7 November 2014
Struggling mentally and physically right now. Health wise everything is poor, losing a lot of blood, getting dizzy, a lot of pain and barely sleeping. And i'm struggling with how I look. It absoloutely sucks being surrounded by all of these girls who can eat everything and do everything because they're perfect. They don't have to worry about internal bleeding, getting knocked, counting calories or what they put in their mouths. I just want to wake up, and wear what ever I feel like wearing because everything fits and everything looks good. But instead, my body is bloated one day and makes me appear to be the size bigger and too big for my clothes, and then the next day when i'm no longer bloated i'm too small for my clothes. I feel powerless to the Jenny Craig that lives inside my head. And I am trying so hard, you have no idea how hard I am trying. But trying to get fit and healthy is so hard to do when you keep passing out and in immense pain.
I don't know what's going on inside my head but i'm finding it so hard to talk to people, I just feel myself burn up and I get a real clouded feeling in my head and it feels like i'm going to pass out, I just end up twirling my thumbs and avoiding eye contact and I just get so over whelmed I need air and it even happens when i'm making a cup of tea. I was in safeway the other day with mum and it started happening and I didn't know what to do. I just feel like such a waste.
I was sitting in the shower earlier and there was so much blood around me, and all I could think was how much I hate my life right now, my health is f***ed, I hate how I look, I can barely be around people any more, I'm so paranoid. Slightest sound or thing happens and I jump and start shaking. I just want all this pain and anxiety to go away. I want to live and be happy but it's so hard I don't know what I am doing and I don't know why I am the way I am. I just feel so claustrophobic and hot, but then I start shaking so I think I am cold so I put a jumper on but the jumper makes me feel claustrophobic and like I'm going to pass out so I have to take it off. I don't even know what's happening with me. I don't know how I got like this. I used to be on top of the world, up for everything. Now, the supermarket scares me. Going outside scares me. I miss the old me.
Recentry my grilfriend pointed me to this celebrity surgery website. After doing some searches I saw that this obsesiveness with plastic surgery is triving on the net, there are sites for: bra sizes and Height and Weigh. I have to admit I spend some time checking out who did what type of surgery. After thinking about this for a while I decided to writte a post about it, mainly because we like to think about celebrities as people with now flaws and anxieties like the rest of us and this is far for the truth.
Celebrities have more on their plate than most people. It is never only about money and fame, but they realize this a bit too late, when their lives are no longer theirs. While they may portray strong characters on the screen, at the end of the day, they are left searching for their identities like any other person. They cannot afford to have a single lapse in their behavior, get angry with anybody, or even go for shopping without being denied time for self. Somehow they seem to do everything wrong. If they don’t wait up to sign those autograph books, then they are uppity, if they wait to politely sign on those autograph books, they are trying to woo the people or possibly unemployed because of some recent failure. Failures affect them more than they affect others. Everybody fails in some way or the other in their career. But the cost of such failure is not as huge as that of celebs failure. Consequently, they can’t afford to fail. It is anxieties like these that often lead them into believing that they can extend their career for a while longer, if they go under the knife.
Plastic surgery has come a long way and has become less expensive too but perhaps not for celebs. Plagued with anxiety about looks, and competition, they are willing to undergo dramatic changes, even if they have to fell pain for a while. There is, however, a thin border line between a person who is concerned about career and is hence opting for plastic surgery and another who is constantly finding fault with his or her appearance, irrespective of the number of plastic surgeries done on them. Mentally sound celebrities are often content with the surgical procedures done on her or him and do not start looking for another reason to be at the plastic surgeon’s clinic, at least not immediately. However, the other type of celeb is the one who may be having what is known and Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD.
A person with Body Dysmorphic Disorder constantly finds fault with personal appearance and ends up spending more time in plastic surgeon's hospital than at home. Such a person also becomes so obsessed with his or her appearance flaws that he or she cannot divert attention to other works, be it personal or career related. It is not one or two predefined flaws that the person sees in his or her physical appearance. It is a series of corrections that keep cropping up out of nowhere, as if the person could ever be perfect with plastic surgeries. This type of attitude towards surgery is actually a mental disorder. It needs to be differentiated from attempts to remove wrinkles, and look attractive by adding butt or breast implants. Everybody is vain to an extent, and celebs may be allowed to be more so than the rest because of their career needs.
We all have insecurities, some are related to the way we look and some are related to the way we behave, It really dosent matter what is making you anxious at the end of the day you will have to deal with your looks and personality. My advice is: Love your self as you are! Youa are the most beautiful person in the world if you believe it to be so.