It was December 5th, 2012 and my fiance and I were headed out of town.  Not 15 minutes into it, I felt like I was going to be sick and had to pull over so he could drive.  It was an instant feeling that I assumed was just a bug or something that was going around.  For a few weeks I felt this way and immediately thought I was pregnant and that would explain the nerves and sickness, so finally talked to Peyton (my fiance) and we took a test - negative.  But then what was making me feel sick?!

December 26th - Doctor's office.  She says I am not depressed and that it is anxiety, but there are medications that can help...Lexapro, an anti-depressant that would take about 6 weeks to get into my system.  I have never taken a medication other than birth control and never wanted to, but this had to stop.  It seems to help, but I've had some life changes that are taking a toll still.

We've been trying to plan a destination wedding, ok fine...12/16/2013 lost my job after purchasing a new car, ok fine...2/4/2013 got a new job, ok fine...11/1/2013, getting on a plane to Mexico in 5 months, not fine (getting on a flying capsule with a bunch of other people scares the daylights out of me).  Less than a year ago I was in Vegas and had no anxiety!  What the hell is my brain doing to me?!

Today:  June 11, 2013 - Made my first therapy appointment EVER!  I have to say, I am excited at the thought of talking to someone who can help me get over this and be able to walk on that plane and get married with confidence.  I don't talk about it much with Peyton because I don't think he understands how debilitating it is.  If we go out to eat or see friends, I am in panic mode until I can get my hands on an alcoholic beverage.  It helps of course because it numbs, but that doesn't mean I enjoy that part.  I don't drink much, therefore, I don't go out much. 

I don't want to be on medication, Peyton doesn't want me on medication.  It's hard because I know it helps, but I refuse to let this FEELING control my life and be on medication forever.  If it's just a feeling, then I can change it, right? 

I'll let you know how therapy went...I'm even anxious about that!