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#depression

  • An open question to Christians (and other religious people)

    So. Taking what I understood from when I was younger, I basically felt like I wasn't supposed to feel any emotion at all unless it was good and any problems I had would be fixed if I prayed. (Yes, I'm an Atheist now) So my question is three-fold. Why do you continue to put your faith in a deity which has shown no sign of existing aside from what you are told to believe? Why do you follow a doctrine which teaches you that no matter how bad a person was in life, if they were religious they can still go to heaven (Example, lets say a woman doesn't like kids and murders 20 children, all she has to do is go and say 'I regret this' in a church and BANG, she can go to heaven regardless of anything she did in life) But a person who isn't religious at all will get cast down into 'hell' even if they did nothing but spend their life helping others? Last but not least, if you have been religious your entire life and you suffer from depression, have you ever considered the possibility that it could BE the religion contributing to your depression? Like I said, this is an open question, I'm open to hearing what you have to say, but if you get insulting, I'll just ignore whatever argument you have.
  • Anybody ever get tired of trying to reach out, so you just stop and hibernate instead?

    Lately my depression and anxiety has been a LOT worse... Ever since this summer started, and I started working full time and living with a couple roommates. My depression is so bad that all I want to do is hide in bed all day everyday... and if I didn't have this job, I probably would be doing that. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, irritable and just down... I see the doctor tomorrow, and will probably have to have my prozac dose upped. Anyway, Does anybody else get to that point where they just have tried talking to their friends and family about it so much, to get comfort and support (which they usually give), but you just end up stopping reaching out because your are afraid you annoy them, or you feel stupid, or you're just flat out too tired to try reaching out anymore? Because that's about where I'm at... I'm tired of talking about it and trying to explain what it's like... I just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world. Anybody else get this way? p.s. I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just to be clear. I just have no motivation, lack of energy, and want to hermit.
  • Can anyone read my diary entry and offer advice?

    Im new and rushed to write it and not sure if i did it right. Thank you.
    Karen.
  • Dealing With Narcissistic Parent

    I hate the thought of turning this into a cry for help, but I don’t know what else to do. I should mention that the title is a bit misleading; what I’m dealing with now is the result of a narcissistic parent; the parent in question is no longer a part of my life, not if I can help it. I grew up with a narcissistic parent, and without going into details, it resulted in me taking on the role as substitute spouse at an early age. As a result, I’ve become an enabler, caring more about others than myself. My opinion of myself is low, and I feel incapable of caring about my own life and how I’m worthy of doing things for myself. I’ve found myself doing a lot of things more for the attention than any personal satisfaction. I get motivation from others, but it only works briefly; in order for me to finish big projects, I almost need constant validation to keep the momentum going. Without it, it becomes all the more difficult to finish said projects. I’ve already recognized this as my parent’s narcissism coming out in me, and I desperately don’t want it to. I’ve tried things like positive affirmations and the like, but again, those only produce temporary results. Keeping up with those things and trying to care about myself is an overwhelming task for me, and I often find myself giving up early on. I’ve also recently been getting into this mood that I’d call ‘sabotage mode’; I am rendered incapable of working on any projects, and I have this burning desire to destroy all of my work and cut off all social ties. I’m not entirely certain if my lack of self-caring has something to do with it, but it’s a strong possibility. The worse part is that I feel broken, and I fear that I’m incapable of fixing myself. I so desperately don’t want to have to rely on constant validation and attention like my parent did, but I don’t even know how to start caring about myself. My therapist has recommended a couple books on dealing with these sort of issues, and I plan on getting them and trying to learn from them. But I fear it won’t be enough.
  • Does anyone see me?

    I am currently undergoing a real bad depression episode right now. A ton of pain and I am LOST.....I could use some chatter please to help me through it......
  • Gosh, I'm confused-

    Hello!! I'm new here- ^^ So, recently I've been having troubles with eating. I'll go from moments of eating normally, to eating nothing, to eating everything and because of that, all of my friends think I'l lying when I say I have bad eating habits. Due to them accusing me, others ALSO think I'm lying about my anxiety for attention and it's really frustrating. I suddenly feel really alone and I don't know what to do-
  • Has anyone tried to cope with their problems successfully without medication?

