I've calmed down a lot since the other day. When I got the paperwork in the mail about my hospital stay in the epilepsy unit I completely freaked out and was terrified. I still have a LOT of misgivings about this whole process. I have to be there fifteen minutes before my appointment time to be fitted for my EEG cap that I have to wear for five to seven days (depending on how things go). I have to wear button up clothes so that the wires fit where they are supposed to. I will be put in a room and be constantly monitored via the EEG machine and video cameras. I am really uncomfortable being video taped but I understand why it is going to be done. I've been through so much this year. Countless ER visits, hospital stays, tests, specialists, etc. I am looking at it in a different light now. This should be the easy part, the best part. My doctors will finally be able to rule out X, Y and Z and get a step closer to getting me a proper diagnosis and treatment. I have to keep that in my head instead of all the insecurities, doubts, worries and fears I have going on. I am scared out of my mind to do this. It's facing so many of my fears and dealing with a lot of my triggers. I won't be able to take my medicine, they will be trying to induce seizures by methods that I am not aware of. The list goes on and on. I guess you have to go through bad things to get to good things. The neurologist said he was 85% sure he could successfully treat whatever is causing the seizures and other various health issues that I have. I am going to need every ounce of strength and positivity that I can possibly muster to get myself through that week. January 9th is going to be a very very very trying day for me and I hope I can make it through. Gosh, this is one of the hardest things I think I am ever going to go through. I hope I get something positive out of it.
I had my appointment with my neurologist a couple of weeks ago. I was so nervous leading up to the appointment time, I didn't want to go. I was having major anxiety over it and nightmares. I was terrified! I didn't know what to expect and didn't know if he would want to run any new tests or anything of that nature. The appointment lasted maybe fifteen minutes. He reviewed my medical history and the last visit I had, which was in May. I was supposed to have been scheduled for a week long stay in the epilepsy unit but that didn't happen. I fell through the cracks as they say. Well anyway, he came in and addressed my seizure issue. I went from having multiple seizures on a daily basis varying from mild to severe. I was hospitalized on May 3, 2013 in ICU from the seizures and a severe drop in blood pressure. I saw him maybe a week afterwards and he said there were two major things that cause seizures in someone like me. Worst case scenario, I have epilepsy. Best case scenario, they are what is known in the medical community as "stress spells". He is leaning towards the latter. He prescribed me Elavil for my headaches. I am supposed to take half of a 10mg pill nightly. The first time I took it I took too much because I didn't read the label correctly and I took the entire 10mg instead of half. I was so drowsy and sleepy I could barely hold my eyes open. I took it at about 10pm and night and didn't wake up until 1pm the next day. The following day I took the medication correctly and still had a hard time waking up. I've been taking it for almost a week now and it is still making me entirely too sleepy. The doctor said it would take about two weeks for me to notice some relief from the migraines and then in two more weeks the headaches would lessen and then more over time. He said it wasn't a miracle drug and I shouldn't expect to get better over night. He said the headaches will probably never go away but it should lessen the severity of them over time. Also, while I was there he mentioned the week long stay. I called back and got scheduled for noon on January 9th. I will be in the hospital for a week and I am not sure what to expect. I am very worried, scared and nervous about the whole process. I know that this is something I have to do if I ever hope to get better but I am scared to death of being there for a week all alone. The hospital is almost four hours away so my boyfriend won't be able to come and visit and none of my family will either. I plan on taking lots of things with me to keep myself occupied and busy. I have learned to make these really pretty scarves and I now like to read so hopefully that will be enough to keep my mind off of where I am going to be and why. The neurologist said I would be "wired" up so they can monitor my brain activity for the duration of my stay and I will not be seeing him but some of his partners. I just hope everything goes well and that time goes by fast. If anyone else is taking Elavil could you tell me what I should expect while taking it? Thanks.
