I just can't seem to get out of this mood I'm in. I'm depressed, anxious, feel helpless and out of control. I drink too much, I don't get along with people and if I'm not at work, I'm in bed. It's time for this to stop, but I don't know how to get out of the spiral I'm in.
I keep having dreams, getting religious stations on my radio, seeing various things all with the common factor of basically "giving this to God". I was born a Roman Catholic. I haven't practiced in almost 15 years. There's so much hypocrisy in religion it makes me ill.
So here's my deal. In December of last year, my Dad suffered a major stroke which left him unable to speak (my Mom passed in 2011). In January, my Husband kicked me out, I totalled my car and I lost my job. I now drive a '99 Taurus station wagon to my $10 per hour job (which I love, btw) and live in a basement bedroom for $400 a month. I'm in so much debt, I'm trying to save up enough money to file for bankruptcy.
In May, my son turned the "legal age of majority" (19) and graduated high school. He's chosen to live with his paternal Grandfather so he can be near his girlfriend (who truly is a lovely girl). But, I'm like, empty nesting or something. I feel like I've lost my purpose. And I feel like a failure. I am 39, twice divorced, broke and broken. I have daily anxiety attacks. I haven't slept all night in months. I get furious at stupid things, and I'm incredibly jealous of people with "happy" lives - yet I don't have the courage to do anything to make myself happy. I'm scared to drive somewhere new to try out something new. I'm looking for spirituality without religion. I have no confidence and every week I make myself the promise that THIS is the week I start trying to lose weight. And then I go buy pizza and a 12 pack of Dr Pepper, candy bars and chips.
I know the only one who can fix this is me. I've been to the Dr. I've changed up my meds. Talk therapy does not work for me. I feel like I'm hashing and re-hashing all this bad stuff for no reason, there's never any resolution to it, you just keep talking about it. I'm actually considering hypnotherapy. But there too, I would actually have to get there. I have this weird problem with going places I don't know where exactly they are at. If I schedule an appointment, I often times will drive there several times in advance and scope out the building if possible (go inside, find the path to the office and retrace my steps several times). Yes, I'm weird. But this is why spontanaiety doesn't work for me. If a friend calls and says "Hey, let's go do this!" I can't because I didn't have time to rehearse. It's overwhelming, and I am not very good with people (probably figured that out at the "twice divorced" part) . I am very noise sensitive so crowds or noisy bars or restaraunts don't work for me.
I want to get better, but I don't know, am I too broken to fix? And am I worth fixing? After all, who's going to want me?
My story is a long one, a story which has defined who I am but also still holding me down. My anxiety is caused by many things, mostly constant abuse, past torture, abandonment, and the fact my mind can not leave the "fight or flight" response. If you are reading this I really hope someone out there can understand any of this, for the most recent event has me seeking help or trying to find hope again... I am going to write daily events... so I can reflect on what I am writing and try and make sense out of all of it. Also reflect on what I can do to make sure it never happens again.
I was born September 12, 1990, I was raised by a drunken father who had the wisdom of a great man, but chose to teach me his wisdom with an iron gauntlet. My mother was diagnosed with psychophrenia from the results of my fathers abuse, when she is "normal" she is the happiest person you will ever meet... But when she is going through what I call a "phase" she tried to kill me multiple times. Both have taught me to be respectful, kind, assertive, mannerful, and so many good things, I will give them at least that much credit.
As we go on... it wasn't just them who made me have so many bad memories... I wish it was just them, it seems that everyone these days have terrible parental experiences... but what about friends, strangers, relationships? I have been dealt the same treatment from everyone who has come across me. I really wish I could say I am an asshole, I am not a good person, I am jealous, I am hateful, I am spiteful... but I am not any of these things. Matter of fact I am actually calm, collected, easy going, free spirited, and I feel from all I have been through I fully understand what causes people to be so spiteful. The only bad thing about me... I feel I can never be happy.
I am not much of a writer but I am now going to take a trip back in time... back to my hell. There are no dates... these events happened so frequently that it felt like a daily thing.
The chessboard (high school days): I love chess, I love strategy, but at one point in life I was doing terrible in school. I was hanging out with the "outcasts" (what we called ourselves), we all had destructive parents and that fueled our destructive nature. This nature had me skipping classes, not doing homework to go out with my friends, and fighting. Well all of those destructive actions got back to my father who I was living with at the time... He was furious. He didn't beat me for once, but instead told me I was grounded for an entire year. Yes, an entire year.