    Hello, I am new here and I currently take 2 medications to help with my anxiety and wanted to ask if anyone here has ever tried to deal with their disorder naturally? I am currently cutting my dose (per doctors orders) for one medication and would like to know what people do when they feel they need to cope in a healthy way.
  • Hey everyone. I'm new here, but if there is anyone who have time to read "my diary" and comment your thoughts, i would REALLY appreciate it.

    Hey everyone. I'm a new member to this site and i just wanna see if there is anyone with the same "problem" as me. This is my first time reaching out to people to talk about the "real" me and talk about my real feelings and thoughts. So, if there is just ONE who has the time to respond me, i would really really appreciate it. I'm not here to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything. I just want to know if there is anyone else who feel the same way as i do. Lets skip to the important part, the part that is sad but also true about life in general. I’ve always been a guy who says what I think, do as I want, even though I make sure I don’t step over the “line” and I’m taking care of things such as working and making money and everything else that is a part of being an “adult”. But a year or two ago I started to think about life and this stage in my life I felt I started to take control over things and see life in general so much more clear for the first time in my life! I’ve always been a guy who never knows what I want to do in life. Could never really sattle down and say to myself: “Okey, I wanna work with this when I get older”. Or “This makes me happy, so I should focus on this when I feel sad and maybe one day I will become REALLY fucking good at this”. I’ve been able to do that. I’ve always done the things my mom told me and done the things everyone else does (while I was a student and went to school, I did the things that was “cool” just because I felt a “must” that I needed to be like the other cool kids to be a part of this Society.) But now, after 2 years almost, I’ve come to the point where I can feel that I’ve grown up and become the man I will always be. This is a sad but true point of view in this world. People are as fake as they can be, a few are better at faking then others. But everyone who can live with their life and NEVER be sad or mad at the Society we today live in and goes to work 5 times a week to be able to buy a new car or something else that will “emblematize” their personality or to go on a trip to a different country to “relax” are a bunch of fucking stupid robots. Instead of realize that their life at “home” is a big fucking misery where they do the same thing day in and day out to get a imaginary amount of money on their bank account to go on a trip for a week or two to get the energy to go back home and do everything OVER AGAIN until next year when they get their “time off” (which usually is 2-3 weeks). Year after year people do this, without killing themselves or without doing anything about this? I don’t get it. Like I said earlier, I know for the first time in my life who I am for real. But still, I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to work with. I mean it’s the biggest choice in my life!! WHAT AM I GOING TO WORK AS/WITH?! And this question continues to go on repeat In my head. And I could probably find an answer, but I don’t want to… Because I mean, why do I wanna be a part of this working machine? Why would I wanna work my ass off my entire life to get a few “flashy” things that I can show off to people I don’t really like or care about? No matter what, people will work 80% of their time awake. Either to make sure that you can get the newest Ferrari before the next one comes, or to make sure you can take care and pay for your children. This is where I start to be so uninterested in people in general. I did forget to tell you that I don’t really like people. It’s not that I can’t be faking happiness and kindness, but I’ve lost all energy to be faking. I don’t have the strength to pretend anymore that life is a great thing and everything is perfect and the things that make people happy is a “perfect job”, a husband/wife, atleast one kid, a big fucking house that I won’t have time to take care of, but somehow I find away to get time to take care of that aswell (by stressing out and feel like shit), work as hard as I can so I can buy things so my “friends” will see that I’m such a great and perfect dude AND many other things that is so unreal and so insane to have as a “life goal”. At work I cry sometimes, because I’m so tired of this shit. I get panic attacks and feel so depressed that I sometimes would like to take my life away right here and right now. But today I realized why I feel this bad just at work, it’s because I’m surrounded by people that live in this “bubble” that I was just talking about. They are so brainwashed by the system and society so they can’t tell if they are faking their happiness to hide their real feelings or not anymore. But I can tell, I can see the misery the live in. I can just by sitting down over a cup of coffee with them to see how boring and depressing their life is. They always talk about how happy they are. How great their kids are, just because they got a new job with a higher salary. That their kids or someone close to them just bought a new big and beautiful house. Or something else that is even more uninteresting and pointless. I mean what’s the point with life nowadays? Is it to get as much money as you can before you die? Is those few weeks off from work worth the struggle and the misery? When the money goes to either pointless stuff such as flashy stuff to make others notice you or to just to stay alive (depending on how much IQ you was born with and how high your grades are, because everything depends on that when it comes to who gets the “best” job with the highest salary). This makes me so angry at the same time. Lucky me I’ve grown up and learned how to control my anger (which I couldn’t do when I was younger..). If it doesn’t make me angry, I get anxiety and depressed. The more I’m around people like this (in other words 99% of all people in this world) the more i realize how much life sucks. The more I realize I’m not meant to be in this world. I’m not like the others. I can’t close my eyes and live the life that everyone else can without noticing the things that I bring up in this post. The only time I can control my feelings and actually “enjoy” life, is when I’m with my friends or when I’m numb (mostly when I’m numb/high). I’ve had so many friends in my life, but I’ve stopped talking to them. I have broken the contact with most of them over the past two years. Just because I can’t be around them anymore, because they’ve become the same as everyone else. Which we people nowadays call “life”. I could talk about this for ever. I have so much on my mind when it comes to this, but I have to stop myself at sometimes so I won’t take the next step, which is killing myself. I’m not afraid of death anymore. I’ve stopped crying over my best friend that took an overdose a few weeks ago. Because now I can understand how he felt. Now I can understand what he meant when we talked about things like this. I’m sad because he’s not a part of my life anymore, but at the same time I feel a relief that he died in such a painless way. He can now close his eyes and never take another look at this shitty world. The only thing that stop me from killing myself is my mom, dad and sister. I’m not sure they can understand this. Not sure if they can feel the pain I feel. See and understand what I can see and understand. Not sure if they can see the world as it is and realize how worthless it is. I don’t think they will be able to think “death is not a bad thing. It’s the only way to real freedom”. Please, if there is anyone here who feel the same way as me, contact me and tell me your thoughts. BTW! Sorry for my English. I’m not that good at English.
  • How do I cope with having a suicidal friend?