Here lately I am not sure what's been going on but I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind. I can go from being so sad and depressed that I literally cannot bring myself to get out of bed one moment to the next moment I'm happy and joyful. The mood swings are getting pretty bad and I seem to have no control over them. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped inside my own body and I am going to explode. I do not know how to contain that feeling so I have a craving to do something self destructive. Last week, I ended up cutting myself and heating a key with a lighter and burning myself with it. I want to hurt myself badly or destroy something but since I don't seem to have the ability to destroy something I just turn the chaos into pain. While I'm doing it I feel ecstatic like I'm in a state of euphoria. This doesn't last very long and soon after I am plagued with feelings of regret and shame. I do not know what to do. I don't know how a person can go from one extreme to another. The depression and hopelessness is crippling and all consuming. I can't feel joy, happiness or pleasure. All I feel is despair, rage and bitterness. I really wish I had a way of dealing with all this but so far I haven't found anything. It really bothers me because I don't want to live like this.
Not to mention I have a serious issue with apathy. No matter what comes or goes in my life I just have nothing but apathy for the future. I know there are things that I need to do to make my life better but when presented with the opportunity I just can't take advantage of it. I don't want to go talk to Angie because she just tells me what she thinks I need to hear and it's all that feel good junk they feed you. It works for a little while then I end up getting right back in the same mind set. I want to be happy and want to have goals and aspirations but for some reason I just can't get myself to care. Working at I&A for the rest of my life and living paycheck to paycheck is a choice I've made. I signed up for college courses and applied for a second job but I'm not excited about any of it. Once again, I'm completely apathetic to the whole situation. I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and I have no idea how to break it. I've overcome a lot to get to where I am now but I still have a long way to go but I can't seem to find any direction. I need some sort of life line or pathway to help me but I don't know what that is or where to find it.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching lately. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to care about myself and plan for a future. It's something that just never occurred to me before. I never wanted to do anything with my life and I still struggle with that on a daily basis. I lose interest in almost everything. I am jaded to the point I have a hard time caring about anything. I'm just apathetic to most things and there is no real reason for it. I almost find everything to be a waste of time. I'm scared of committing myself to anything because I know how I am. Johnnie says I have no reason to be like this and I know deep down that he's right but it's not something I know how to change. It worries me because I'm a realist and very practical yet I don't do the things that might assure me a more secure future. No more living paycheck to paycheck and being one paycheck away from being homeless all the time. For him, things are different he really has no choice. He has to play the hand he was dealt. It's a really fucked up situation. Everybody else that I know always has certain dreams, goals and aspirations and I'm just sitting here with my "I don't give a fuck attitude". I do not know why and it's really bothering me. I know if I had the drive or at least a hint of ambition there is no limit to what I would be able to accomplish but I just can't find the motivation that I need. It's been an issue my entire life.
Like for example, I just signed up for college classes to get an associates degree and I couldn't care less. I have no feelings toward it at all. I only did it because everyone told me I should and while I know it's an avenue I need to explore I just don't care. My anxiety has been getting a little worse here recently and I have no idea why. I started twitching again in my sleep and I'm currently sick with body aches, fever and nausea. I am just having a really difficult time right now. I am overwhelmed emotionally and I'm nearing my wits end. I want to cut so bad. I've been fighting the urge for weeks now. I love the feeling of a cool blade dragging across my skin leaving a red line behind. Nothing can recreate that feeling for me. I won't do it because the guilt and anxiety afterwards outweighs the euphoria I experience afterward. Plus, I don't want to disappoint Johnnie. I want to be normal and figure out what causes me to be so self-destructive. Ugh! :( I really hate feeling like this and being this way. I'm finally starting to recover from crippling anxiety and depression and am able to do things with my life but now that the time is here I have no feeling nor emotion towards any of it. I have no passion aside from fucking and the Dallas Cowboys.
I love Johnnie with all my heart and it has to bother him to see me like this and for seemingly no reason. I want to get to the root of all of my problems and figure out how to fix them. Not just put a band aid over it and go on; only to have it creep up on me later. I hate having these mental illnesses. It makes me feel crazy and defected like something is completely wrong with me. There are many days I sit around wishing I were dead or that I had died one of those times I was sick. I sometimes think Johnnie would be better off without me. I think he would be hurt if I was dead but he would move on and find someone else who wants a future and is working towards it. Some days I really wonder why he is still with me. I am of no benefit to him really. If anything I just make things worse for him. I drag him down into the abyss with me on most days. He has his own issues but he can't work on those because he's too busy worried about me and trying to help me. He is such a wonderful person and I really wish he would realize that. For all the shit he's been through he still cares enough to try and help me. He is able to love and give to someone else things he's never gotten himself. It takes a truly special person to do that.
