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I spend my day at work searching for answers and remedies to depression on the internet. There’s a girl on my Facebook who makes bracelets out of these “energized” stones. She hand makes them and “blesses them” with whatever healing powers are necessary for your particular ailment shipping out to you. It makes me roll my eyes. But now I’m thinking about buying one. I need help. I’m reading fucking horoscopes. Looking for answers. Looking for help. SOMETHING. I’m on medication. It’s not enough. I’m only a daily dose and I also have loreazpem or Xanax. I take too much of that. It barely works anymore. I keep taking more and more to make myself stop crying and thinking and just go to sleep. I don’t want to be awake anymore thinking about how much I suck and how immobilized I am. I read about taking baby steps – particularly when getting out of bed. Like getting out of bed is too much, focus on putting one toe on the floor, congratulate yourself, and put the other toe on the floor and congratulate yourself again. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. This only depresses me more knowing that this where my life has come too. Put toes on the floor one by one. Seriously someone just shoot me. I know I’m supposed to work out. Who wants to work out when they’re depressed. Who wants to eat right when their depressed. I’m seeing a therapist. All we talk about is this man in my life. I met him three months ago. I fell hard and fast. I’m not even divorced yet. I’m blown away, just completely utterly and blown away by how he is not tripping and falling all over himself to be with me and completely in love with me and wants to do anything for me. I’m trying to keep my feelings from him so I don’t look crazy. I’m trying to be patient. I know he has strong feelings for me. He says he does. But I don’t feel it. I react so severely to everything he does or doesn’t do. I pick apart his text messages. I’M PRETTY SURE HE IS NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM. I’m just so depressed and lost all sense of self worth and he is ALL I HAVE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. So when I feel rejected by him (when really I’m not rejected, I’m just having a severe reaction to a normal life situation), I completely fall apart. I wasn’t planning on dating YET. I’ve cried more over him in the last three months than I have over the last ten years of my marriage. DON’T ANYONE tell me to break it off with him and give myself some space. I don’t want to. I like him so much. I can’t let him go. Not now. Not yet. He'll push me away first. Who could date someone like this. Even if I did let him go. Is this how the rest of dating is going to be. Because I’m not gonna be okay with that either. I've dealt with normal, mild depression and anxiety all my life. This is severe. I hope temporary. But I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to get better.