Today I got out quite a bit. It was nice when I had company.
Someone I knew from high school, Dante, messaged me on facebook. We got to talking a bit and he offered to give me help on driving lessons. Which was uber nice of him so I gladly accepted.
When we got up to his house there were 3 cops parked right outside. It was like they were waiting for him or something because as soon as he got out one of them pulled up close behind his truck and told him his windows were illegally tinted. He let Dante go, at least. Sheesh that was weird.
Dante let me drive his van, but I guess it was running low on steering fluid or something because it was incredibly difficult to turn. I got high anxiety about reversing/backing out of places, but I managed to do alright. He said I did a good job, at least. After a while the van over heated so that was the end of the lesson. We drove back to his place, got in his truck, picked up his son from pre-school, then he took me home. We saw cop after cop on the way there. Apparently earlier today around the area some guy was pointing a gun at passing cars. Yilkes!
After I got home, I decided to head to the mall early to wait for my friend Chanel and give her her belated birthday gift (a "time turner" necklace from Harry Potter. Very beautifully made.) My grandpa had only just begun his nightly drinking so he was able to give me a lift. For a while at the mall, I was okay. I went to my favorite make-up place and spent more money than I probably should have. Than I browsed around a bit. After a while I headed to the food court and got a taro smoothie while I waited for Chanel. That's when it happened.
For some reason my mind jumped to the fact that I'm still jobless and even though I've enjoyed all my past jobs, I still haven't done what I'd *REALLY* like to do in life. Something I'm passionate about. Then I started thinking about my kids and how they'd view me with my job and I thought about how much I miss them and really just want them back into my life. I just started feeling like everything was collapsing. No one was around to talk to and I started panicking. Tears were running down my face as I tried to hide wiping them off my cheeks, because I was scared of a stranger coming up to me and me just bawling and letting it all out on a stranger.
So, I reached into my pocket and took out my Ativan. I've been avoiding these pills for so long. I mean, I got them almost 3 months ago and it's still on the same script. I really didn't want to take one and feel the zombie-like effects, but I also didn't want anyone to see me have a panic attack and think I was crazy. I slipped it under my tongue (the fastest working method according to an old psychiatrist of mine.) It didn't do anything. I thought "what the hell, am I immune?" I thought about taking another, but I was scared of just continuously taking them and overdosing. At that moment, I was lucky enough that Chanel texted me and told me she was there. I felt so relieved.
She loved her necklace. We spent some time talking. She got some frozen yogurt, then she got a manicure while I got a pedicure. It was soooo nice. I haven't gotten a pedicure in such a long time. It was definitely relaxing and now my feet feel great, lol.
After that, we went and grabbed some pizza and headed to the bus station. She was nice enough to take the same bus as me so I wouldn't be alone. I thought that was very thoughtful of her to be so sensitive to my anxiety. She really is a great friend. I'm glad I went out and saw her. :)
This Ativan is kicking my butt, now. I feel like a zombie. This sort of high is not something I particularly enjoy, but at least there's no anxious feelings.
**********TRIGGER WARNING: mention of drugs**********
During one of my previous hospitalizations I became friends with a dealer - J. I had a tough time during that hospitalization, I was lonely, I was distraught, I had been dumped by my psychiatrist and I needed people to talk to. I made a few 'friends' in there including J. He looked out for me. He taught me that no matter how repressed the circumstances you are in, you show the people around you that you bloody well 'own' yourself and that you won't be intimidated by them. Don't let them know you're afraid... even if you are. It wasn't the best hospital so it wasn't therapeutic so much as it was "do your time, handle it like a boss and get the f*ck out of there". When I left I made sure to stay in touch with him because I knew he'd have me covered, if I ever decided that I wanted anything.
You see, the reason I landed in that hospital was partly because I od'd on benzo's... But I'm off of them now, for the most part. I still take some occasionally, when I can get my hands on some. Doctors won't prescribe them to me anymore.
So anyway late last night I get a call from J, offering me first dibs on xanax or klono... or coke. F*ck that, I told him I'd never done coke (nor any other illicit drug) and that I wouldn't, NOT EVEN ONCE. But the benzo's. The temptation is strong. I feel like this is the only alternative that I am left with, seeing as I can't get them prescribed.
They are my friend, my foe. They are the only thing that gets me through social situations, that enable me to go to class, to eat in front of people, to interact with people without falling apart. But they are also the only thing that stops me from feeling the anxiety and therefore working my way through it, and therefore ultimately learning how to deal with it and work my way towards recovery. Intuitively I know this. But I cannot cope without them.
I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal, in the 516.