When I was grounded it wasn't just "no outside privileges" or "no video games / T.V". I was grounded from everything except books and a chess board. My brother ran away during this time so there was no one to play chess with, I already read all of my books, so I began playing chess by myself. I built strategies, and game play ideas, was bored but that was all I could do. My father came home one time drunk from the bar and asked me a simple question after he noticed me playing chess by myself. He asked me "who's winning Isiah". Of course I answered "I am". He had a follow up question, "who's losing Isiah"? I was somewhat confused by his question but answered again "I am". He sat on the opposite of the table and asked again, "who's winning Isiah", and again I answered "I am". He was frustrated at this point and threatened "You better give me a fucking straight answer Isiah, who the fuck is winning"? "I am". He rubbed his head, got off his seat, and stood over me. He looked me in the eyes and he stated "You better give me a straight fucking answer, you can't be winning and losing, Who the fuck is losing"!? I screamed I am and then came the fists... pummeled me... then he just walked away without a word...
I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this?
About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone.
Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home.
bye guys xx
Today I feel positive, really positive. I've taken all of the terrified thoughts and anxious behaviours from last night and turned them around. I feel control and power, i know it wont last forever, because i get tired, or sad, or nervous and it will all come flooding back. But im prepared for that at the moment. Life doesnt seem so bleak. It feels managable. I guess im writing this to remind myself that there are points in time that i do feel okay, and i feel safe. When i start to feel depressed my reality slips away and im left feeling so hurt and vunerable, then i might have suicidal thoughts and although i know i couldnt take my own life, my anxiety kicks in like nobodies business. I know now why thay say anxiety is the cousin to depression. But with all that said, i feel so good about this, and i feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience real shit downs and get to learn some really amazing things about myself. I cant promise my next entry wont be tonight when my bed time trigger seems to kick off, but i feel confident in knowing that nothing is ever permanent and life is ever flowing and changing. I've got this.
When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist.
What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live?
When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.
What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for?
I found just two dreams to live for.
It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.
"I wish to make books to inspire change"
My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.
But still, it was one of my greatest desires.
It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am.
That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought.
I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to.
I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine.
I hoped some day mr right would pass by me.
Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone.
But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?
Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything?
A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one.
My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...
I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.
I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(
I wish I at least had a friend.
If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time.
I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.
friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say.
I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.
My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.
I really hate it.
Hi, my name is Holly. I am seeking out a community of people who understand anxiety. I feel so alone in my condition sometimes. I feel like I am crazy and that I make up everything that is wrong with me, but I am learning that that is not true.
I have been going to doctors very routinely since about the 1st grade (I am a sophomore in college now). For all these years, I have usually been told that nothing is wrong with me. My problems have been breathing issues, stomach issues, acid reflux, neck pain, general body pain, exhaustion, sore throat, exessive mucus, etc. I always felt hopeless and insane. I felt like I was making up my problems and became progressively depressed.
In the 10th grade I became extremely depressed. I was very suicidal and started taking antidepressents. I honestly don't remember much after getting on those pills. All I know is that they stopped my anxiety attacks and they caused me to sit at home and stare at a lot of walls. I think I was working with a bad psychologist at this point in my life. I am trying to get the courage to try anti anxiety pills soon because the anxiety is out of control again.
My current problems include breathing difficulties, extreme stomach pain, inability to eat much, exhaustion, and lots and lots of emotional anxiety issues. After going to 3 specialists, I have been told that nothing is physically wrong with me and that basically all of my medical conditions can be attributed to anxiety. The time has come for me to try anti-anxiety pills because this anxiety is taking over my life.
I am trying to be hopeful that things will get better. I have big dreams. I am an actress and a singer and I want to pursue those passions. I want a family and I want happiness. But anxiety is stopping me from doing all of this. I need a community to be on my side and help me to understand my anxiety. But I am going to have faith that it will get better. I need to have faith that it will get better.
For some reason I've felt down... I don't know.
I have begun thinking like, I can live without worrying again when I feel like this. It's over. My past. I don't have to feel like I am shitty for all and nothing. Depression might be building me up again. I feel stronger each time somehow. Maybe I don't need to feel sad anymore? I am starting to feel like this is something I can get over.
I feel like I can do the thing I used to... I remember before when I still felt good. Or before I lost who I was.
I always felt strong, unstopable, honest... yeah... I was maybe just 5-6 years. I had so many dreams, so many wishes.
Remembering back, I wonder what happen on my path to turn me like this?
I remember I loved my father at one point, and my siblings, because then... then I was still me.
