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Friday, 07 August 2015 03:33

overwhelmed

Well, I am new to this website and I am not too sure how it works but I am hoping it will help. I have been through a lot as a young adult and at this point in my life it has created overwhelming anxiety and setbacks.

When I was 10 I was diagnosed with cancer and although my treatment was fast I suffered severe PTSD that went untreated for many years. This is still an issue with me and one of the reasons my anxiety has gotten so bad. I am so afraid of dying that literally anything can set me off, even the word 'death.' 

I also suffered an assault when I was 15 and this has created a lot of fear in my life...

I am hoping to meet some people here that will understand what I am going through and can help me on my path to recovery. 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 25 July 2015 15:53

2 years! im back :) (little update)

wow..its been A LONG time since ive been on here... 2 years?! ... things have changed but not much.. i dont think, found a GREAT physiologist! i found out why i am the way i am... i grew up in chaos and a bad environment... half of my life i don't remember because i dissociate alot and it had to do with coping with things... but me and my DR are still doing some testing and talking to see what i possibly might have... which she says she does see borderline personality still and bipolar but its called ultradian cycling, plus possibly PTSD ... but i wont fully know until next week or even longer.... its going to be a long process to get me to think/live the life i deseve without feeling scared or parainoid etc. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 30 March 2014 20:22

not myself.

      feeling rather beside myself for today, not really happy with myself either even though i didn't do anything wrong. i really don't like that feeling when i can look into the mirror and feel as if who i see is not me, it feels like im a stranger in another persons body and without a doubt it's true. i tend to go into full panic attacks over this sometimes. if not a panic attack i'll get depressed or lose sleep. i do wish i was in a different life or at least something, i don't know. another thing that is bothersome is when someone say's "go with jesus he is the answer to all", i understand why he is saying it and believe it myself yet it seems like theres something more to it. i accepted the belief in jesus when i was little and fallowed as best i can so i know i already got him but the whole is still there. believers would say im just falling out of faith and losing my faith, well they may be right for all i know but i still believe. if he is one with me and i still feel this worry and lonlyness then why?. maybe there is a reason for it, he probably is leaving it like that for some reason. just because i don't understand something doesn't make it untrue. i guess i'll find out some day, i only worry that by that time it wont matter.

      i don't like being a man..... ever sense i'v been dragging my past back up to resolve some things i changed. when i first felt it i thought it was my innocens coming back to me. ever sense then i can't let it go because it feels like a gift from God or something. am i blessed or cursed? i sholdn't be cursed because of what happened to me in my past. i know it made me weaker but come on if i am never to get a break both emotionaly and spiritualy then whats the point. what am i supose to do huh? because i don't know and if i winde up making a mistake that might be really bad then why should i be punished more. why is the popular belief is punishment, wrath, and hate? can anyone tell me? are we being lied to by others? because the God i believe in doesn't lie, doesn't hate, isn't wrathful, and justly punishes, he doesn't tourter them in hell. why do so many believe in so much pain, pain that i carry with me in this life. that is why i don't wish hell or damnation on anyone, enemy or not. if i chose to be honest about how i feel life will change but weather or not if it will get better is unknown to me and anyone else. i could just screw it all up again in ways i can only imagine and even then i can't see. wish this was over but it's not and i can't end it so ya. looks like im gonna have to wait a bit longer or make a choice. either way it isn't easy.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 17 August 2013 21:20

Agoraphobia and PTSD

After living inside at my parents house, without leaving the door due to an anxiety disorder/agoraphobia, for about 5 years (between 2004 and 2009) I went to live on my own. Since then I've had my ups and downs. But I've been recovering and everything went uphill... Until...

In 2013 I've been the victim of two cases of assault/physical abuse and threat. This has affected my recovery so much that I have become an anxious person and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. 

 

Right now I'm reintegrating in society (especially when it comes to work) and seeing my psychologist on a weekly basis and it should help me to deal with all the negative things that happen to me.