Sure we've had our ups and downs and I've had my doubts from time to time if this was going to work out. All I know is I love him and want to try and do something with my life in order to help him pursue whatever dreams he has. I think that's the least I can do to repay him for giving me my life back and teaching me what love was when I didn't know. Those are things you cannot put a price on, so maybe that should be my motivation to go to school and do well enough to help take care of us. Hmmm...something to ponder, isn't it?
Well a lot of things have hapepned since I last blogged here. I figured I should share some of my experiences with you all and hopefully it may help someone. :) I've been taking 20mg of Celexa everyday since May 3, 2011. It has worked wonders for me. My life has changed dramatically and my mental health has improved greatly. I moved out of my parents home and and live with my boyfriend now. I'm still working and right now I have two major goals; start driving again and go back to college. My plan is to double major in criminal justice and social work. Everything hasn't been a rainbows and sunshine though. I've had a lot of set backs along the way. I ended up developing an undiagnosed seizure disorder earlier in the year in March. I just started having muscle twitches that turned into seizures. I was in an out of the ER and back and forth to various doctors. One night I kept on having multiple seizures and ended up in the ER and was transported to another hospital where I stayed in ICU for two days. My blood pressure dropped dramatically and no one seemed to know why I couldn't stay awake or what was causing the seizures. Three CT scans, and EEG and an MRI and still nothing. All results came back "normal". Well I ended up getting referred to a neurologist at the University of Virginia. He said he wasn't exactly sure what was causing my seizures but it was one of two things. Either I had developed epilepsy or it was what they used to call "stress spells" meaning the seizuers were caused by some kind of stressor either in my present life or something from my past. He suggested I stay in the epliepsy unit for one week to be monitored. Well thankfully, my seizures stopped. It just goes to show you how your mind works. I do not handle stress well and my body deicded to physically manifest that into seizures. I had fallen and hit my head on multiple occasions to the point I was having to wear a Hello Kitty bicycle helment to prevent me from injuring myself.
I became very depressed and suicidal over all of this. I was having multiple seizures a day and no one could tell me why. One day I woke up and they just stopped and luckily they haven't returned. Now, I'm dealing with migraines and headaches on a daily basis. I ran out of Celexa a little while back and couldn't get my doctor to write me a refill so I pretty much went insane. I was super emotional, crying all the time, having suicidal thoughts, getting really depressed, etc. Got back on the Celexa and so far things are going pretty well.
Sort of pressed for time so I will write more later.
Just when I thought things were getting better they have taken a turn for the worse. My feelings of inadequacy have ruined everything. I left home for just one day and I felt like I was finally in control of my life and I was happy. I went back the next day because of all the guilt and my fear of living my life. I paid a heavy price for that. I fractured the relationships with my mother, father and brother. Things haven't been the same since and I've been wanting to leave again but I just can't do it. I lost my boyfriend because he said he couldn't be with me and keep falling more in love with me as long as I stayed in that toxic environment and let them continue to destroy me. I told him by staying here I saw no way where the end result wasn't my death in one form or another. I lost my dignity, self respect and any hope I had of recovery. I've cried and cried until my eyes have swollen shut. I'm so unhappy yet I keep myself here with the very people who are doing this to me. I'm at my wits end and the end of my rope. I'm terrified and don't know what to do. Even with my medication this depression has me swallowed whole. Ugh! I just want the pain to stop and things to get better. I hope I can find the strength to keep on going.