No one had torn at who I was yet. I understood violence, and I knew how to stand up for others around then to, because my siblings was treated differently. I was "blue eyed witch" acording to my sister before I was 4, and I saw how she hurt. I couldn't understand how parents could treat children so differently. On television they treated kids differently. When I was on this farm each half year, it was different. I don't know what happen.
I guess when my parents begun carring for me full time thing went down wrong.
My father tried to buy us kids. I remember when I rejected his ideas of treating us differently... was it then allowance was removed? we didn't have boundaries or rules, yet we were expected to do grown up stuff? Make our own lunch? breakfeast? hm... I don't understand...
I am trying to remember a birthday I had... I am trying to recall what was said, why I ended up on my own. Was it my brother telling me it was his day and not mine? Was it the others telling me something else...? I don't recall.. how come I feel lost? How did I lose who I was? My spirit has never wavered yet my voice have... it's not like me to pitty myself like this. Pitty wont give me courage... pitty wont let me live... how can I move forward when I have forgotten how to be myself?
I feel like I am stuck as long as I can't be myself fully. I have forgotten something wery important between then and now. I don't know what I have forgotten though.
It's not my hope... my courage and life will is growing each day... maybe it's how I forgot to live? can it be? Or is it my voice?
I am not sure how I can find myself to get rid of the depression, but I am certain, before dealing with the anxiety, I need to deal with the depression.
Right now, the depression is holding me back from going further ahead with my anxiety... I need to find the root of my anxiety... I feel like I somehow have given up, and I can't accept that. It's not me to give up. Never. I hate the idea that I somehow have given up. How can such a thing be true? My hope is eternal, that I am certain. As long as there is hope, you don't give into something... but certainly, I have accuiered this additude of no hope to survive. I though it was easier to survive without emotions... but it has made it harder. To get past the depression I need to cry, and read my mind when I cry... understand why I cry. I must reflect, I must adapt from merely surviving to actually live.
It's a strange change.
I don't know how to regard this yet.
For that, my mind has frozen... I have needed to breath... I ... I must live.
I don't understand... my life hasn't been that pitiful has it? I forgot emotions to protect me... but even with emotions I feel distant. I am no one... I don't deserve anything.
I have yet to earn my own place in life, even if I am alive. I am right now just surviving... it's pitiful... I need to live.
I don't know if anyone understand it, but... probably... here... others feel like me.
Anxiety, depression... maybe other problems affecting them...
in my childhood, this feeling would make me wish to die, and perish.
Now... because I know there is no one to fear, I can live. I need to live. My body feel this confusion because I don't need death, but life. My desire in this state has changed drastically... perhaps this change is the prof I am in change. I desire to live on my own again.
My spark has started to burn a small flame instead of being glowing coal (imagining how it would look like).
It's like a tiny, tiny candle within myself, instead of this eternal glowing ball of coal. A small candle, that if I treat it right, it might turn into my eternal sun again.
When I was a child, I remember how dazzling and pure my flame was. I wasn't afraid... I didn't give in to anything. I did chose to hide my heart to protect my inner sun, but the lack of air... the lack of things to love... it has almost estinguished it on it own... such solditude and loneliness... like I was the only one in the world.
When I was a teenager, I changed my though. I begun forcing myself to look around me.
I saw other glimmering suns dying around me... others people who suffered. I though how so many people could feel alone, and realized like me none were looking up.
It was a strange moment to understand that others had this emptiness, that others were crying because of similar reasons. What I made about it was the though I had since childhood.. I need to create a change... my dream always was to change others, to bring hope to them. Somehow make them see the same I have seen, or somehow experience it. As I child I wrote for people to dream. That goal has not changed.
However... with this depression, my fire died a little.
Part by part it has grown smaller, thighter in a smaller and smaller chamber.
My point is... I need to find my sun again, that huge force of fire inside me, I must find out how to present it in my life. How to accept I am alive right now instead of surviving.
I just need to remove the invisible chain right now, the invisible wall I presented around me. The chain I call depression... I feared to believe myself, to trust... everything has rooth in the sadness... so I must assume the role where I solve what created it first. Afterwards, I can take knot after knot out and straigten my life. o_o
So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown.
Or in my case a breakthrough.
When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life.
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me).
I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them.
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it.
The fear, the anxiety, and crying.
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well.
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o
Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right?
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much... even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry...
It's human... I am human....
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o
Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(
My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again.
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o
I have been thinking...
when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again.
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o
Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o
I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(
When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.
I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others...
I have been alone all my life...
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(
I don't know how others will react upon this.
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better.
I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(