 

Leave a comment or write me if you've suffered the same and how you plan to overcome your ordeal. I'm very curious!

Greetings from The Netherlands,

David

Published in Diary
Saturday, 16 March 2013 19:39

A Tale of Two Towers and Me

Last month marked the 20th anniversary of the first attacks on the World Trade Center. Largely unnoticed, even in NYC, the families of those who were lost -- seven souls in all, one of which was an unborn child -- were allowed to commemorate their loved ones at a ceremony held at the current 9/11 Memorial. That date, 2/26, not nearly as memorable in numbers of those lost nor of those of the date now embedded in our collective consciousness.

On 2/26/93, I was an undergrad at a college a few blocks north of the WTC. When news of the bomb and sounds of the sirens made their way to campus, not a single class was canceled. This was a typical day in NYC. That day consisted of lectures, dorm life, the making of partying plans. I can't even recall a discussion of terrorism in any class that followed that day. Life went seamlessly on.

On 9/11/01, I was working in a building a few blocks south of the WTC. When the first plane struck, I was in a conference room that had a clear view of the impact. We collectively gasped, but continued our meeting. Minutes later, when the second plane hit, we canceled our meeting. This was no typical day, not even in NYC. That day consisted of collapsing buildings, being trapped under and then above ground, and plans of escape. I can't even recall a day since that I don't think of what happened that day and the impact it has made on me all the years that have followed. Life goes limpingly on.

Published in Diary
Monday, 11 March 2013 22:47

Hopeless

I have no one that I really trust to talk to. David made me cut ties with certain people and I can't completely blame him for that. I still feel like he isn't here for me enough. He's the only person I have anymore that I can trust and talk to, but he doesn't like talking to me much. He'll talk to me for about 10 minutes tops then goes and hangs out with his friends or plays his video games instead.

I just feel like I'm getting worst and worst. I have a freaking headache because I can't stop crying, ugh! I think I may have developed PTSD after being mugged months ago. I think that may be why my anxiety and depression are getting worse, as well. I can't even concentrate anymore. I try to go on craigslist to look for jobs, but I just have this distracting feeling.

I'm feeling so depressed today. I haven't seen my kids in over 3 weeks  and that's definitely making things worse. I know they're well taken care of, but I fear when they come back they won't even recognize me anymore. This hurts. I just want to see them and hold them. I want to hear Ganon talk and I want to see Zelda moving around and laughing, cooing.

I don't have insurance and I can't afford to pay anything out of pocket for a therapist, but I know I badly need one. I've tried googling all that I can for low income/sliding scale fee therapist in my area, but I can't find anything! I feel so darn hopeless and helpeless. I'm stuck and I have no one to help get me out. I'm trying to do all the self help that I can. I'm eating healthier and trying to get exercise, but I feel like it's just not working.

I almost want to call the suicide hotline, like I've done so many times before when I actually felt suicidal. Just to talk to someone I fell like cares and that could maybe help me, but I know I can't do that. I'm not feeling suicidal yet and there are others who actually need that line to be free.

I told David I need lots of attention. I don't think he understands how horribly out of control this is getting for me, even though I tried telling him. Last night I went to the movies with my uncle and when someone was going back to their seat after getting up for something I was on edge for the rest of the movie and couldn't even pay attention because I was afraid of that person pulling out a gun and shooting up the theater.

I tried to get him to stay and talk to me on messenger earlier, but he didn't. The past couple days I've hardly talked to him. He just told me to talk to someone else. I told him I can't, because he's made me stop talking to the people that wanted to talk to me. He told me to find other people to talk to. Like it's THAT easy. Like I'm just going to open up to just anybody and risk them taking advantage of my trust.

I feel so frustrated. So hopeless. I feel like there's nothing I can do and no way for me to get help. I don't know what to do anymore.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 02 March 2013 15:04

Mental hospitals...

Okay, 

So back in October I had a really, really bad panic attack. 

