I just got out of a real dark zone. I haven't been like.... anything. Zombie maybe... I tried my best to get out of it, playing games, doing stuff. But I haven't been able to hang with anyone in real life good.
I haven't felt like hanging with the friends...
Recently I feel like I do not have any friends.
I am Misanthropic in nature.
I was thinking about talking about that some.
It's not that I hate people, though I used to be more recentfull and hateful about people before. I still don't feel good hanging to much with people, but I also like people. I wanna really believe in people like, that's not wrong is it?
The issues started I guess for real in at the start of my 20s, because that's when I ended up living home.
I got issues, I get angry for no reason. I guess after having a back stabbing friend two years ago I lost it. I was an unstable freak regarding people quite a while, especially after having been "home" with my parents to work and having them try to stop me from going home. My father didn't wanna pay my money I earned... also tried to stop me from going home. :(
I got anxiety real hard, and after I got home I went in that huge depression.
It was so hard, my mind went blank.
Memories slipped my head, and it was partly like my brain had enough and shut down the memory section that lead to most of my life.
I stabalized around christmas last year.
I have been so unstable though, but lately more stuff is getting back to me. Like the brain has decided it's time to... well recall more. Slowly introducing me back to my memories. My brain isn't stuck in full panick anymore.
Do I even have friends?
I wonder if my nature make them hate me.... :(
I don't like this...
I got depressed these last week in a way that made me fall into a darkness. Earlier I've been in limbo basically as a zombie.
I've tried to socialice, but... sigh...
I am no good...
I will never be good enough as a human for others to accept me... that's what it feels like.
I managed to do it fine even with my Misanthropy before.. I just don't have the energy right now.
This I can't stand.
That self loathing, feeling like I don't deserve life... depresion in general that sometimes come with this anxiety.
I guess what trieggered the depression was how my sister simply tried to use me, my place as a storage unit. :(
I don't know what will happen...
I just wish... sigh...
Wish I wasn't a downer... that I could find a real friend. Or a boyfriend.
I am bad at this being human thing.
I wish I could feel like I deserve living just like others...
There is nothing I want more, than go back to that state I was in as a kid.
Maybe that is why I recall most of the stuff from before 7? Mostly the happy stuff, things like how fun it was running around and playing on that farm. My family should just have let me grow up there. It's such a pain.
I am still kinda dark in my heart, my soul is surrounded by darkness still, but I have gotten up so many times.
Right now I am in the state of building my own worth back up.
I hope I can manage to find friends soon.
Perhaps someone no one of my family know.
My mistake was getting friendly with my sisters friends.
Of course they wouldn't like me... they probably talk shit about me.
Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast. Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying. Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.
So yeah about a week ago I had to "break up" with my best friend. She also has OCD and the two of us struggled to find a medium. We got along SO well, we could do anything together and it would feel perfect, videogames, art, just anything boring would be a blast. But in the past three or four months she responded less and less to my calls. She got upset with me more often. She told me she didn't like certain things I did, but that's just me. I don't know hoe to change those things.
She invited me out to eat recently, but half way through our Panera her true reason for wanting to get together appeared. "I feel this isn't working," she told me bluntly (which I know is hard for her) "but I don't know what to do."
I totally understand her. I'd talked to her about my feelings earlier and it didn't go over so well. We both promised to change, but I felt I was the only one trying. I'm very extroverted, she's extremely introverted. During my panic attacks I need people, during hers she locks herself away. She just couldn't bring herself to overcome her OCD for me. I tried to overcome mine, but I'm not sure how well I did.
We agreed to try to talk less (sucumbing to her OCD tendancies of being alone), but for a whole week anger swelled in me. At her. At me. At OCD. I wrote countless letters to her, only to be shreaded. I wrote out paragraphs in imessage, but never sent them. I fllled a whole sketch book with people in the fetal position. I don't do well with this kind of stuff. Finally I called her. I said "This just won't work. I can't give you what you need and you can't give me what I need. I don't think we should be friends anymore." She barely seemed upset. "Do some crunches. Crunches will make you feel better." Where had my friend gone? So I felt I had done the right thing.
I took down all the sketches she'd made of the two of us, all the pictures of us at the mall or laughing on the floor and the bobble head she'd given me. They just reminded me of her. I feel so pathetic. But I don't know what else to do than to put my feelings somewhere. So sorry if this was too melencholy. Maybe I need to smash some pumpkins. Haha... I'm so punny.
Junk food, comfort food, high calorie foods - they could be contributing not only to your waistline but also to your depression. Many mental health conditions occur or are made worse through the foods we eat. Yet, most people do not make this connection. Not doing so could mean the risk of missing the health improvements that foods can bring. In fact, the right diet could easily help encourage improvement of some of your symptoms.
What's the Link?
According to some reports, a poor diet can make you more susceptible to depression. In a study conducted in the UK, more than 3000 middle-aged workers were monitored for a period of five years. They looked at both depression and diet during the study. The study indicated that those who ate junk food were more likely to have depression symptoms.
Is that good or bad news?
What is junk food? In short, this particular study looked at foods that were highly processed, including meats, sweets, fried foods, foods with refined sugars such as cereals, high fat dairy and chocolate. How many of those are in your must-have list in any given day? If you are struggling with depression, there could be a link here.
That's Good News
For those who suffer from depression, the understanding of this link could be incredibly helpful. The study also found that those who had a diet that was rich in fruits and vegetables, as well as fish, had fewer reported symptoms of depression. A healthy diet can help protect against depression. For those who suffer from debilitating depression or other mood disorders, it is critical to investigate all types of links to your condition, including your diet.
A Diet that Fights Depression
What can you do about it? If you want to fight off the depression symptoms you have, do continue to follow your doctor's direction in taking medications. However, boost the effectiveness and your overall health by consuming a diet that is going to help you to fight off ailments. Here are some tips to help you fight depression with food - that is a great way to do it - from WebMD.
Does this mean you have to give up those foods you love? Comfort foods and decadent deserts need to be eaten on a limited basis. Use them as a reward once a week, not an everyday must-have menu item. You can love food and use it to your advantage if you simply know how.
For those with depression, having access to a nutrient-rich diet is not only good for you but it can help to improve your quality of life. Dive in to new foods you have not tried. Boost the nutrition your body needs and your brain may just like it, too. Depression does not have to be just about medications.
The article has been written by Aishwarya Vohra. She advocates the use natural products and organic foods for a healthy body and mind.