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Going to start writing here

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I just need an outlet and I don't have anyone to really talk to right now, so I thought I would just go ahead and write on here. Lately, I've been feeling incredibly hopeless, a deeper kind of despair than I've felt before. I don't really know what to do. I keep going to see my psychiatrist and I keep taking my medication, without the results I had hoped for. I tried a support group and didn't like it and I continue to isolate people and recede from society. I recently deleted facebook because it's just too frustrating and depressing. I reconnected over text with an old friend who has more issues than I do, and he is a good support for me. I like feeling like I have someone who understands. Boyfriend continues to not understand or give me what I need. It makes me question how good the relationship is for either of us. Feeling so vulnerable and inadequate wears me out. I feel like it's just a matter of time before he gets tired of me and leaves. I'm so scared of being abandoned. I'm too scared to form relationships with other people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't smoked pot in two weeks, but I've been drinking a lot more. I worry about what this will do to me long-term, and I worry about losing my looks and having a weak stomach eventually. It's so hard to not do it; it provides comfort and calms my nerves. I was off of work today and I couldn't imagine being awake all day without distractions and being sober. I want to find a new job so I can start smoking again. That was one thing that helped tremendously. The ADHD medication helps a lot, temporarily. I feel like that anti-depressants don't work but Boyfriend tells me they do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was recently (re)diagnosed with OCD. It manifests itself in one of the grossest habits I can think of and I feel terribly ashamed, but I don't have much desire to stop. Even though this is anonymous, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I've only ever talked about it to my psychiatrist. I also learned the things I think about obsessively aren't too uncommon and most fall under the blanket of "contamination". I guess my former obsession with germs spiraled into this fear of food contamination, GMO foods, nuclear waste, radioactive waste, oil spills, fracking, and pandemic situations. I'm also obsessed with poverty, overpopulation, the economy collapsing, the water supply and being raped. It's difficult to not think about these things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel like such a failure and I worry about where I'll end up. I worry I'll be too mentally ill to function in society one day and I've come to accept that things will always be like this. I have dealt with chronic depression for most of my life, but for a long time I was hopeful. I tried to make things better and I'm still here in this same boat. Feeling so hopeless makes me just want to throw in the towel. I think about killing myself almost every day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wrote a couple of letters to my father and I'm going to post them in a separate post. I want to try to find him to give him these letters and any others I write. I have so much to say to him.

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