    My closest friend suffers from intense depression, and is dangerously close to suicide. She has been committed to one of those urgent care hospitals for people in danger of suicide once before, was released, and has only worsened since then. I do my best to listen to her, talk openly about her feelings, let her know she's loved and appreciated, watch out for her physical well-being; I've done everything I can think and then some to be a supportive friend as much as I'm able, without going overboard and putting my own life and needs in jeopardy. My question for you all is, what are ways I can try to cope with knowing my best friend may die at any time? I suffer from anxiety, myself, and experience it mostly through feelings of guilt over even small things. I know that I'm in danger of feeling guilty or like it's my fault if she does take her life. I try not to panic when I think about the reality of the situation, but it's very hard to stay strong about this. Ultimately, I can't control what she does, and I'm trying to accept this and stay calm. When I was in high school, my mother passed away from breast cancer, and I've had 10+ years to accept that and grieve. I hope that this is able to help me, if the worst comes to pass. Thoughts?
  • How do I get the moderator to approve the groups I'm trying to make? I already tired to make 3

  • How to tackle pure obsessional OCD??

  • I feel detached, Spaced out, Extremely weird ALL THE TIME, and developing OCD?

    Hello, my name is Andrew. I am only 15 (almost about 16, birthday coming up) and I have been experiencing this... Mental issue, for some time. There are TWO types of problems I want to cover. This first erupted around June 2014. My family got some sort of stomach virus or got food poisoning except me and my mother, this REALLY put some fright into me. This caused a fear of mine to become more than just a normal fear. When my family got sick, I avoided them as much as possible. I secluded myself in my room to stay away from them and to make sure I did not get sick as the fear I was and still am experiencing is vomiting. I can't really explain why I fear or hate it. I just do. The thought of me vomiting was not really a big deal a long time ago, but now it is far more serious. The current thought of me vomiting triggers constant worry about what I eat, what I eat out of, what I drink, What I drink out of or from, what I touch, what breathe in, and or whatever I even put into my body. I cant stop worrying. This also triggers constant paranoia and sometimes anxiety. The anxiety was REALLY BAD at first. I seem to have developed OCD, for germs especially. I don't really care if my room or if the house looks or is a mess. Just things that could get me sick if not clean or clear such as a glass cup, if it is not clean or is spotty from water or soap residue I will clean it my self and probably waste a lot of hot water cleansing a cup that I am going to use for 30 seconds. I will NOT eat anything unless I check the expiration date first. If it is a day over or a day before expiration, I will NOT eat it. Anything that doesn't have a expiration date on it, I will mostly avoid eating or ingesting it. I have lost weight (around 20+ pounds or lbs) because of this. At first I was just never really hungry because I had no appetite and because I could get sick (Only a bit though), but now it's always because I always think that it could or can make me sick. This is only half my problem.

