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not myself.

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theres hope for everything theres hope for everything

      feeling rather beside myself for today, not really happy with myself either even though i didn't do anything wrong. i really don't like that feeling when i can look into the mirror and feel as if who i see is not me, it feels like im a stranger in another persons body and without a doubt it's true. i tend to go into full panic attacks over this sometimes. if not a panic attack i'll get depressed or lose sleep. i do wish i was in a different life or at least something, i don't know. another thing that is bothersome is when someone say's "go with jesus he is the answer to all", i understand why he is saying it and believe it myself yet it seems like theres something more to it. i accepted the belief in jesus when i was little and fallowed as best i can so i know i already got him but the whole is still there. believers would say im just falling out of faith and losing my faith, well they may be right for all i know but i still believe. if he is one with me and i still feel this worry and lonlyness then why?. maybe there is a reason for it, he probably is leaving it like that for some reason. just because i don't understand something doesn't make it untrue. i guess i'll find out some day, i only worry that by that time it wont matter.

      i don't like being a man..... ever sense i'v been dragging my past back up to resolve some things i changed. when i first felt it i thought it was my innocens coming back to me. ever sense then i can't let it go because it feels like a gift from God or something. am i blessed or cursed? i sholdn't be cursed because of what happened to me in my past. i know it made me weaker but come on if i am never to get a break both emotionaly and spiritualy then whats the point. what am i supose to do huh? because i don't know and if i winde up making a mistake that might be really bad then why should i be punished more. why is the popular belief is punishment, wrath, and hate? can anyone tell me? are we being lied to by others? because the God i believe in doesn't lie, doesn't hate, isn't wrathful, and justly punishes, he doesn't tourter them in hell. why do so many believe in so much pain, pain that i carry with me in this life. that is why i don't wish hell or damnation on anyone, enemy or not. if i chose to be honest about how i feel life will change but weather or not if it will get better is unknown to me and anyone else. i could just screw it all up again in ways i can only imagine and even then i can't see. wish this was over but it's not and i can't end it so ya. looks like im gonna have to wait a bit longer or make a choice. either way it isn't easy.

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