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Diary

In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.

I have agoraphobia and I have been forcing myself out of the house lately. I go to my boyfriend's every weekend and we always do something that's out of my comfort zone. Every time I go it gets harder and harder, even though it should get easier and easier. I don't know, maybe it's because I feel like my partner doesn't understand me. I mean, it's great that he at least tries but I need someone in my life to shoot a text to saying ''I feel anxious'' and they will know what to say to me straight away to make me feel better. My boyfriend just hugs me and says it's gonna be okay, but he doesn't really know how I feel or how difficult it is. I feel like I have to go because we have a lot of communication and closeness issues and if I stop seeing him then we will eventually just break up, and I don't want that. I'm just scared and alone and I need a friend in my life right now. 
Dear Diary,Today I woke up later than normal at 8/9am when the dog came to lay with me in the morning because she was so happy to see me, even though we slept in the same room over night. I woke up in quite a good mood because of that, and then I had to do my online education, I had English and Maths, and I was yawning the whole way through, I was so tired. I watched a lot of TV today, just trying to chill and relax and keep myself happy and busy. Caught up on a lot of TV - especially soaps and talent competitions - and it was sunny all day! It's weird because it's never sunny in England, so I knew I had to take advantage of the sun. So I sat outside with the dog for a while and then I decided to go for a walk on my own just to get some sun and also because I needed inspiration with my writing, I am still struggling for ideas on my book and…
Just look at us. Everything is backwards, everything is upside down. Doctors destroy health, lawyers destroy justice, psychiatrists destroy minds, scientists destroy truth, major media destroys information, religions destroy spirituality and governments destroy freedom.
I'm so sick of feeling guilty....I'm so sick of feeling like a burden....I'm so sick of feeling like I don't do enough when I do more then my share....sometimes I wonder what life would've been like if I never got myself into these last two years. I love them with all my heart, but am I strong enough for this? Am I good enough? Sometimes!mes I don't think so... Sometimes!es I question whether he still loves me? Am I still what he wants? Or has he had enough and just hasn't told me? Sometimes I think by the way he looks at me he questions his decision to bring me into this relationship. I  wish I could say this to him but he doesn't get my worries. But my worries are tearing me apart. I think I'm going to call the crises line tommorow because I seriously need help before its  to late to help me.
"Two Wrongs don't make a Right" but that was not in sight I wanted you to know I did not take it light you calmed it was something slight but come on now, we both know I am bright...   Hostile Environment Offensive Comments Aggressive Responses Misunderstanding Explanations Emotions Heighten.  Hope is forgotten. 
I am just sitting her watching Jail at my boyfriends parents, waiting for him to get off work when I remember my blog. Life has sure kept me on my toes for awhile. Last night my boyfriend, Nick and I hung out with one of his friends Jake. Now, don't get me wrong I have no problem with Jake, but when I've had enough of Jake it's time for him to get home. Well, turns out I had to take one of my pills to even be in the same room with him yesterday. And for some reason, today I had no problem with him. I find that ever since my boyfriend started working more hours lately, we have been fighting more. I have even came home every night from school (which is an hour and a half away mind you) just to make sure we spend time together. But everytime he gets impatient with me, I seem to get frustrated at him. I can't loose this man. He is the only one who has ever taken the time to…
In early Febuary 2016 I went to my doctor because I was just not feeling good. Had a tightness in my chest and it was hard to breathe. After talking to a nurse on the phone we were under the impression that i just had some congestion in my lungs. When I got to the doctors office wwe found out that my blood pressure was extremely high. The doctor was was afraid I might have a stroke it was so high so she sent me to the ER. After being admitted to the hospital for 3 days, I had my first panic attack. I'm a 35 year old stay at home mom and had never felt this way before. So needless to say it scared the hell out of me. After coming home I started to feel a little better. Then the anxiety set in again. I was put on Prozac to try and help but I had a reaction to it and it cause 100 times more anxiety for me. I was then switched to Zoloft but again I…
Sometimes I think about cutting to see if the pain will go away it started off not bad but lately its been really bad. I think about not just cutting but just ending it all. How would that feel. Would anyone care or even miss me? Would it make a difference if I was alive or dead? I wish I could figure out how to get over this before I really can't do it anymore.
Sometimes I think about cutting to see if the pain will go away it started off not bad but lately its been really bad. I think about not just cutting but just ending it all. How would that feel. Would anyone care or even miss me? Would it make a difference if I was alive or dead? I wish I could figure out how to get over this before I really can't do it anymore.
These past few weeks have been extremely hard. I'll wake up with my heart racing, or the littlest things will set my anxiety off. I feel stupoid because I can't control it and don't know how. The worse the anxiety attack is the more I feel like I want to hurt myself to make it all end to just make the pain go away for alil while. I have extremely bad problems with feeIng like a fuck up or I'm not good enough for anybody. My boyfriend and girlfriend are really supportive, but sometimes he acts like I'm just to much in my feelings. It has nothing to do with that and everything to do with the things stuck in my head. Sometimes!as I wish things could just go back to the way they were or that I could just disappear for awhile and would anyone even notice.

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