It's been a rough second semester and I'm feeling the pressure. I'm writing to relieve the tension in my body.
I'm starting to have rush of thoughts again. To be fair, I've been consuming an average of one and a half cup of coffee a day. What can I say? It's exam time again.
The rush of thoughts contain the same old. Irrational fears, intrusive images, and unpleasant feelings.
Now, I am afraid of somehow developing schizophrenia, I am worried about failing my exam for the third time, and I'm afraid that people will misjudge me for my mental illness.
E rush of thoughts is making it difficult to study. I think I should abandon the coffee.
I really feel a difference since I have moved the bedroom back it its original room in the house. Realized that I might have been waking up a bit too much from the woman upstairs walking so hard and heavy on the ground... I mean wow her man walks lighter than her - well he is lighter... A new mom too.. Instead of feeling angry , I have to remember we all have our own problems.Anyways -point being where my room was before there is no part of anyones apartment above it.. I moved it before cause the man next door was blasting his bass but that has long stopped.. I feel much stress with the apartment I live in.. So many tenants in and out that have been major drug addicts or truely insane...
Just need to remind myself that at the moment the guy next door that once gave me hell got in trouble for all he was doing and now is quiet and respectful. He has been in and out of jail - has PTSD - 54 year old veteran of war from N. Carolina. Talks to himself and does drugs. He tried to be territorial then was put in his place by management.. Its just a fourplex but I really have a tendancy to let other people get under my skin. If they dont like me I can obsess on it forever... I was raised not to care what anyone thinks. So sometimes we do the opposite of what we were raised to do! I overly care and its adding up at my age... Its giving me panic , stress and songs stuck in loops in my head..
Yes it might be time to move but just like many other Americans I have bad credit, low income and not a dime saved in a saving account... I live paycheck to paycheck but moving is just another way of running away from a problem.. I also lived in this place with a abuser/alchoholic for almost four years. There are still some visible holes in the walls but I have a loving man in my life for almost a year now. He lives here and I feel like the PTSD from my past relationship is coming out now.. I mean why didnt songs run through my head when I lived with the jerk? Doesnt make sense other than possible delayed response.
I have so many fears I am facing.. Like trusting and loving again , accepting and forgiving the past and loving myself in the now. Use guided meditations every night and have had three good nights of sleep after months of waking up to pounding feet..
SOMETHING DIFFERENT TODAY: I wake up to go the the bathroom once in night ( used to be three times) and also wake up to turn over. I noticed that the same song was not in my head- each time I woke up it was different and that nagging song for almost three days ( I dare not write it down) was taken up by a different song. I hope its breaking up and going away!! What the heck!
So I'm new to this website. I found out about it through Twitter and figured I should check it out. I'm 14, so I'm going to start my first year of high school in September. I'm nervous (more nervous than I usually am). Whenever I try to tell my parents or anyone about how scared and worried I am about starting high school, they always brush it off and say that everyone is nervous about high school and that it'll turn out fine. Well ok. I didn't realize everyone had Generalized Anxiety Disorder to deal with. I hate it so much when people try to act like their minimal stress is anything similar to what it's like spending every second of your life worrying about things that probably don't even matter. BEING STRESSED AND HAVING AN ANXIETY DISORDER ARE NOT SYNONOMOUS! But anyway, back to what I was saying. So my school didn't give us any information or any details about how things work at the school. We've already had three orientations and I still don't know what time school starts. There are common knowledge things about the school day that I don't know and that scares me a lot. In just a few short weeks, I'm going to be walking into a school I know nothing about with a bunch of people I barely know in a situation that's completely new to me. You know, in my middle school, we didn't have locks on our lockers. I'm going to go to school and look like an idiot because I don't know how to open a combination lock. Then everyone is just going to stare at me and I'll be known as the girl who couldn't open her fucking locker. They also didn't give us a list of supplies we need for our classes. What if I forget to buy something from Staples? I'll seem unprepared. The best advice I've ever gotten in life was that you only get one chance to make a first impression. What if I fuck it up? In addition to that, the first three weeks of school, my bedroom is being redone. That means I'll be getting a crappy night sleep on an air mattress in my play room for almost the entire first month of school. As if that wasn't ENOUGH stress, my parents are making me get a job being a referee for little kids soccer games. I'll already have to wake up early for school and wake up early to do volunteer work on Sundays, but now I also have to wake up at 7:30 on Saturdays. I barely get any sleep already because I'm up all night FUCKING WORRYING ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS! And even when I do sleep, It's a challenge to actually stay asleep. I know it's only the beginning of August, but even thinking about September is making my stomach sick. As a little side note,my left arm is numb too. Does that ever happen to any of you? But on a more positive note, this is a col website. I really enjoy being able to vent like this. You can expect to see me on here a lot more :]
Today was a relatively good day. I'd say my anxiety was at a minimum. Except my boyfriend and I were going to Olive Garden and all of a sudden I got an overwhelming sense of anxiousness. Couldn't make it in. I believe I have realized I have anxiety about anxiety. After having had a panic attack ,I fear having one again. SO my anxiety heightens. I need to start exercising, this will hopefully help. Tomorrow I am going to the doctors after work to seek help.