    Another problem I have is some weird feeling I get. I can't really put my finger on it. When I am at home or in public, I feel very detached, spaced out, or just... weird and strange. This is constant. I cant take it. This started a bit after the stomach issue and anxiety issue occurrence. I first wouldn't leave my room or even my bed. I was having full blown depression, on the verge of suicide. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Just lay there waiting to die. I am trying my best to get over this, I am doing better than I was when THIS started. The only thing stopping me is... well... some sort of mental block? I don't know, I seem to also worry about hanging out with friends, going outside, or doing any type of activity that requires leaving my house. There is so much I WANT to do. I want to get into a couple activities, but I keep worrying about getting sick or having anxiety attack right there on the spot. One part of me says "Go do it, you want to do it so just do it!", but the other part of me says "What if this? What if that? Maybe this will happen! You shouldn't do it if this or that!", and one very small part of me says "Don't even think about it, go and do it. Why do you think so much just GO! You will be fine". One thing I ask is. Will I be alright? Is this just a weird thing? (Cant really explain it better than "weird thing") I also feel like I am all alone on this now, I think that my family no longer supports me as I see I am getting punished for feeling like this. I get yelled at for feeling like this and or even defending myself on this matter. I don't want to explain this feeling as this is kinda eye watering for me to talk, type, or write about.

    Please help. I don't want to experience this anymore, I cannot take or deal with this anymore, how do I go about solving this or healing this??? What do I do? Help!

    EDIT: I also think Depersonalization and or "Brain Fog" has something to do with this...
  • i was diagnosed with depression about 6 to 7 months ago , and i was felling also too much anxiety now it appears to became even worst , anyone have those two or one can induce the other?

  • New to the site, please help!

    I am going to the doctor today and I have never had so much anxiety in my life, which triggered a depression. This has been going on for a week. I had back problems that caused me not to sleep and one night I just was fearing to sleep. Now I have thoughts of death, just thinking I have some kind of deadly illness. I also have bad thoughts (like I won't be normal, something bad is going to happen to me, or something terrible has already happened to me.) I think thoughts such as I will be hurt in the future and I think things like I was sexually abused as a child but I talk about it. And nothing comes to mind. When I have my "lucid" moments Everything I have thought when I was anxious seem so insane for me to go there. Am I the only one who has these thoughts? I don't if it comes from my fear of being sexually abused since I know many women who have dealt who rape or being abused as a child and I always feel like it will happen or it already has. Is this common? Or have I truly repressed a memory and this is why I think this. I don't always think this, its usually when I feel anxious. Whenever I have felt anxious I think about death or something abusive has happened to me or will happen. I think of having fatal illness. I feel numb lately as well. When It get bass I feel like am I really here. And I always think of the deeper mean of the world. Please help anyone.I have always been a strong person and never have I dealt with depression or serve anxiety before. It just happened this week and I am so afraid. I am feel afraid of everything. I am afraid now to have kids, or the future, or everything. I am literally living day by day. I need help. Please help.
  • Not so much a question as it is a.. opinion/discussion I guess?

    Does Religion hinder rather than help mental wellness? So. A long time ago when I tried going down the religious route of seeing what could help my depression or anxiety, all I ever got from the people I asked about it was long rambles about how I'm being punished for not praying enough, or I deserve what has happened to be because I had done something that "god" didn't like and I was being punished. Needless to say, all I ever found from religion was people trying to make me focus on doing more for them, praying, "devoting myself to god" (whatever the fuck that means). Whereas when I finally got sick of the constant insults to my intelligence and degredation talking about how I'm "not clean enough" or "deserve to be punished for not obeying him", I turned to the logical step, science. Through science and actual counsellors with degrees and stuff, along with help from medication, I have found myself improving much more than I have been before, I'm much more stable in recent time than I have been in the past, so to reiterate my question... "Does religion harm your mental health rather than helping it" My reasons are as such: Religion teaches you that you are: - Flawed - Broken - Imperfect unless you do what they say - Need 'saving' - Will be punished unless you do what they say - There is no reason for what happens to you other than you deserve the bad stuff Science teaches you that you are: - As a human, as good as you can be - Even if you have mental health issues, you aren't broken or worthless - Mental illness can be overcome by focusing on yourself and taking time to heal - Medicine can be used as a helping measure, because your bodies natural chemistry has changed - Science will also give you reasons why your body is doing what it is and why you feel how you do
  • QUESTION TO EVERYBODY. Cheating IS Cheating is it not?

