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I have ADHD, I'm 30 years old, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm always jealous of people around me because it looks like they have everything figured out, what to do, when to do it, etc... I feel guilty, like I'm a burden to anyone with the misfortune to come in contact with me, but I smile, I always smile. I don't want people to worry over me, or to cause anyone pain or trouble. I will often say yes to any task, regardless if I can do it or not, just saying to myself "I like a challenge." And when I'm in the thick of it, I'm worried that I will be seen for what I am, fake. I'm generally a good speaker, even in front of strangers sometimes, though only when it's not about me as a person, I'd rather talk about antimicrobial 3D printed teeth than tell someone what I've done with my life or where I came from. Anything as long as there's no focus on me. I don't feel like I deserve accolades, and everything I do should be of benefit to someone else. I don't like using "I", "myself" or "me" in paragraphs, it feels wrong to do so. I have some good days but mostly I go through the day thinking "Just a few more hours" or "Just have to make it through today" and I feel incredibly tense when the day is ending because there's tomorrow still coming up. I have an almost constant feeling of pressure in my head and when someone asks me anything that I think everyone else knows besides me, my heart stops and I feel cold. After that I will continue to think of what it is that I've should have know, so much that I get dizzy and light headed. I've had intense feelings of vertigo some mornings, but I can't bring myself to tell anyone. I don't like blaming others, I've come to hate myself when I think something is someone else's fault, how dare I push my mistake or problems onto others. Surely I could have done something differently or said something to prevent it. I live in a state of emotional debt, like I have to repay every single happy moment I ever had. My problems are small and can't be compared to real problems people have.I keep telling myself my problems aren't real and I'm the one that constructs these abstract barriers for myself and I can just get over it if I wanted to. I so desperately want to break free from my incorporeal shackles, I really do. So Why can't I? Why won't my own mind allow me to just move on from something I so clearly know is my own doing? I like to think I'm a good person, but I don't feel like I am. Sorry again, and sorry for venting like this. Writing this made me feel very uncomfortable, I don't want to be selfish and this makes me sound extremely selfish, sorry for that. Thank you for taking the time to read some rant from some random stranger online.
Category: ADHD 5 months ago
Xheotris
Asked 5 months ago

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