I thought I should update you all on what's been going on with me lately. I went to the doctor on May 3, 2012 and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety disorder and dysthymic disorder which is a form of depression. She asked me how I felt about medication and I told her I was open to it. She said that was good and wanted to start me on something that was for both the anxiety and depression so she decided and SSRI would be good and prescribed 20mg of Celexa that I'm to take once a day. She also asked me if I thought talking to someone would help and I told her yes that I wanted to get better. She was supposed to schedule that but after talking to my family everything changed. While at the doctors office my parents were super supportive going as far as my father saying "Well I'm glad that you now have a name for how you've been feeling and now you can get the help you need. I'm happy for you." Then once I told them about the combination of medication and therapy everything changed. I went and got my prescription filled and tried to get my mother and father to listen to what I was telling them about how it could potentially effect me and what signs to look for. Upon hearing that my mother said "I think you're taking things a bit too far, theres nothing wrong with you". Then my father set in on me saying he didn't want me taking the medication that my brother is a drug addict and he doesn't need another one. So we went home and I took the day off from work because I was so frazzled and rattled from all of that. Later that day we had a discussion about everything and I had a terrible emotional break down because they all started picking on me and making fun of me. My Dad kept on saying "Oh shes so sad and depressed" and my Mom told me I was weak minded and my brother tossed a notebook at me and said "Here right down all your sad feelings so you won't be depressed anymore and you won't bring the rest of us down". So I decided that I wasn't going to take the medication but I did want the therapy. I told them of my decision and my mother said that if I took my problems "outside the family" to a stranger that I shouldn't even bother walking in the door. The only think the therapist would do was cause me to blame her for what's wrong with me and she knew more about me than anybody and if she couldn't help me then no one could. I decided to take the medication anyways just to see if it helped.
I didn't think I was going to make it through the first week. I was so nauseous that I couldn't eat anything aside from maybe five crackers and a bottle of ginger ale in a week. I lost 12 pounds in less than a week. Not to mention I couldn't sleep at night but would fall asleep at random times during the day to the point it was almost like having narcolepsy. I didn't think I was going to make it but I kept on taking it. I've not missed a dose since the first day I've started taking it. My appetite finally came back and I've went back to my semi-normal sleeping pattern. I go to bed around 3 or 4am and sleep til 8am. It's not much sleep but it's better than it was before I started taking the medication. In the meantime every single day I was putting up with more hurtful comments and just out and out mental abuse from my mother and father. My mother took a step further on Mother's Day. I went outside with her to sit on the porch and she started talking in cryptic terms like "Nobodys personality just changes overnight" and "I hate when people fake depression" etc. so I finally asked her who she was talking about and she said her sister and "some other people". Obviously she was talking about me but didn't have the courage to say it so I said "Who are you talking about?" and she said "Well, you. You were perfectly fine until you went to the doctor. Now you're all sad and mopey and you're not there for me anymore. You're not there for this family. You don't laugh and joke and sit up with me at night and watch movies like you used to. You don't talk to your father and he said he was tired of having to drag words out of you and he was just going to stop talking to you. Your older brother said you're wasting away and he's tired of it and you're not the sister her had anymore. I don't like this weak spineless person you are. I want the real you to come out not this person that I despise. Where is she?" I just started bawling my eyes out and said "I don't know where she is" and I was absolutely in terrible shape. I was sitting there crying, throwing up, hyperventilating, etc. when my father came outside to ask what was wrong. I was so far gone that I couldn't answer him. I finally was able to get out the following things "Mom", "Can't take it" and "Don't wanna live". He then asked my Mom what she said and then told her to leave me alone that it was Mother's Day for gods sake and she could have this conversation with me another time.
