So Its been 61 days without having any kind of Panic or Anxiety Attack for me. (I know this because I made a post back than here, and it says 61 days ago ^^)
Because this is a huge achivement for me (before that time, there wasn`t a single week without at least some small anxiety attacks) I decided to write down my thoughts on what made my symptoms dissapear.
Basically what happend was that I got pretty sick exactly that day I got this last and also worst panic attack. (I cant say if it was a coincidence or not) After one week of sickness I was hospitalized because I pretty much couldn`t feel my body chest downwards anymore. After some really rough days, things finally became better again, and day after day I got my feelings and strength back until I was pretty much recovered after an month after the outbreak.
The main thing i figured out that is different now, to the time I had attacks, is that I dont wanna change myself anymore. I always wanted to change my personality, wanted to be more outgoing, more extroverted and especially not anxious, and it just didnt work out. This created a huge pressure, I always tried harder and harder. Tried to prove myself to me and others, which possibly created my attacks in the end.
Now I have simply accepted the way I am and that there is no need to feel bad for beeing like I am, even though my personality is somewhat different from the mass. This acceptence of myself defenitly has been created during the really bad days in the beginning of my disease.
With that pressure gone or at least decreased to a minimum, life feels a lot easier now. I find it a lot more easy to do exactly the things I like, and not feeling bad or ashamed about it, nor beeing affected by the opinion of others. Also I dont feel bad about beeing myself anymore, therfore I dont feel the need anymore to impress others.
With all these factors gone, or at least decreased my panic and anxiety attacks also dissapeared.
This is at least how I think about it. Dont get me wrong I still wanna grow in terms of personality and so, but the approach is very different.
Back than I was unhappy with myself and simply tried to be somebody I am not. i put on a mask to hide my real self if you will.
Now I am happy with the way things are even if they are not perfect, and am trying to grow from this point. Slowly but consistently, like a tree building a solid trunk :)
At this point i wanna thank you all guys for your the help you gave me and will give me, you really are an awesome community. I also have to thank my therapist, who helped me tremendously in my Anxiety process, and of course my family. :)
I still have a long path before me, but now i feel good about it and now that I am on the right path.
Accepting myself and my personality and not wanting to change anymore and beeing somebody different made my anxiety and panic attacks dissapear.
Feeling Good Feeling Strong
If you had told me ten years ago I would be going to Weight Watchers meetings I probably would have punched you in the face. In fact, after punching you in the face I would have laughed at the absurdity of your statement.
I wasn't a believer in the whole "metabolism slows down after 30" thing. I'd always eaten junk food like it was going out of style. I even worked at Burger King for like, two years in high school. Mainly because I had a friend who worked there and she told me it would be fun. And I believed her.
(Are we noticing a certain naivete in my younger self? I think so.)
Sadly, everything I refused to believe has kind of come true. I'm not saying I'm wildly overweight and am on track to need a crane to get me out of my recliner. I'm just saying, I'm not digging my 34-year old body and think I could be doing a better job steering this ship.
I suspect a part of the anxiety I've been wrestling with has been about the belief that I am not strong in body or in mind. Because every time I had to do something out of my comfort zone over the last ten years I'd either have to drug the shit out of myself with Xanax and/or Clonipin (which did not always work, eventually my tolerance for that shit was on par with that of an angry rhino) or have a massive panic attack. Not an "uh-oh, I'm feeling funny and I'm a wuss who can't handle it" attack. No indeed. The best way I can explain my experience of panic attack is: my vision will tunnel so I can't measure depth of field well. My hands, face, and chest tighten and heat to redness and sweating.
My thoughts go from: "I'm okay, I'm safe, everything is okay, just breathe."
To: "I want to die. I wish I would get hit by a car so I could have an acceptable reason for this bullshit. I hate myself. I hate life. I ruin everything and I'm no fun and nobody should ever love me because I am a piece of shit and there must be something wrong with these people because they brought me to their (Fill in the blank - game, concert, batchelorette party, etc.)
Mixed with explosive diarrhea and nausea and usually followed by a migraine.
So no, it's not "all in my head."
I talk about my anxiety a lot because it has changed the shape of my life. It is not for sympathy. It is to help you understand that if you're the one having the panic attacks in your world there is nothing wrong with you. You are not defective. You deserve good things. You deserve to live the highs and lows of your life. You can do it, if I could beat it, believe me you can too.
It's also so the friends and family members of the individual with the attacks can understand how awful it is. How debilitating and humiliating and painful. So even though you're pissed that your plans got messed with, no matter how bad you feel, the person actually having the attack hates themselves and feels worse about themselves more than you could ever know. Because the one having the attack not only gets all the effects I mentioned above, but they also feel guilty and ashamed for losing their shit in front of you and letting you down.
Want to help someone in that situation? Tell them it's okay. You just want them to be okay. Hopefully, prior to your event, you listened to them when they said what they were and were not comfortable with. Most of us with anxiety know our triggers and have developed ways to avoid them. Personally, for me it was always of great comfort to know that I could get to an event just before it actually started so I wouldn't have a lot of down time where I wasn't being distracted. It also meant I needed to drive myself places so I could go home if things got ugly at any point.
Therefore, the awful day in Erin History when my husband innocently brought me to the Patriots/Miami game (we're Dolphins fans, well, he is, I just go with it) was one of the darkest we've had. Because despite my telling him numerous times I did not feel good about tailgating, he wanted me there with him because he loves the Dolphins and he loves me. He is a man who wants me to share his life with him and part of that life involves actually going places and doing things. He believed I could do it.
I, on the other hand and despite my best efforts hyper focused on being trapped in a parking lot with NO ability to get out at all in case of emergency (stampede? fire? terrorists?). I knew myself back then and I knew sitting around trying to eat of all ridiculous things would be hard for me. And big surprise! It was a complete disaster that ended with his friends having to drive him home (about 2 hours out of their way might I add) as I went to the hotel next door and got the concierge to have their limo driver bring me to the Home Depot parking lot our truck was in. Because I wouldn't let him leave the game entirely. It's once a year his team comes to town and I insisted he stay.
Afterwards he was furious with me and I can only assume his friends thought I was absolutely insane/high maintenance/selfish/whatever else. Disaster isn't a strong enough word. However, please understand, my husband has been through this with me for four years now. He struggled to believe the limitations his otherwise laid back, easy going wife had. It doesn't make sense that someone can't do simple, fun things. It defies logic and my husband is a very logical fellow.
It took me another two years to find my panic and anxiety cure. And if you've been paying attention you know that was due in one part to a brilliant psychiatrist and the rest was Rhonda Britten/Kripalu wellness and yoga center in western MA. It took me about fourteen years to get to a place where panic does not control me and I feel safe in my own head.
The physical body stuff I'm hoping and praying will be easier. Certainly less traumatic that's for sure. In about six months, I'll be 35. It's my goal to be lean and mean and ready to rumble! With like, muscles, and stuff. Today at weigh-in I was down 2.4 pounds. Go me!
It didn't happen by accident, but neither do most things. Call me Point Tracking Mama when you see me. And I will fight the urge to punch you in the face. I promise.