I was going home this afternoon when I felt like I wanted to pee. I had an intrusive thought about vaginas. When I was going to the bathroom I thought '' Time to drain the lil puss puss'' which I thought was inappropriate. So I became a little disgusted with myself which in turn made me anxious and I couldn't take the words ''lil puss puss off my mind. Next is I had intrusive thoughts about swallowing coins. When I came into my room, I deposit the change in my pocket into an ice cream container. Seeing the amount of coins in there I had an intrusive thought about swallowing them. I attribute this thought to watching a television program in my childhood about a child who died because she accidentally swallowed a coin. I had quite a large amount of small change, I was planning to have it changed into bigger bills at a store.
I decided to do that today. I counted all the coins until I had the amount of one hundred pesos, and during the time I was counting, I had intrusive thoughts and images of swallowing them. I pulled through and got it changed without having a panic attack.
I felt glad that I did it, that I managed to count despite having fears. This lead me to a realization that despite having anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I still have control. I feel hopeful that I would be able to go back to normal or close to it.
All of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have stems and triggers that my disorder blows out of proportion. I will list down my fears and intrusive thoughts and expand on the sources.
1.) I was afraid of thinking the word ''vagina'' or anything related to it because of its inappropriateness. I attribute this to receiving a picture of a vagina from a girl whom I chatted with and it freaked me out. Needless to say, I don't chat with her anymore.
2.) I was afraid of being inappropriate or having inappropriate feelings to friends or people who are girls (especially those attractive ones) , I attribute this to my high school days when I had feelings for my best friend who is a girl. It was a difficult time in my life. I managed to push away my best friend because I was still hiding or denying my sexuality.
3.) Blowjobs, I had intrusive thoughts about this which I attribute to reading ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'' where the protagonist of the storywas forced to perform fellatio on her legal guardian. I already read this book before my history of anxiety. I also read this during a time when I was anxious, so there we go.
4.) Intrusive thoughts about incest. I saw the movie ''The Dreamers'' about paternal twins who have an almost incestual relationship. The film was graphic and I saw it when I was anxious too.
5.) Fear of going crazy. This I attribute to having anxiety alone, it can make one feel like she is going out of control.
Now that I know these stems. I know that I am in control, and that the only time that I may lose control is when I get a panic attack because of anxiety. And this is very treatable, can even be cured, or even make me turn out to be a better person.