I'm currently fighting my way though a panic attack. I took one of my mood stabilizing pills about a half hour ago, and I'm still waiting for it to fully take effect. I'm trying to think of what is making me anxious, and then analyzing why it's making me feel this way. I figured writing it all down may help.
I think about a friend I had, who was flirting with me a while back. I told him to stop because I have a boyfriend and I was no longer comfortable about it. I felt bad for hurting his feelings, but he understood and is now giving me some space. When I am not in a panic attack, I can think about this and not worry. My pulse does not rise, and I don't feel anxious. When I'm in my panic attack, I feel like I'm going to vomit and cry. I feel like an awful person, though I have no reason to feel that way. I have forgiven myself when I am in a normal state of mind, and it is hard to maintain that when I am in a panicked state, like now.
I think about my boyfriend. I think about how he deserves better than me, because I will sometimes think about breaking up with him during my panic attacks. In my normal state of mind, everything is going great with us, and we're planning on moving in together hopefully by the end of this year. I love him, and he is an amazing person. When I'm in panic mode, I get sick to my stomach thinking about moving in with him, or just spending the rest of my life with ANYONE in general. I feel like a terrible person for thinking that I should break up with him, because I know, even in my panicked state, I don't ACTUALLY want to break up with him, and that it's the anxiety taking over my emotions and playing off my fears, no matter how little they are. When I talk to my boyfriend, it takes all of 30 seconds for the anxiety and uncertainty to go away, and I feel reassured that this is how things are supposed to be with him, even though my hands are still shaking and my heart is racing. These thoughts are still unsettling though, and it takes a great effort for me to not focus on the moment where I thought my only option was to end one of the best things in my life.
I'm very lucky, I suppose, to have an analytical mind. It helps me not act upon my feelings during a panic attack, and it helps me stay grounded throughout the day. It helps me sort through my tangled thoughts and come to the core reason for my anxiety and panic: nothing. I have nothing to feel anxious about. My relationship is great. Is it perfect? Absolutely not, but it's something that I definitely don't want to end.
It also has a downside. I'm so used to having control over my emotions and knowing the cause of it, that when there is no emotional cause that I can control, I become terrified. These panic attacks I'm experiencing are completely chemical and have no emotional cause, and this is very hard for me to come to terms with. I WANT to pin it on something that I have control over so I can make the anxiety stop, so I try pinning it on things like my relationship, but in doing that I am lying to myself and causing myself more anxiety. Again, when I get down to the core of it, there is nothing there. I have a fantastic life, and I have no reason to feel the anxiety that I do. That thought makes me both happy and depressed: happy because I have no reason to feel this way, but depressed because, despite my life, I DO feel this way.
Ultimately, this ends on a positive note. I am able to sleep without any trouble, and the majority of the day, I am happy. I try to maintain a positive attitude and focus on happy things, but because of the nature of my panic attacks, there is no predicting them. Hopefully by writing down my thoughts, it will make it easier for me to work through them, even if I can't control them completely. I'm not always hopeful during my panic attacks, but at this moment I do feel like I can overcome this. I do not know if it is because of the medicine or the writing, but either way, this is a good feeling to have.