I was sitting there unable to function. They both went back in the house and left me out there for God knows how long. My dog was sitting there next to me and had he not been I was going to get up and run out into the road hoping a car would hit me. If that didn't happen I was going to jump off a bridge or I had decided to OD on my meds combining it with alcohol. She pushed me to the point of no return. I'm not sure if any of you are familiar with depersonalization but it happened to me. It was like I was outside my body and nothing was real. I really thought I was going to die and in that moment I wanted to. So finally my Dad comes back out there and starts asking me what's wrong and I finally say "Mom says I'm not there for her anymore and I am not me and she doesn't like me" and he said well that's true you're not being you. Then he went back in because he said he couldn't stand me crying and he sent my mother back out. She finally threatened me and said if I didn't stop crying and sit up and talk to her that she would have me committed and take me to the hospital and that set me off even worse. She finally kept talking to me and I cannot for the life of me recall what she said but I ended up standing up and she was hugging me and told me everything would be okay and not worry and that she needed me to help her make dinner. I finally stopped crying and decided that maybe she would change. So I went and made her dinner, baked her a cake and all that and we all celebrated mothers day. Everything was fine until Tuesday. I came home from work and she was acting a little funny. My Dad told me she was in a bad mood and for me not to talk to her so I took his advice. I was home for maybe an hour when she said "Oh by the way you have a choice to make. You're no better than anyone else. It's either your boyfriend or me. You either walk away from him totally or you lose me. It's that simple". I said "Why?" she said "Because I said so. It's the one thing I'm adamant about and it's your choice to make". So I said "I don't have to choose. You're my mother and always will be. If I have someone else come into my life they aren't there to replace you." and she said "Okay so I see you've made your choice" and she went to bed. I stayed up late talking to my brother and he said it was wrong for her to do that to me and I should have just told her that I chose her. I said that's ridiculous if she loves me she wouldn't make me make a choice like that. So I get to talking to him more and more and I pour my heart out to him telling him that I feel like I'm nothing. I'm not worthy of love or happiness and I've been wanting to kill myself for six months but haven't done it because of them. I've sacrificed my own happiness, wants and needs my entire life trying to keep them happy and for the first time in my life I'm taking care of myself and taking steps to be happy and they don't want it. I told him I was barely hanging on by a thread.
I begged him to keep that to himself and he kept saying I needed to tell them and I told him no that I couldn't. So my father came downstairs to find out what we were talking about and my brother immediately burst out in tears saying "She wants to kill herself" and by that point I lost it. I begged him not to say anything and he betrayed my trust. My Dad said "Well you've got your boyfriend you made your choice and now you have to live with it" I said "See i told you that's what he'd say, I told you they wouldn't believe me or understand" and then my Dad said "Well I can get you a gun and a bullet if you like" and my brother said "Wow, seriously that's all you have to say to her" and then he realized I was serious and had a long talk with me assuring me he would do whatever I needed in order for me to get better and not hurt myself. Then he told me I had to tell my mom and I said No I can't. I'm afraid of her and she's going to think I'm just doing this because of the ultimatum she gave me and I don't want that. He said "No she understands more than you think" and he got her to come talk to me and she was already filled with rage because she said I upset my Dad and brother and she wanted to kill me for it. She said she didn't see her daughter sitting there she saw someone who hurt the people she loves. She finally calmed down and I told her the same thing I told my Dad and brother and she immediately put me on a major guilt trip telling me how lucky I was to be alive that I'd lived a good life and had no reason to feel the way I do etc. etc. I broke down even worse and everybody finally went to bed after assuring me I would be fine. Then my mother came back and said "Oh by the way did you make that choice yet" and I said "If you're forcing me to choose then I pick you" and she said "So you're okay with walking away from him totally" and I said "If it costs me my mother he's not worth it" and she said "Good. If I don't see an improvement in you I'll know it was him" and left. I went to work the next day and had a total meltdown telling my boyfriend and friends that I was going to kill myself. They were contemplating calling the police and paramedics to come and get me or were willing to drive me somewhere to get me help. I refused both options but they stayed and talked to me for hours upon hours and I finally decided that I had other options that I didn't have to stay home that I could leave. I put a plan in motion to get out and followed through with it.
