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Displaying items by tag: fear

Tuesday, 14 August 2012 14:43

Triggers and Fear

Well this to be honest, I was hesitant on doing. Guess I fear even the thoughts of others as well as my own. I have been struggling with GAD and MD the last three months and have been this past month working with doctor and therapist to work through it. Therapist recommended I stay home from work for two weeks but yeah can't afford to do that so only took a week off. Primary doctor put me on effexor and attivan which I had a bad reaction to the effexor xr. I am now back on the effexor tablets and now on xannax  which knock me out. Seems as though my anxiety hits the worst when I dont sleep but yet I am not sleeping because of the anxiety. The depression I have learned to get past but the anxiety is kicking me in the rear. Its my first day back to work today in about a week and I have had no sleep. Heart is racing, jaw tightening and hands are shaking. One of my triggers happens to be my boss whom hounds me to answers as to why I am not myself the last three months. He is new and has no management experience but really.... is it really needed to hound me. In my head im screaming do your homework fool and google what my condition is and yet I put on a fake smile, stay professional and just say I dont know but I am seeking help. My mind is running a million miles and hour.... where did my off switch go. I want to cry and I am to old to feel like this. Its like that first day at school you dreaded as a child and cried when your mom left you feeling. This is so out of character for me and I guess the anxiety is only getting worse because I have no Idea why it hit me out of the blue. I am scared this anxiety will never go away. I feel helpless, defeated and just lost in my own mind.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:28


I don't have an actual diagnosis of agoraphobia. I am diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety including OCD. I do have severe issues with getting out of my home. I am not really afraid of leaving really. I am not afraid of people seeing me or anything that some people I know are agoraphobic are. As far as I figure, my problems are more with the preparation to go and fears that I might forget something before leaving or coming home. I also become overwhelmed if planning to get some place gets complicated. I still love to get out! I love being at Mom's. I love to be at a restaurant for a meal. I even love to be at a store shopping! I don't mind so much going by bus... but I dread coming home by bus. I also dread arranging to get a ride home.

It isn't that I don't like being home either. I am quite comfortable here even though I have a clutter issue. It is "home" to me. It is the organizing to go that is the problem. It wasn't nearly so much an issue when I still had a car to drive places. My car was in my comfort zone. I could always get in my car and go home whenever I wanted and get something. I could always have a sports bag with me that had all I might want or need... but travelling by bus... or with a ride from someone else... it is not as easy.

Decades ago, a psychiatrist told me that a part of some of my panic with travelling somewhere had to do with my obsessing on the details of the route and on the perfect route. So I wonder if it is that same OCD issue. That I obsess on perfection or something similar, that I obsess on what might go wrong if I forget something when I go out.

Of course when it comes to going out, I have some health issues that come to to play. When I go out shopping, I likely will pay for it with a few days exhaustion. Health issues reduced my stamina which reduced what I could do. (I didn't reduce what I was doing which reduced my stamina... so many assume that. I went down fighting. I still fight it.) A person sometimes hesitates to do things that cause pain. I mostly hide, even from myself now, when I have panic/anxiety attacks. They do help exhaust a person though.

I take the bus to my Mom's for family occasions even though I could get rides there, but I do gratefully accept a ride home. I still don't know why even the thought of catching a bus home panics me? It always has since childhood. I can do it, but... when I was taking Zoloft years ago that tamed it a bit. And taking trazidone helps me not to be panicking as I think about it now. (Basically I don't get a flashback now.)

However I write too much... I still don't think I have traditional Agoraphobia. I am not afraid of being away from home. I am not afraid of being around others — though I do have problems panicking a bit in crowds when things get too tight. (Think standing room only on a bus.) I feel too many "stories" amongst all those around me. ...and I am still writing too much...

I guess it doesn't matter what it is called really. It keeps me from visiting friends. It keeps me from seeing my Mom. Worse it keeps me from getting groceries or seeing the Doctor. So even if it isn't agoraphobia, it is one thing, it is a Problem.

Published in Diary
Sunday, 27 May 2012 03:51

The ups and downs suck

Well, it started out as a great day...then I took a nap...a 6 hour nap, and woke up with my chest hurting...which started the fear cycle....finally took my xanax....ya know no matter how many times I go to the ER, Doctor, etc...these irrational thoughts that there is really something wrong with me medically, just won't leave. The dr reduced my Prozac and all the irrational thoughts are back...I was feeling so much better on 20mg...why do they need to screw with things, just leave it alone if it's working. I did take my xanax and forced myself to go out walking tonight. We usually do three miles but tonight, we did two, because I was feeling so sluggish...feeling better now, praying tomorrow can only get better right?

Published in Diary
Saturday, 28 April 2012 02:47

how it started

Artistically, I've always thrived off confrontation and rejection.

It makes me want to prove my worth and prove people wrong.

In my mind, things are fine until I wake up and realize that I have a physical body that has limits. And honestly, that wasn't all that bad, having limits. 


I've always been afraid of vomiting ever since I was little. I'd be shaking and sweating with the effort of keeping it, of staying in control. When I went to university things abated. I was able to eat out and eat until I was full. Towards the end of my second year I woke up feeling ill. I was too hot, then too cold and so very thirsty. I got out of bed to get some water, fell on the floor and vomited bile on the hardwood. I got up to go to the bathroom to clean myself up, but I got stuck at the doorway. I couldn't hear or see. Everything was dark and sound was muted as if I was underwater. Apparently I was moaning because my parents came out of their room and saw me standing, pale and drenched in sweat.

They thought it'd be okay after a while, but I was still shaking and vomiting horribly and shitting the fluids out of my body. No water would stay down. They drove me to the ER and I was vomiting more in the car. I was fine there for a bit. My blood pressure was dangerously low and wouldn't get to normal no matter how many bags of saline they gave me. They sent me home after five hours after running blood and urine tests. They didn't know what was wrong.


This happened again, about eight months later, but without the hospitalization. Now I'm afraid whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, or when there's too much saliva in my mouth, when I'm too warm. Everything seems to be a symptom of sickness and I don't know what to do. Most days I'm uncomfortable leaving my house, but I do it anyway, treating it like a ritual.

Published in Diary
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We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!