I had ended up overdosing on ibuprofen. Honestly, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt or not. I wasn't in control, I know that much, because my panic took over my entire body and thought process. It was terrifying. I ended up calling 911 myself, because I didn't really know if I was dying (I was). 

Anyway, I had to stay in a psychiatric hospital after I left the regular medical hospital, and it was the worst experience ever.  Not only did I feel so out of place due to the fact there was a lot of people in there who had it worse than me, but no matter how you ended up there, people looked at you like you were crazy. And that's actually a PTSD trigger for me. 

okay so blah blah blah.. I ended up leaving the inpatient after a week or so and had reached the state of nirvana once I was in outpatient. That lasted a week. 

Now, only a few months later, I am back in the same exact place. My PTSD symptoms have subsided, but it's still something I struggle with. 

Plus, maybe this is my unpopular opinion, but I hate physiologist's.  All they want to do is pump my blood stream with drugs and it's such a god damn pain in the ass. 

 

Sorry for this rant. 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 15 August 2012 15:00

EMDR Part I

"If it's hysterical, it's historical." - Words to remember when freaking out. My former therapist used this phrase to explain to me how far back the anxiety and panic response goes. It wasn't until I began EMDR therapy that I began to understand exactly how true those words are.

EMDR is an amazing form of treatment that is slowly gaining attention in the larger world thanks to the power of Google. EMDR is: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming. In a nut shell it helps you build new neuro-pathways in your brain which allows old, negative pathways to grow over. Picture your brain as a forest. If you walk the same way day after day, you will create a path. EMDR allows you to see, in your minds eye, all the stops along that pathway. What will blow your mind is how seemingly random the events that created that path appear. By bringing these old, buried memories to the surface of your conscious mind you are able to process them and take the power of negativity away from them.

You are then able to build new, healthy, happy pathways by flooding your brain with powerful, sensory memories of a time in your life when things were wonderful. Eventually, like any other trail, when your old pathways go unused, nature will reclaim itself and those old pathways will heal over. This is also why positive affirmations work. Because by repeating something over and over it eventually wears a pathway, affirmations are great, but it can take a long time to get results whereas with EMDR you have a direct line to your subconscious. EMDR is used to treat trauma but can also be used for just about anything you can think of.

In my case, EMDR blew my mind. I experienced it in my mid-twenties with my first therapist. I was nearly phobic of travel but really wanted to see my godmother and cousins who lived in Mexico. My brother and I planned a trip together and I was desperate to ensure my panic disorder wouldn't stop me from having a good time. I did the EMDR once and seriously had the best trip I have ever had. We climbed pyramids and ruin sites, we went into Mexico City and shopped, ate at awesome restaurants, and all without a hint of anxiety or panic. I became a believer of EMDR.

More recently, in the past year and a half I switched from my traditional therapist to another EMDR therapist. This EMDR experience was much deeper and more intense than my first one because I had a whole new decades worth of trauma, hurt, panic, and pain to dig through. It was hard. EMDR is serious. You will feel exhausted and wonky after a session. You will be more sensitive because you have literally dragged your subconscious into the light of intense examination and that feels awful a lot of the time.

Nobody ever tells you this so I'm going to - Growth and Change - the biggies that everyone wants? Feel awful. AWFUL. When they are happening. It is in the moments of struggle and hopelessness that we experience true growth. Lasting change. Intimacy. All of those things come from being vulnerable. We, however, are hardwired to avoid pain.

We're taught that pain is bad, we should make it go away as fast as possible. I challenge you to stay in the moment next time you find yourself trying to shut down when things get uncomfortable. See if you can allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're experiencing and name it:  Fear, Guilt, Shame, Anxiety, Panic, Hurt, Worthless, Angry, Awkward, Silly, Stupid, Sad, Frustrated, whatever. 

Feel it. Feel it and see - your feelings will not eat you up, you are not what you feel, you are separate from your emotions. Just because you feel worthless or guilty doesn't mean you are either of those things. It means that you are experiencing them and you have a responsibility to yourself (and your loved ones) to find the root of those feelings and make peace with it.

