I am 15, my name is Amy. I have depression, I know that, but I think I have social anxiety too.
I contemplate suicide at least 4/5 times a day, but I won't do anything about it.
I don't even know what to write, I just want it to end, but at the same time I don't want my depression to leave me. It's the only thing there for me really.
I self harm, not properly cutting, sometimes not even breaking the skin, but it's what makes me feel again.
For some reason I feel like my body and I are seperate things. I hate my body, it's not who I am, what I want, what I need, it's like I am stuck in it.
So even when I hurt it, cut it, bruise it, starve it, it can't leave me. It can never leave me. And that's really comforting.
When I am around lots of people, I can just retreat back into my body, let it deal with people, but the real me never has to be shown at all.
I guess I am just really lonely most of the time. I have no real friends, my family know nothing about me really. All I need is a proper hug, from someone who actually wants to hug me.
But I am scared of hugs. I'm scared of any physical contact.
I just need a hug.