I want to forget.  I try to focus so much on not letting the panic in; not letting it win or control me.  I surpress it, and try to control it through sheer will power (which is not always easy).  I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman, and I will not let it run my life, nor will I let it control my actions.  I have stayed at work even through sometimes very severe panic attacks and worked through the day, all the while going through waves of heart pounding, hyperventilating, chest spasming feelings.  I can do this, but it seems I need to focus on focusing my thoughts elsewhere as well.

_Megan_

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 10 December 2014 19:19

Moving along and enjoying it!

So I have one week down and actually feeling pretty good about this whole thing.  I haven't believed in any of the recovery methods or medications but this seems to be helping quit a bit.  I have noticed some different sleeping patterns and some usually feelings, but compared to a full blown anxiety attack that is nothing.  I will continue with this as well as working out and eating right to see how this effects me. 

Published in Diary
Friday, 05 December 2014 01:17

The Lighter Side of My Anxiety

Anxiety Disorder, intrusive thoughts, irrational fears. Incredibly annoying things to experience. Despite the immense inconvenience and worry that it is giving me, my experience with anxiety made me realize something profound.

Before anxiety, I have struggled with depression. As a young teeneager I became so desolate at some points that I had attempted to end my life several times. I hated everything about me, I was in denial about my sexuality, I was afraid to befriend girls cause god help me if I'll have a crush on them. 

Fortuntely, I managed to reflect on my thoughts and actions, I knew it wasn't right. I wanted to be happy, or at least less miserable. So I started to think, what can I do to stop being miserable? 

And from then on I managed to reduce my depressive episodes, I forgave people who bullied me, and learned to let go of bad feelings, I still had depressive episodes but I was less suicidal.

Everything was alright, or at least better than ever for some years. I got my degree and made good friends in college. I even like myself now.

Unfortunately, due to a cup of coffee with an extra kick, I had a panic attack and had anticipatory anxiety which was accompanied by worry and obsessive thinking blah blah blah. And I became afraid like I've never been before in my life.

So the profound thing that I realize. I just want to be well, compared to my experience with depression, my anxiety isn't rooted from self-hate or destruction, I just want to be well. That's it. 

I am still working on it, I am hopeful, it's just difficult sometimes but life goes on.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 04 December 2014 22:41

Giving it a try

I have had a great week and it has been awhile.  The past two years have really been hard, but things are starting to swing in the right direction.  I met with my doctor today land he thinks 25mg of Zoloft will really be the drug to help me actually beat this anxiety thing.  Today is day one so I will continue to update my diary on my progress.  I hoping with this and my healthy lifestyle it will really start to make a big difference in my life.  

 

Stay postive people! 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 29 November 2014 05:43

Important Thing to Know about Anxiety

I have been scrolling through my tumblr when I saw this post on a favorite blog:

-How do I banish the anxiety loops in my head, that I know are ridiculous, but my stubborn mind won't quit scared my fragile heart with?-

I found lazyyogi.tumblr.com answer to be poignant:

-You cannot banish that which is not real. 

Anxiety is always about something unreal. It can be a thought about an unreal future or an unreal experience of the past. 

This is why the anxiety feels so unassailable. You cannot fight something that has already happened or that may happen. So your mind goes on torturing you and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Or so it seems. 

Anxiety is about something other than now. Sitting here at your computer, perhaps alone on a quiet evening, there is no real trouble. Nothing in this moment is lacking, and yet our desire and fear brings in so much turmoil. 

Why does the anxiety need to loop? Because it depends on your thoughts for its survival. So long as anxiety has you thinking and perceiving in line with its vibration, it endures. 

Our language becomes an obstacle when it comes to dealing with such things. We talk of “getting rid of” certain thoughts or emotions but can the ocean get rid of a wave? The waves come and the waves go. It is only a problem when you take the ocean as merely its surface. Then when the seas are tumultuous, you say it is a stormy day. And when the seas are calm, you say it is a placid day. 

But in reality, you are the unbounded deep. You are an ever still and profoundly unfathomable dimension beyond the mere surface waves. To awaken to this truth does not mean introducing a new thought or belief. It means re-examining your current experience. 

The first and most direct way to accomplish this is by means of witnessing. Through the act of witnessing, you are not repressing anything. You are not trying to get rid of an experience. Nor are you asserting any belief or perspective. 

A feeling of anxiety can catalyze a thought. A loop of thought can perpetuate anxiety. And so it continues in a self-propagating system of coupled thoughts and feelings mutually creating each other. 

Try this:

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. First pay attention to your breathing. You don’t need to alter the flow of breath, just attend to the rhythmic or even tide-like flow. In and out, like waves on a beach. 

Now attend to the sense of anxiety you feel. Is it like a flutter in your chest? A tension at your back? A fear in your gut?

Don’t think about why you feel the anxiety or what it means. Just notice how you experience the anxiety on a bodily level. 

Then don’t do anything about it. Just breath, allow the flow, and be present with the bodily feelings. If your thoughts seem to grab your attention away to focus on their loops, come back to your breath. Then go from your breath to witnessing the feeling of anxiety again. 