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Published in Therapists Blog
Friday, 25 May 2012 18:45

Every Mile a Memory

I've been dealing with PTSD for over three years now. What caused this to happen to me? I woke up on April 3, 2009 to find out that my mother had been murdered on her front porch, just a few blocks away from my home....with no warning, and no idea why...I have been suffering for over three years now. The help of medication has been a God send, because it helped me to get stabalized to a point where I am not having full blown anxiety on a daily basis and  having it interfere with my daily life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't relive/rethink everything that has happened...and some days are worse than others. It seems like when the dr adjusts my medications, there is a period of a few weeks where I feel really lousy while my body is adjusting to the changes. After trying almost every pill, I have settled on Prozac, and Xanax for break through anxiety...which is normally at night when I am trying to sleep. It seems to keep me almost 100% in balance. Yesterday was one of my days that wasn't good....day three of a lower dosage of Prozac and feeling the side effects as I get used to it...heightened awareness of everything around me, being easily startled, on edge, etc...irrational thoughts running through my mind, every little pain freaking me out like I'm about to die...when I know better...it's still hard to break the "fear feeding fear" cycle of thinking. I've been trying to stay busy, and enjoy this beautiful weather. Also been walking three miles every night, which seems to help alot with reducing the amount of stress I have been feeling.

So....that being said....here's to an anxiety free day for everyone! Live it up the best you can and try not to worry TOO much Cool if it's a bad day, just dust yourself off, take a deep breath , pray , and start over. I have to be thankful for everything I am dealing with and going through, because hopefully I can help someone else while I get support from others as well. Be Blessed!

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 29 February 2012 13:21

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Basic Facts And Information on  (PTSD)

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that has often been misunderstood and stereotyped.  When an individual experiences a significant stressful traumatic event the body will typically respond through the development of post-traumatic stress disorder.  This response is healthy and normal in the short term.  Post-traumatic disorder is a normal response for a person who has experienced a traumatic event in their life.  Trauma is something that cannot be prepared for and comes into a person’s life unexpectedly.  In an instant, a person’s world can be completely changed and the stability that was once there can be quickly lost.  Individuals that have experienced trauma will experience post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms as they try to cope with and manage their traumatic experience.  It is important that individuals that have experienced trauma understand that their symptoms are normal and that their experience of a trauma is what is abnormal. 

 

Post-traumatic stress disorder is characterized by having symptoms related to re-experiencing of the trauma, heightened awareness, increased anxiety levels, avoidance, irritability, substance abuse, and depression.  There are many symptoms that individuals can develop who have PTSD.  Every person with this disorder will respond to their trauma experience uniquely and will have symptoms that are unique to them as well. 

 

Individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder are at a significantly increased risk of the development of other psychological disorders and addiction than the general population.  The majority of the time an individual that experiences a trauma will develop post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms and recover from them on their own without the need of significant intervention.  Humans are extremely resilient and with time and support individuals can often times overcome great trauma and come out the other side even stronger than they were before.  However, for some individuals, the weight of their traumatic experience can overwhelm them.  Their post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms can persist and the development of additional anxiety disorders can emerge as well.  Depression and anxiety are the most common disorders that have been shown to emerge from post-traumatic stress disorder in individuals. 

 

When an individual experiences a traumatic event the body responds to the significant trauma by producing cortisol.  Cortisol is a hormone in the body that is used in the stress response system.  In the short term the releasing of cortisol is an adaptive response because it provides the body with the energy that it needs to participate in a “fight or flight” response.  This allows people to feel reduced amounts of pain, increased physical ability, and a heightened awareness of the world around them.  However, over time, if a stressor continues to be present in an individual, this release of cortisol can become maladaptive.  Interventions for PTSD must focus on the reduction of cortisol levels in the body and the reduction of stress.  Cortisol levels in the body can be adjusted through the use of medications.  If the levels of cortisol are not reduced it can be extremely difficult for an individual with PTSD to overcome their symptoms and disorder.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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