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Too young to suffer

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This is my first entry, so I suppose I'll do a bit of an introduction, as well as a summary of my current state of anxiety. The reason my title is too young to suffer is because I am 22 years old and I have so much anxiety in my life, I can't get over it. It was first noted by doctors when I was 3 that I had OCD tendencies so I guess I was born this way. I've had very differing levels of anxiety and panic throughout my life. Middle school was awful (but then again, when isn't middle school awful!?). High school was great. My first year of college was a bit of a bump-but only because my roommate told everyone I was crazy and had panic disorder (this quickly blew over when everyone realized she was the crazy one...). I succeeded amazingly in college, even with a job and an internship. I have never had any problem meeting and maintaining friendships, I've been in one long-term romantic relationships, and a lot of dates since then. So I often say...if this life were given to anyone else (without all this anxiety, panic, OCD thought pattern...) they would be monumentally happy. And don't get me wrong-I have been very happy, but it's times like now when I wonder how I could be happy without a happy pill. 

 

My doctor recently cut off my panic medication, and I readily agreed to it. I was beaming from college graduation and ready to greet the world with open arms. I hadn't had a panic attack in years and figured I was ready to go off of it-I just had gone through major life changes, 2 surgeries, been diagnosed with chronic migraine...yea I could do this. The withrawal was interesting, but nothing I couldn't handle. I did fine, no panic, low anxiety. That is, until I started my new job. My chest has not loosened since I started my new job. The lump in my throat has not disappeared. My chronic migraine is pretty bad since I started my new job. Part of the reason things are rough is because I'm living with my parents and my mentally challenged brother. I love my family, but they don't totally have healthy ways of living (I mean mentally-the house is a mess, they procrastinate, don't communicate well). And this has increased my anxiety like you wouldn't believe. I'm still dirt poor so there's no way I can move out anytime soon. I'm paranoid about work-about messing up, making a mistake and getting fired. I know somewhere there is the person (the real me!) who is confident, vibrant, pain-free, worry-free, and ready to give to the world, but I cannot get through this wall. Even relaxation techniques are a bust. Also, note that I am on a high level of anti-depressant for the OCD, and this is the only one that doesn't cause me to have seizures. Yes...I am only 22, tell me about it!

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