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My struggle with CHANGE

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So one of my coworkers (also named Meghan) got invited through her husband's work, to attend one of his student's wedding next year in Ireland. Of course thats an incredible opportunity and, as you can imagine, I was more than jealous. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to travel. A couple weeks ago I was browsing this amazing website called WorkAway where you can travel almost anywhere in the world where people "host" their house for rent, and the payment is work. It seems like a wonderful program, props to whoever set it up, but it makes me extremely depressed looking through the pictures of houses and areas where people host, because I so terribly want to travel. Just thinking about Meghan going to Ireland makes me sick with dissatisfaction and jealousy.

Kill me! How can I travel? How do I get a job that requires travel? You know, I'd probably be ok just traveling once and then staying there and working there. Maybe I should get into the movies. They go everywhere. Though it makes me nervous thinking about doing that, because I'm bad at making connections with people and thats the biggest way to get jobs in the TV business.

My life is just not exciting and i need CHANGE. Even a freaking boyfriend, idk, I need something. And how long do I have to wait? I'm tired of waiting. What if thats all I end up doing for the next ten years and I never go anywhere or make new friends and nothing changes. I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified that I'm going to be 30, single, still living at home, still at the same job, and worse off than I am today. At least I'm cute and young now, but in ten years I'll be creepy and super excluded from society. Quiet and depressed-- surpressing the years of endless monotony that make my brain go crazy.

My life is going to eat me alive. I know what I like, but I'm not brave enough to break out of my comfort zone to do it. Traveling and job changing and the habits I'm interested in aren't things I can just up and go do. A part of me wants to do it anyways, and another part of me knows I'll never be able to, and yet another part of me accepts that I can't change my life and wants to die so that I don't have to deal with the disappointment of never changing. And this is not just about jobs and careers, its about confidence and change and adventure. If that means anything to me (which it clearly does), you'd think I'd be more than ready and willing to change. I'm scared of the one thing that I need most: change.

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