I packed up all my things and waited for them all to leave and got a friend to come and get me. I left a letter behind telling my family that if I didn't get out I wasn't going to make it and I'd rather leave temporarily to work on my problems rather than stay and end up killing myself. So my parents found me and caused a big scene and my Mom told me to make my choice right then and there. I had 24 hours and if I wasn't home they were done with me once and for all. I tried to get in the car with my Mom and she pushed me out saying I needed to get my clothes. I told her I'd have somebody drop them off and she fought with me and said no get them now. I went back inside to get them and when I came back out they were gone and I lost it. I had another breakdown. I ended up spending the night with a friend and then chickened out and went back home. Upon returning my Dad met me at the door and said "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! Get out of here. You're no longer welcome. This is not your home. You are not my daughter. You chose your little boyfriend and your buddies now go to them I don't want you here". THen my Mom proceeded to scream at me and told me to get out. So I did and was standing by the road waiting on my friend to come and get me. My dad chased me down and said "WHy did you leave" "Why did you do that to me" and started crying then said he was glad I was home. My Mom ripped into me like you wouldn't believe. My friend showed up and Mom threatened her so I made her leave. She wanted to call the cops and get Emergency Protective Orders for me against my parents and take me back to her house. Things calmed down and then my Mom set in on me again and had me absolutely broken down again and I was looking for pills or a gun to end it all. My Dad came home and consoled me and so far things have been okay. They are all being really nice to me especially my Mom but now I"m not allowed to have anything to do with my boyfriend or friends and they are telling me I have to quit my job. I'm not allowed to be home alone, I have no access to my bank account, credit cards, etc. she took my identification and won't let me have all my clothes or anything so I can't leave again. I'm terrified of staying here but equally terrified of leaving. I really don't know what to do as I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really need some advice on what I should do.
I thought I would tell you all about my experience with talking to the doctor and the aftermath of that. I really wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be when I went to the doctors office. I was pretty calm until the door opened and they called my name and instantly I just felt panic set in. The nurse walked me back to get my height, weight and vitals and asked me why I was there to see the doctor and I heard the word "anxiety" come out of my mouth. I thought to myself "Well no taking it back now". She asked me a few questions and then said "The doctor will be with you in just a minute". So I sat there and recited song lyrics to myself to keep me distracted lol! All of a sudden I heard a knock on the door and she came in and started getting me to talk about it. I was so nervous and jittery that I was stuttering and my mind kept on going blank but she was really patient and understanding. She started explaining everything to me and gave me some different options. She said "How do you feel about medication" and before I was dead set against it but after talking to you guys here at ASN I decided to try it so I told her I was open to it. She said okay I think you would probably do good with Celexa because it's an anti-depressant and helps with anxiety. She then went on to tell me that it wasn't a magic pill and I'd still get nervous and anxious and there would be surprise situations that would come up and all of that. I told her I said "I understand that I'll always have this. It took me a long time to get this way so it's going to take a long time to try and change it. I realize there's no magic pill that can undo that I just want something to help take the edge off so I can manage it better than what I have been." She said that was the best attitude to have and if I keep that mindset I'd be fine. She then asked if I wanted to talk to someone and I told her yes and she is going to set that up for me. I started the Celexa yesterday evening. She told me it might make me nauseous for the first couple weeks while my body gets used to it but if it becomes too much of a problem to let them know and they will just keep trying until they find something that works and that I can tolerate. Well my parents went with me and while we were there they were very supportive and were giving me exactly what I needed. Upon leaving my Dad said "Well I'm glad you're going to get the help that you need" and my Mom pretty much said the same thing.
We stopped to visit my brother and he was at work. He asked me what the doctor said and when I told him he literally started laughing in my face and making jokes. By the time we made it home my parents totally changed their tune. They said they didn't want me seeing a therapist because all they were going to do was play mind games with me and make me blame my parents for what's wrong with me. They didn't want me taking the medication because it wouldn't help and they didn't want a drug addict in their home. My Mom told me that I was just weak and no happy pill could fix that. She said if she couldn't fix me then no doctor could because she knew more than they did. She said I can't believe you would go to an outsider for help instead of me. My Dad told me I just needed to stop with the self pity and stop feeling sorry for myself Then my Mom & brother proceeded to make jokes about me being depressed and were making suicide jokes. I put up with that all day yesterday to the point that I cried myself to sleep and I've already cried multiple times today. I want to get better so badly but if it's going to cause me to have to go through this with them I'm not sure it's worth it. I have all the support I could ask for from my friends but the people I love dearly, my family, aren't there for me and it's killing me. How am I going to get through this? I almost wish I had never told them about any of this and that I could undo it. I'm starting to wonder if I've made a big mistake.