I did better today and I'm proud of that.
Today I broke my usual funk long enough to do the dishes and clean out our garage. I turned up the music in my living room way too loud, danced like I was a kid again and threw away a lot of garbage that has been just stacking up.
Since we just recently moved we are still trying to adjust everything now that we have way more room and are in a house. That means I have tons of boxes of just random stuff that I need to go through and the clutter makes my anxiety go through the room. That's why we threw it all in the garage so that I didn't have to see it everyday and I could deal with it when I felt better. Today seemed to be that day, at least for a short time.
It was ridiculously hot here in Northern California so I took it slow but I do feel accomplished that I was able to get at least a few things done. Hopefully tomorrow will continue on the same path and I will be more comfortable throughout the week.
I hope everyone is doing well. Keep your head up and remember: They can't eat you. No matter how bad it is, they can't eat you.
I have been scrolling through my tumblr when I saw this post on a favorite blog:
-How do I banish the anxiety loops in my head, that I know are ridiculous, but my stubborn mind won't quit scared my fragile heart with?-
I found lazyyogi.tumblr.com answer to be poignant:
Getting over an addition can come with associated side effects such as feelings of anxiety. You may need to address the anxiety first before you think about full recovery from addition since the emotions can be overwhelmingly powerful. Overcoming them depends on their severity. Some likely anxiety disorders include panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive and post-traumatic stress disorders. Learning anxiety management techniques and treating the disorder can help you to overcome addictions brought by anxiety.
I am so tired of worrying all day every day. Today wasn't as bad as the others but still not good. I am so paralyzed by the fear of something being wrong with me that I just stand back and watch as happy people live their lives without a care in the world. Today it was the fact that I have rough dry patches of skin, occuring genetically, but I of course see it as a problem with my thyroid. I also have headaches. Being the rational person I am, I was seeing it as a tumor or the all dreaded big C. I want so badly for their to be nothing wrong that I am wasting my days sitting on google and aging substantially. My face and body breaking out. I have so many aches and pains, but not because I'm sick, but because I do nothing but panic alll day. I've had anxiety since a very young age. Thinking that something bad will happen if I thought it, or even said it. I found solice in knocking on wood and chanting. I still find solice in my old ripped up Winnie the Pooh pillow that I got when I was 3. It has been here with me through all of my hard times and fears, not that my family hasn't been but I feel like they don't truly understand how hard it is to be me. To be this person who is crippled by fear from the time she wakes up ,to the time she goes to bed. I'm crying as I right this. Nobody but my family knows the extent of my OCD/ Anxiety and Hypochrondia.I find it hard to share this personal information with all of you, but since this is a place full of people like me, I feel okay, slightly nervous, but okay.
This is my first entry, so I suppose I'll do a bit of an introduction, as well as a summary of my current state of anxiety. The reason my title is too young to suffer is because I am 22 years old and I have so much anxiety in my life, I can't get over it. It was first noted by doctors when I was 3 that I had OCD tendencies so I guess I was born this way. I've had very differing levels of anxiety and panic throughout my life. Middle school was awful (but then again, when isn't middle school awful!?). High school was great. My first year of college was a bit of a bump-but only because my roommate told everyone I was crazy and had panic disorder (this quickly blew over when everyone realized she was the crazy one...). I succeeded amazingly in college, even with a job and an internship. I have never had any problem meeting and maintaining friendships, I've been in one long-term romantic relationships, and a lot of dates since then. So I often say...if this life were given to anyone else (without all this anxiety, panic, OCD thought pattern...) they would be monumentally happy. And don't get me wrong-I have been very happy, but it's times like now when I wonder how I could be happy without a happy pill.
My doctor recently cut off my panic medication, and I readily agreed to it. I was beaming from college graduation and ready to greet the world with open arms. I hadn't had a panic attack in years and figured I was ready to go off of it-I just had gone through major life changes, 2 surgeries, been diagnosed with chronic migraine...yea I could do this. The withrawal was interesting, but nothing I couldn't handle. I did fine, no panic, low anxiety. That is, until I started my new job. My chest has not loosened since I started my new job. The lump in my throat has not disappeared. My chronic migraine is pretty bad since I started my new job. Part of the reason things are rough is because I'm living with my parents and my mentally challenged brother. I love my family, but they don't totally have healthy ways of living (I mean mentally-the house is a mess, they procrastinate, don't communicate well). And this has increased my anxiety like you wouldn't believe. I'm still dirt poor so there's no way I can move out anytime soon. I'm paranoid about work-about messing up, making a mistake and getting fired. I know somewhere there is the person (the real me!) who is confident, vibrant, pain-free, worry-free, and ready to give to the world, but I cannot get through this wall. Even relaxation techniques are a bust. Also, note that I am on a high level of anti-depressant for the OCD, and this is the only one that doesn't cause me to have seizures. Yes...I am only 22, tell me about it!
So yeah... I've been trying to make my own website basically just like this one, but nobdy likes it I guess. Sucks to suck... but yeah if anyone actually cares I made a blog during the hardest part of my treatment called King Kong's Bitches. Yep. http://ocdfighter.blogspot.com/
I don't have an actual diagnosis of agoraphobia. I am diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety including OCD. I do have severe issues with getting out of my home. I am not really afraid of leaving really. I am not afraid of people seeing me or anything that some people I know are agoraphobic are. As far as I figure, my problems are more with the preparation to go and fears that I might forget something before leaving or coming home. I also become overwhelmed if planning to get some place gets complicated. I still love to get out! I love being at Mom's. I love to be at a restaurant for a meal. I even love to be at a store shopping! I don't mind so much going by bus... but I dread coming home by bus. I also dread arranging to get a ride home.
It isn't that I don't like being home either. I am quite comfortable here even though I have a clutter issue. It is "home" to me. It is the organizing to go that is the problem. It wasn't nearly so much an issue when I still had a car to drive places. My car was in my comfort zone. I could always get in my car and go home whenever I wanted and get something. I could always have a sports bag with me that had all I might want or need... but travelling by bus... or with a ride from someone else... it is not as easy.
Decades ago, a psychiatrist told me that a part of some of my panic with travelling somewhere had to do with my obsessing on the details of the route and on the perfect route. So I wonder if it is that same OCD issue. That I obsess on perfection or something similar, that I obsess on what might go wrong if I forget something when I go out.
Of course when it comes to going out, I have some health issues that come to to play. When I go out shopping, I likely will pay for it with a few days exhaustion. Health issues reduced my stamina which reduced what I could do. (I didn't reduce what I was doing which reduced my stamina... so many assume that. I went down fighting. I still fight it.) A person sometimes hesitates to do things that cause pain. I mostly hide, even from myself now, when I have panic/anxiety attacks. They do help exhaust a person though.
I take the bus to my Mom's for family occasions even though I could get rides there, but I do gratefully accept a ride home. I still don't know why even the thought of catching a bus home panics me? It always has since childhood. I can do it, but... when I was taking Zoloft years ago that tamed it a bit. And taking trazidone helps me not to be panicking as I think about it now. (Basically I don't get a flashback now.)
However I write too much... I still don't think I have traditional Agoraphobia. I am not afraid of being away from home. I am not afraid of being around others — though I do have problems panicking a bit in crowds when things get too tight. (Think standing room only on a bus.) I feel too many "stories" amongst all those around me. ...and I am still writing too much...
I guess it doesn't matter what it is called really. It keeps me from visiting friends. It keeps me from seeing my Mom. Worse it keeps me from getting groceries or seeing the Doctor. So even if it isn't agoraphobia, it is one thing, it is a Problem.