It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.
On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"
but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves.
However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.
This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.
Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun.
Today I feel something that I haven't felt for an INCREDIBLY long time. I feel truly happy.
Last night, I came out as gay (well lesbian but I don't really like that word) to someone who is very important to me, and I could not have asked for a better reaction. Not only did they show an immense ammount of support but they also told me that they were once in the same position, and understand what it's like.
Because my school is quite homophobic, I never feel accepted there, and people make horrible comments about LGBTQ+. They don't know about me, but it's still quite hurtful. After coming out to someone (Not involved with school) and having such a wonderful response I just can't help feeing so happy and accepted.
I hope this feeling lasts a while longer, I'd almost forgotten what it was like to feel so happy.
Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.
I haven't been on in a while. I feel compelled to write a new entry. It's in concern to intimate relationships. I feel like they won't ever work. That's it. Pretty much, ha. I don't realy want to delve into it at this moment. But this is a "cry for 'help'", quite frankly. And aat the same time I realize that there is nothing that anyone can do. Ugh... so hopeless.
I'm just your average person next door. Almost 31 with a younger daughter, a loving better half, a place to call home and even a little dog named zero. We're the picture perfect family right? Not even in the least bit.. I live day to day with anxiety dissorder and panic attacks.. It all started at a young age. I was 8 happy, loved, and excited to start my first day of 2nd grade... My Teacher that year was Ms. Forster and from her look I knew this was gonna be an exciting year. After getting settled in and things put away at my desk my name was called from the front of the room. Yahh what could it be, I was told to grab my belongings and head to the office.. No way could this be happening! How lucky was I to be headed home on the first day of school.. As I walked through the hall at the end I saw my DaD and uncle waiting for me. As I got closer I could see a tears streaming down my dads face.. As I looked at him hopelessly waiting for him to muster the words I knew in my heart what he was about to say.. It can not be, no it's not true, I won't listen I kept saying in my mind as what I didn't want to hear came from my fathers lips.. Grandad died today sweetheart I'm soo sorry.. as I hugged him tight I remember feeling lost, alone, and scared for the first time in the short eight years I lived on this earth.. As time passed I felt more at ease. When the faurnal came around is when my life changed forever.. The furnel home smelled musty, people and family were crying as I walked up the isle to see him.. Their he laid looking soo peaceful.. He didn't look sick he looked like he was sleeping.. As I touched his hand it felt cold. I looked to my dad and asked him why grandad just don't wake up, wake up to make me my fav grilled cheese sandwiches none the less.. As I s started to scream for him to wake up the other family members leaped from their chairs as if someone said mean and hurtful things.. My father was told to take me and leave since I was causing a sceen.. Why on earth my granddads adult children felt threatened by an eight year old is beyond me.. That night in the car on the ride home I remember asking my mom and dad if I was gonna die! Their words I quote "No sweetheart people only die when their old".. This was the beginning of what caused my life to turn upside down, where fears take over and I feel weak!!! That was the beginning of my ANXIETY!!!
So yeah... I've been trying to make my own website basically just like this one, but nobdy likes it I guess. Sucks to suck... but yeah if anyone actually cares I made a blog during the hardest part of my treatment called King Kong's Bitches. Yep. http://ocdfighter.blogspot.com/
Fear is a major part of my life. I’m scared to get up, scared to go to work, scared to come home from work, scared to go to sleep and also scared to do everything in between. It’s this fear that causes anger and pain. I know the thoughts I have are irrational and that my mind is playing tricks but the helplessness causes me to mentally “beat myself up” over it.
what is anxiety to me:
It is a pretty standard list, if you search anxiety and depression symptoms you are likely to find all of them listed; except two. Strength and Hope. The reason I have included these will become clear by the end of this blog.
When I have a panic or anxiety attack I always get a pain down my left arm and a crushing feeling in my chest. After being on this site I have found that I am not alone in feeling this pain. However, I am always wary to dismiss it as just an attack as it’s always in my mind that this time it could be an actual heart attack!
One of the main reasons I decided to write this was to push myself. If it embarrasses me, then so be it. There have been many times I have avoided doing things because I was scared of being judged, failing and making an utter fool of myself; but recently I made a conscious choice to do the things I would have shied away from regardless of what anyone may think.
It’s easier said than done.
How will I ever know if I am good at something unless I try it? How will I find something to distract me from being anxious and depressed without giving it a go? I recently saw this quote that sums up what I mean. It is from a man called Fredrick Smith:
“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try anything.”
I’m often perceived as lazy. This is a tag that annoys me because I do not choose to be, motivation is not something I can control…yet! As sufferers will know, the effort it takes to get up in the morning alone, let alone the strength it takes to make it through the day, is something that many people cannot understand.
This leads me nicely on to Strength and Hope.
If you think of all the energy, strength and effort you put into fighting your symptoms and living a normal life (whatever that is!) shows how amazing we really are and with just a little self-belief we can take control of our lives and not live dictated by the disorder. The strongest people I know are the people who live or have lived with mental health disorders, and that gives me hope for the future.
Dale (profile name Megalatron)
Please feel free to add me or inbox me with feedback or just a chat. No-one has to suffer alone! Also thanks to user kevin88 for drawing my avatar!