It isn’t always easy. I can understand that; I’ve been having trouble with anxiety myself recently. But by dropping fixation on the mind and fully inhabiting your body, you can disrupt the cycle that perpetuates anxiety. 

When you abide with the anxious feelings while not trying to push them away nor indulge them, then you withdraw the power that sustains them. Anxiety cannot survive without you. You can survive without anxiety. 

Pushing anxiety away or fixating on the objects of your anxiety are both forms of feeding that frame of mind. Stillness and attention, on the other hand, open up an entirely different dimension of relation to your current experiences. 

In doing so, the anxiety diminishes and is released. You’ll see this for yourself through practice and application. A moment will come in which you can let it go. Then you do. 

Along with this form of mindfulness practice, I would also recommend daily meditation and the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. 

Namaste :) Much love. 

-

 

I  hope this helped you guys as much as it helped me.

Published in Diary
Monday, 24 November 2014 13:25

Great Day!

Had a great day today! I went out to have my professional license documents sorted out and decided to visit my old university for kicks with my friend Sam. Sam was decent company, the faculty was really nice. I had a lengthy conversation with an all professor about my anxiety and about meditation etc.

The best was when I we walked along the corridor and my old statistics teacher ushered me in her classroom when I waved at her. She introduced me to her class proudly as one of the few who passed the board exam. I was flushed but I appreciated it. I have to admit, it was nice.

Had some anxiety peppered here or there but I managed to ignore it. I hope this will go on.

For the rest of the day I just hung out with Sam. 

Published in Diary
Friday, 21 November 2014 10:38

Taking control: I can be cured.

I was going home this afternoon when I felt like I wanted to pee. I had an intrusive thought about vaginas. When I was going to the bathroom I thought '' Time to drain the lil puss puss'which I thought was  inappropriateSo I became a little disgusted with myself which in turn made me anxious and I couldn't take the words ''lil puss puss off my mind. Next is I had intrusive thoughts about swallowing coins. When I came into my room, I deposit the change in my pocket into an ice cream container. Seeing the amount of coins in there I had an intrusive thought about swallowing them. I attribute this thought to watching a television program in my childhood about a child who died because she accidentally swallowed a coin. I had quite a large amount of small change, I was planning to have it changed into bigger bills at a store.

I decided to do that today. I counted all the coins until I had the amount of one hundred pesos, and during the time I was counting, I had intrusive thoughts and images of swallowing them. I pulled through and got it changed without having a panic attack.

I felt glad that I did it, that I managed to count despite having fears. This lead me to a realization that despite having anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I still have control. I feel hopeful that I would be able to go back to normal or close to it.

All of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have stems and triggers that my disorder blows out of proportion. I will list down my fears and intrusive thoughts and expand on the sources.

1.) I was afraid of thinking the word ''vagina'or anything related to it because of its inappropriateness. I attribute this to receiving a picture of a vagina from a girl whom I chatted with and it freaked me out. Needless to say, I don't chat with her anymore.

2.) I was afraid of being inappropriate or having inappropriate feelings to friends or people who are girls (especially those attractive ones) , I attribute this to my high school days when I had feelings for my best friend who is a girl. It was a difficult time in my life. I managed to push away my best friend because I was still hiding or denying my sexuality.

3.) Blowjobs, I had intrusive thoughts about this which I attribute to reading ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'where the protagonist of the storywas forced to perform fellatio on her legal guardian. I already read this book before my history of anxiety. I also read this during a time when I was anxious, so there we go.

4.) Intrusive thoughts about incest. I saw the movie ''The Dreamers'about paternal twins who have an almost incestual relationship. The film was graphic and I saw it when I was anxious too.

5.) Fear of going crazy. This I attribute to having anxiety alone, it can make one feel like she is going out of control.

Now that I know these stems. I know that I am in control, and that the only time that I may lose control is when I get a panic attack because of anxiety. And this is very treatable, can even be cured, or even make me turn out to be a better person.

 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 15 November 2014 11:50

Sleep

I have trouble sleeping and the sedative that my psychiatrist prescribed helped me a lot. I am only supposed to take it for one week every 8pm, after that I should keep them around for emergencies. The other night I went to sleep without much trouble, last night was different. I was tense,  catching little sounds with my ears. I managed to sleep but woke up 3 hours later, I do not know if it was because of the anxiety or because of the stupid drag racing bikes in my neighborhood.

I tried to go back to sleep naturally, not wanting to be dependent on sedatives, but around 4 am I had to admit defeat and took 1/4 of clonazepam.  I awoke around 7 or 8 feeling particularly shitty. So I spent the day in my room watching youtube videos until I felt so sleepy that I  was dizzy. I took a nap and woke up  an hour later feeling nauseous, sweaty, this happened before and I had a panic attack. Now I am here, feeling better without having a panic attack thank goodness.

Hopefully, later I will be able to sleep soundly on my own without the aid of sedatives, and continue with my life.

Published in Diary

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