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Where do i go from here? (after suicide attempt)

So I probably shouldn't say this online, but I've got no where else to turn? Trigger warning, I'm about to go into detail of a suicide attempt. You have been warned. I tried to kill myself three times in two days. First time I swallowed a bunch of pills. half a bottle of expired Ibuprofen tablets, some children's pain meds that were expired but still worked, and a bunch of un opened single pill tablets with no labels. All things you wouldn't miss if you looked through the cabinet. I woke up the next day not feeling even remotely sick, went out to the railroad tracks with the intent to jump in front of the train, but ended up getting too scared of the loud sounds it made and froze in place both times the train passed, gave up, went home, drank some iced tea, and started cleaning the house out of guilt before throwing up everywhere (I hadn't eaten anything, it was hot out and the rails are a ways away, so it might've just been from drinking something cold after that). That night I took an entire, new, unopened bottle, of Ibuprofen, and an extra eight tablets from an already open bottle. I then took a swig of Pepto-Bismol in hopes that I wouldn't throw up if I took it, and then took a swig of Nyquil in hopes that it would make me fall asleep. Neither of these things worked. I was up all night, and threw up the entire next day. It was mostly bile from my abused liver, but either way it didn't work. My little cousins came over to hang out because it WAS MY MY COUSIN'S BIRTHDAY. I was so guilty that I almost made her birthday my death day. I felt like such a bad family member, because I am. I'm a bad role model, and a bad person. The whole time they were there, the younger ones just compared me to a vampire because their mother keeps calling me that when i'm not around. (Because I never leave the house, I sleep during the day and am awake all night) My aunt is trying to be nice, but I know she thinks i'm just a lazy piece of garbage. Only the younger children could tell I was acting strange that day. one of them even said I looked depressed. I felt bad for making them worried, and made excuses to go outside while they had cake. I went to sleep that night but couldn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole last night, and when I woke up, I went to turn in yet another application for work. This time I went to a really cute doggy daycare. Their application asked for a lot of professional references, which I didn't have, but I wrote a compelling argument, and made a good first impression by holding the doors open for some employees and some really sweet elderly people with the cutest dogs. I sang a really happy song on the way back. I collected feathers and flowers on the side of the road, which I would normally feel stupid doing. I felt so... different. I felt like I wasn't myself. I felt happy. Tomorrow is mother's day. I don't want to make my mom sad on mother's day. We're supposed to go to my aunt's house on her side of the family but they're the most judgmental side of the family. I'm feeling relatively okay right now, but if I go over there and they ask me snidely why I don't have a job still... I know i'll relapse. Do I want to relapse? Does it count as relapsing even after such a short time from the last try? I don't even know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know why things feel so bright right now... It's weird. I have no idea what I should do, but i'm going to try to bake cookies or brownies for tomorrow. any advice would be helpful. And please don't be too judgmental, I don't know if I can take it.
Category: Depression 4 years ago
Asked 4 years ago

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I don't know you or anything about you. But one thing i do know, from experience, is that the way you are feeling or have felt can go away. I've been to the darkest recesses of my mind and i've come out of it. Just know that YOU matter, and you will be ok!
Answered 4 years ago

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