Siblings & Fires
As a child life was not easy in my eyes. from the day i can remember i was the favourite out of 4 siblings. One older brother (now nearly 18) , One younger sister (nearly 16) , and One older Half-sister (25).
They hated me.
They bullied me, tormented me. Since i was a child. It happens all the time. I'm now a month away from turning 17 and it still happens. My brother suffers from ADHD and can be abusive when angry. He has shoved me once for having his shoe. He still torments me when he can. Just little digs but they hurt. My little sister was not as bad but she would just follow the others. Now days we dearly speak. She is under social workers due to many reasons and is bearly getting GCSEs (UK grades). The worse out them all is my oldest sister. She has always hated me. I was nothing to her but a waste of space. No matter what i do. just a few weeks ago she attacked me. In my room dragging me by the hair and punching and slapping me. All over hair products. She was forced to give me a apology by my mum & dad. However, I know she don't mean it.
We all live with my parents. Its a daily thing.
A few years ago there was a fire. My dad nearly died. I was 10 at the time. It was about 6/7am. was about to wake up for school when the fire started, flammable liquids started the fire. Our living room and kitchen was distoryed and everywhere was smoke damage. After the fire i was in shock. Didn't talk for days. It took two months for everything to recover. physically. I hated fire since. At age of 14 another fire. In the garden. It was 4am, i wake up to a bright light from the window, and i just saw flames. A uncle who hated us set fire to the shed. Everything burnt up. Including our poor rabbit.
I hated school. I was a target for bullies. SInce primary they picked on me and shoved me. I struggled with words. I was a slow learner due to being half deaf. I cried myself to sleep and i felt alone. As secondary school started i though it would be a new start. Make friends, and start something. I was so wrong..... It just got worse. I was beaten many times and then one day a girl set my hair on fire with a busten burner. I had very long hair so thankfully i was not hurt. My mum took me out of school and was home schooled till i was 12. I started a new school. Nothing really changed much. Just 2weeks into a girl punched me in the face because i looked at her weirdly. A few months later i had enough. A girl was tormenting me in the locker room and i just snapped. I don't remember a lot but she was not expecting it since she got a broken nose. Life, got a little better after that. made friends and i started being a little happy, the bullying never stopped but it didn't bother me no more.
My Mum & Dad
I loved my mum and dad. But there not perfect. My mum was abusive to my dad. meanly and physically. Was not the best way to grow up. Night after night it just seemed to got worse as i got older. I get hunted by memories of them. My mum suffers from depression and a lot of other things that i don't know much of. But she has huge anger problems. And refuses help. My dad is a gambler. he is addicted but, i'm the only person that knows. everyday he is on the gambling websites. When no one is around. I stopped him loads of times. However, i never confuted him. I'm just a silly teenager to him. He also has heart problems, and diabetes and a lot of other stuff. So i leave it.
Right now events
Both of my nans died of cancer (One is 2011, Other just few weeks ago) . We are planning the funeral that is on the 18 of June. My dad is waiting for heart surgery and my brother and younger sister is failing education. My older sister still lives with us and has no plans to leave for a few more years.
Since i can remember i had always had a little bit of anxiety because of all of this. However, i got sick in December. Its got a lot worse. I went to a doctor but due to ill health they where more worried about that. Once i was better (February) it got to a point where i could not continue education and my social life vanished. It could be something small to trigger. Memories, Small pains, arguments, or nothing at all! It just seems its only getting worse. I'm starting to give up and thinking this is going to be my life. My boyfriend of nearly 2years is feeling the stress and i'm worried about the future. I just don't know what to so no more. This has made my year (and life) hell. I'm lucky to sleep at 5am let alone at all. Also to add i live in London. So medical stuff here is limited due to the NHS. Please if anyone has any advise contact me!
I Don't Know What To Do No More.
Anxiety is a form of stress that not only affects the way you feel and act but also has an impact on your physical health and appearance. I went through many years of debilitating social anxiety and I journalled the effects it had on my physical health and appearance. I noted an increase in hair loss, a deterioration of skin appearance, increased muscle tension and increased skin sebum. But are these symptoms typical of anxiety?
In observing many of the physical symptoms of those who suffer anxiety I can say with confidence that hair loss is certainly not a guaranteed result of prolonged anxiety. In fact many anxiety sufferers can go for years suffering the condition without any major impact on their hair growth. However, emotional stress does have an impact on physical health, which undoubtedly affects the appearance of skin and hair; whether it causes increased acne or worsening of hair health, or other visible physical symptoms.