    Somebody I know thinks that cheating is only "real" cheating if you sleep with someone or touch them sexually. This is a question to EVERYBODY, what do you think cheating is? Is she right to say that cheating is only if they fuck them. Or is it like what she did where she was busy loving someone else for 3 months while I wasn't looking?
  • So... what is the point?

    So lately I've been wondering what is the point in me continuing? I generally try to be a good person, I try to treat everybody as equally as I can unless they prove that they don't deserve it. But lately I've had some things happen (including a pretty bad breakup where I was basically cheated on) that have left me doubting whether or not there is even a point for me to continue being nice to other people, especially given how the people I try my hardest with are usually the ones who let me down the most. So sometimes I wonder if I should just start being like one of those people who only thinks of themselves "There's a part of me that's desperate for changes. Tired of being treated like a pawn. But there's a part of me that stares back From inside the mirror Part of me that's scared I might be wrong... That I can't be strong..."
  • Well. Looks like I'm back to square one.

    Well let's see... I've been single again for almost a year. And it's weighing really heavily on me... One of the things that weighs on me the most is how shitty people seem to, for some reason, always come out ahead of good and honest people who at least try to do things right... Idk really, all my relationships have ended with my S/O's cheating on me, meaning that while I'm left to suffer through the breakup, they're already in someone elses bed 5 minutes later... so idk anymore. I feel like I've lost the ability to love people anymore, I can't even communicate to my family that I love them without it feeling forced and fake
  • Where do i go from here? (after suicide attempt)

    So I probably shouldn't say this online, but I've got no where else to turn? Trigger warning, I'm about to go into detail of a suicide attempt. You have been warned. I tried to kill myself three times in two days. First time I swallowed a bunch of pills. half a bottle of expired Ibuprofen tablets, some children's pain meds that were expired but still worked, and a bunch of un opened single pill tablets with no labels. All things you wouldn't miss if you looked through the cabinet. I woke up the next day not feeling even remotely sick, went out to the railroad tracks with the intent to jump in front of the train, but ended up getting too scared of the loud sounds it made and froze in place both times the train passed, gave up, went home, drank some iced tea, and started cleaning the house out of guilt before throwing up everywhere (I hadn't eaten anything, it was hot out and the rails are a ways away, so it might've just been from drinking something cold after that). That night I took an entire, new, unopened bottle, of Ibuprofen, and an extra eight tablets from an already open bottle. I then took a swig of Pepto-Bismol in hopes that I wouldn't throw up if I took it, and then took a swig of Nyquil in hopes that it would make me fall asleep. Neither of these things worked. I was up all night, and threw up the entire next day. It was mostly bile from my abused liver, but either way it didn't work. My little cousins came over to hang out because it WAS MY MY COUSIN'S BIRTHDAY. I was so guilty that I almost made her birthday my death day. I felt like such a bad family member, because I am. I'm a bad role model, and a bad person. The whole time they were there, the younger ones just compared me to a vampire because their mother keeps calling me that when i'm not around. (Because I never leave the house, I sleep during the day and am awake all night) My aunt is trying to be nice, but I know she thinks i'm just a lazy piece of garbage. Only the younger children could tell I was acting strange that day. one of them even said I looked depressed. I felt bad for making them worried, and made excuses to go outside while they had cake. I went to sleep that night but couldn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole last night, and when I woke up, I went to turn in yet another application for work. This time I went to a really cute doggy daycare. Their application asked for a lot of professional references, which I didn't have, but I wrote a compelling argument, and made a good first impression by holding the doors open for some employees and some really sweet elderly people with the cutest dogs. I sang a really happy song on the way back. I collected feathers and flowers on the side of the road, which I would normally feel stupid doing. I felt so... different. I felt like I wasn't myself. I felt happy. Tomorrow is mother's day. I don't want to make my mom sad on mother's day. We're supposed to go to my aunt's house on her side of the family but they're the most judgmental side of the family. I'm feeling relatively okay right now, but if I go over there and they ask me snidely why I don't have a job still... I know i'll relapse. Do I want to relapse? Does it count as relapsing even after such a short time from the last try? I don't even know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know why things feel so bright right now... It's weird. I have no idea what I should do, but i'm going to try to bake cookies or brownies for tomorrow. any advice would be helpful. And please don't be too judgmental, I don't know if I can take it.
  • Why do i even exist

