7 November 2014
Struggling mentally and physically right now. Health wise everything is poor, losing a lot of blood, getting dizzy, a lot of pain and barely sleeping. And i'm struggling with how I look. It absoloutely sucks being surrounded by all of these girls who can eat everything and do everything because they're perfect. They don't have to worry about internal bleeding, getting knocked, counting calories or what they put in their mouths. I just want to wake up, and wear what ever I feel like wearing because everything fits and everything looks good. But instead, my body is bloated one day and makes me appear to be the size bigger and too big for my clothes, and then the next day when i'm no longer bloated i'm too small for my clothes. I feel powerless to the Jenny Craig that lives inside my head. And I am trying so hard, you have no idea how hard I am trying. But trying to get fit and healthy is so hard to do when you keep passing out and in immense pain.
I don't know what's going on inside my head but i'm finding it so hard to talk to people, I just feel myself burn up and I get a real clouded feeling in my head and it feels like i'm going to pass out, I just end up twirling my thumbs and avoiding eye contact and I just get so over whelmed I need air and it even happens when i'm making a cup of tea. I was in safeway the other day with mum and it started happening and I didn't know what to do. I just feel like such a waste.
I was sitting in the shower earlier and there was so much blood around me, and all I could think was how much I hate my life right now, my health is f***ed, I hate how I look, I can barely be around people any more, I'm so paranoid. Slightest sound or thing happens and I jump and start shaking. I just want all this pain and anxiety to go away. I want to live and be happy but it's so hard I don't know what I am doing and I don't know why I am the way I am. I just feel so claustrophobic and hot, but then I start shaking so I think I am cold so I put a jumper on but the jumper makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm going to pass out so I have to take it off. I don't even know what's happening with me. I don't know how I got like this. I used to be on top of the world, up for everything. Now, the supermarket scares me. Going outside scares me. I miss the old me.