Several studies, including a UCLA study on mice in 2010, have demonstrated that stress causes hair loss. In the UCLA study the researchers used a drug to block the stress hormone “corticotrophin-releasing factor” and hair loss ceased or reversed as a result.
When the mind is in a state of anxiety, proteins from the thymus or lymph glands are converted to sugar for instant energy. Continued anxiety makes the body draw on further nutrients to compensate. This process releases free-radicals, which in turn necessitates a increased supply of ever-diminishing antioxidants to tackle the free-radicals.
In addition to a reduction in the availability of key nutrients required for hair growth, stress and anxiety also causes increased muscle tension, particularly in the neck and shoulders, increased skin sebum production and an increase in hormones that must be processed by the liver. A strong supply of blood to the hair is crucial for hair growth: the hair receives the nutrients it needs to grow via the bloodstream. However increased muscle tension and a decreased availability of vitamin C can reduce blood supply to the hair. Factors such as smoking also decrease the supply of blood to the hair.
Sebum can clog the pores in the scalp, which may hinder hair growth: sebum contains a hormone called 'DHT', which causes hair loss.
So you can see how anxiety can have an impact on hair growth, particularly if you are a smoker, don't exercise regularly and don't consume high levels of antioxidants and B vitamins to compensate for those lost due to high stress levels.
The first and most important thing is to take active steps to reduce your anxiety levels. Since anxiety may be the root cause of your hair loss, reducing your anxiety levels may have a direct impact on your hair growth. Secondly, you need to reverse the damage caused by high stress levels.
Just as you need to eat more proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals after participating in heavy exercise to compensate for the use of nutrients, you need to increase your intake of key nutrients that help promote hair growth in order to recover from stress related hair loss.
There are really three key elements to this equation. One is an increase in the consumption of the key amino acids for hair growth, such as cysteine and lysine. Another is an increase in the consumption of supporting nutrients that better enable your body to use the building blocks to grow new hair. And last but certainly not least you need to increase the amount of blood being supplied to the hair, in order to deliver the nutrients to the follicles.
That said, I can't stress enough how important the first step is: reducing your anxiety levels. Although it is relatively easy to increase your consumption of the key nutrients that promote hair growth and there are some easy ways to increase blood flow to your scalp; conquering your anxiety is not an easy task. And until you are able to reduce your anxiety levels you will always be compensating for the underlying problem.
If you would like to learn more about the techniques the author of this article uses to increase hair growth using key nutrients and methods that increase blood flow to your hair follicles, visit the authors blog, http://www.nicehair.org/
Last month, on September 3rd, I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere after coming home from IHOP at 3am in the morning. I felt some strong social anxiety at IHOP and knew something was wrong, but I freaked out about an hour after I got home and lost it, and thought I was having a heart attack! I wasn't of course, but when it had happened I felt so weak I thought I was going to collapse, my head was spinning A LOT, and I felt impending doom. After they dealt with me at the hospital by giving me fluids and some ativan through an IV, I had complained to them about my stomach being all torn up recently. It was IBS type symptoms, but I wasn't specific because I was just getting over my biggest panic attack ever. So, they gave me Nexium, and some ativan. I took the Nexium and before you knew it, my stomach BLEW UP! All of a sudden I had acid reflux, I couldn't sleep in my bed, because the acid would run up my esophagus and was causing me to be extremely nauseous and the acid was slamming against my gastric ulcer, or ulcers constantly. I was not only full of anxiety, but now, I was constantly scared that I was dying because of my issues!
I went to my doctor the next day and got her to give me a prescription for Buspar. As a back story, I've been on Lexapro for years, but about three years ago I complained to my doc that the sexual side affects were too much, and I was far too tired all of the time. I had been seeing someone and I wanted to be able to "perform", so, we tried new medications. NOTHING worked. Everything was worse than the Lexapro. Cymbalta made me so that I couldn't walk across the room at work, Pristique made my heart pound through my chest, I tried Celexa again, and it just was a no go. Must have been because of the Lexapro, and so, it was deemed that nothing was working and I was very susceptible to the side affects of all this medicine, so he gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to hang in there. Which, I did, until the last part of last year when I started having an extremely hard time. I started having constant anxiety, and I could NOT shake it. I told him, and I may have tried Lexapro again, that slips my mind, but I guess the side affects were still too much. So, for the last three years, I've been off and on meds, but more OFF them, and that came back to haunt me last month when I had the worst panic attack I've had in 11 years, and am continuing to deal with it as we speak.