    Alright, I've got another long whiney post. These problems probably all sound easily fixable, and maybe not even that big a deal, but I can't tell anyone in my life how I feel or what's going on because they don't believe in mental disorders or anything like that, so i'm dumping my train of thought here. You probably shouldn't read this trash anyway, it's stupid and probably hurtful to people who have it worse than me. Anyway, I'm just gonna go for it. My mom called me into the room to tell me I should be actively looking for a job, which I am btw, and that she just wanted what's best for me. I understand this, truly I do, I feel useless and stupid because of my lack of a job. But then she started bringing up some... stuff. She said that she and my dad had kids young so that they'd have their lives to themselves once their kids grew up and left. But my dad told me something completely different a while ago that stuck with me. He said they were having sex because there was nothing better to do in the trailer they lived in, and they didn't have condoms so they said : "oh well, whatever happens, happens" and then had unprotected sex at age 17-18 , creating my brother and then me. There was no planning. My father even told me more than once that he had us out of like some stupid obligation? He said he had kids because reproducing was a human's only purpose. It was all very methodical, and cold, not at all how my mother claims it to be, which just left a sour taste on my tongue, but I said nothing. The second thing my mother said was: "what would you even eat if it weren't for us?" which is something I have been struggling with for years now. Eating I mean. I don't eat most meals because I don't feel like I deserve it, and i'd just been getting better about it when she brought that up, which caused me to spiral. I have been skipping, or eating very little because she brought up that I leave my room to eat and nothing else, which isn't true, but it solidified my fear of leaving my room at all, which I had been getting better with lately as well, and also caused me to feel more guilt for even thinking of eating. I really should stop that nasty habit, shouldn't I? She said that she wanted me to be able to afford my own stuff, my own place, and I do too, but then again I thought I would have killed myself by now so, had been planning it really, so i didn't expect to get this far, and now i'm kinda lost. She said that they had to beg me to do chores or clean up the house, which isn't true. literally if they ask, I do it, and I clean things without being asked all the time. I organize things, and try to keep them tidy but they always end up destroyed and strewn about wherever my parents happen to leave them, because they don't care about other people's work or feelings. My parents even get annoyed when I do this? My dad rolls his eyes in a not fond way, and my mom claims I have ocd for wanting literally anything to be organized? Like I cleaned out the medicine cabinet because there were like these decorative flat glass fish bowl rocks spilling from a bag inside for literal months, things that didn't belong inside and empty boxes, everything was shoved inside and falling out if you open the pantry and they act as though i'm a freak for doing something about it. My mom is the one who fills the counter with empty beercans, the sink with full plates of half eaten food, tosses her crusty dirty socks on the ground wherever she sits, and waits for someone else to clean it all up. Our yard is filled with garbage and junk, and when I offer to help put it away she says no. same with most other messes. Oh well guess i'm just the worst person in the world. Then she said something that truly broke me? It should have been the least impactful thing, but it wasn't. It burned, because I couldn't say anything, and it was just so eye opening how little they paid attention or even knew me as a person outside of who they assumed, or made me out to be. (they consistently tell people how i'm doing, why I do things, or what I'm thinking without my actual opinion or feelings anyway so this really should have been no surprise) It should have been the least impactful thing she said, but it wasn't. She told me I was happy. She said I was happy. Said it right to my face like it was the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She said it wasn't fair to them that I was happy, because they had jobs and I don't. And I get that. I get it, I really do. But I haven't been happy for years. I've been suicidal for years. haven't had close relationships, platonic or otherwise, for years. I haven't wanted or desired or wished for anything but death for years. I get the context clues okay? my parents had me young. They ignored me and my brother as children in favor of drinking, smoking weed, and playing video games. Heck, they wanted nothing to do with me until they learned I could draw, and even then, they only wanted to see my art, and use me to show off to my family members, not talk to me or anything. And this whole time, I never realized. Why was I unhappy? It's because I didn't deserve to be happy of course! It wasn't fair to my parents! I understand completely now! It's not fair to them that they were forced to live with, raise, or even look at me! I did this to them, and god I really am horrible for that aren't I? I mean I can't even get a callback! Can't even support myself. Can't do anything right. Could never do anything right no matter how hard I try.

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