I've come dependent on the Xanax, and the Buspar at 20mg, 2x per day does not seem to do the job entirely. I have been haunted by dark thoughts of dying now and at an old age, so dying at all and I can't stop my mind from racing. I am having more and more mini-panic attacks, I just had a crazy episode not two hours ago that has just let up. I can't exactly call my doctor now because it's a Saturday, but I believe I need to be tapered off the Buspar and back onto the Lexapro. I still have a full bottle, so it is possible to start immediately but I don't want to do ANYTHING without his approval.
I've since quit the Nexium and calmed my stomach down with a Aloe Vera Stomach Formula drink and Zantac, with more natural stuff on the way, but even though my stomach has improved the last few days, my stress still tears at it, and I'm still suffering from harsh night time reflux and have to sit up in my chair. Nevermind that before the Nexium, I never had this problem. IF I had a hiatal hernia, it certainly never bothered me with the short episodes, which were few and far between. I've had to change doctors because the last one didn't take me seriously about the problems the Nexium was causing, which included sending a pulse to my chest and making my arms and neck buzz and tingle that kept me from sleeping at night, and the new doctor tried Prilosec, which worked, but had the same symptoms, and between that and the BUSPAR I could barely operate. So, since maybe Thurs. of last week, I've been on Zantac and Aloe Vera, with antacids. I'm hoping that gets better sooner than later because it's making me stress more! It's one big vicious cycle. He also setup an appoint with a specialist to get me scoped from both ends to confirm my IBS/Ulcers, and probably Acid Reflux issues and make sure nothing worse was going on in there, which, in itself, has me frightened, because of the unknown of the tests and if there could be anything worse going on with me. I'm not bleeding from either end, so if there is, I can only imagine at the very least it's not advanced staged. I think that in itself is crazy however also, because more than likely it's just a more sever form of IBS and a few Ulcers getting slammed by the Acid that the Nexium made 100% worse for weeks on end until i figured it out!
So here I sit, tripping like crazy, trying to keep my mind off all of this negative stuff while waiting on getting the endoscopy and colonoscopy all at the same time. All of this weighs heavily on me. I can't even make it in to work and had to get the boss to do a schedule change for me, which I'm hoping will eleviate some of the stress, since my schedule is 5:45am, and I haven't been able to sleep at night. So now, I'm gonna work at night, try and sleep during the day.
I am NOT doing well right now and I'm having a very hard time! I may even have to go ahead and let my car go because I'm missing so much work. Which means, I will have to call the bank and negotiate some type of return and then pay off any excess balance that I might be upside down on over time and ruin my credit on top of that I imagine. I just can't afford to live like I had been and that would be the first thing to go. :(
I just want my life back. :( I'm going downhill fast, and the only support system I have are friends on Facebook. Some are helpful, but ultimately, I have no one here with me to tell me it's going to be ok and I'm hurting.
Oh where to start.. I suppose by introducing myself.
My name is Cassandra (a.k.a: Turbo Penguin), I'm (almost) 27 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have had issues with anxiety since... god knows when it really started.
See when I first started to have issues with anxiety was when I was very young. I vaguely remember going to my parents (adopted at the time) and saying it felt like someone was on my chest, that I couldn't breath, and that I didn't feel good. They would say that it was either guilt or that it was growing pains, it would go away.
It wasn't until many many years later that I was able to get a name to this issue and then I started to actually understand and be able to begin even understanding anything that was going on with me. I started to see a counsellor and try to begin working through some issues, but that didn't work out so well, I started to fear and not trust her, then it lead to feelings of judgement and dishonour, which then started the cycle... I wouldn't go to see her, and then what I thought was having a handle on the anxiety lead to dangerous behaviours, getting depressed worse, and more frequent until it was almost a state of always. I'd drink, and do other things that I'm not proud of, but it was how I coped - if I didn't care; then how would anything bug me? Simple: It won't because you're numb and down enough that it's just pointless to even spare a thought. I then got really, really sick. To the point where I could not stay awake for even five minutes, or to have a conversation with someone. I'd fall asleep waiting for the bathroom. It was crazy. The doctor I went and saw said it was depression and put me on a strong does of Xanax. I slept even more. Even better - I started getting even more sick, with a cold from hell, I was going through 2-3 rolls of toilet paper blowing my nose, I couldn't keep food down, breathing was near impossible, a friends mother said I had pneumonia, but I slept and slept and slept. At about 10-11 weeks in to this insanity I started being awake more often. I was regaining life, and got myself a new job... the original ad said part time 15-20 hrs a week. After we did training we were told it was 40 hrs a week. Most people would be happy, but I wasn't... it was too much, too soon. So I tried to tough it out and make it through. I ended up leaving there very soon after starting.
You see, there are some things that will trigger anxiety in me - new job, work, starting something new, going somewhere new - one may say that I fear the unknown, so much so that my body starts to malfunction. I still to this day have not overcome this big step, but I'm trying to work on it.
I'm starting my new job today - maybe all my anxiety is for nothing.