Words can not explain how much pain I feel inside...How much fear I feel every night.Words can not explain how much I dread going to bed.Because as I lay there bad thoughts roam in my head.Because everynight now when I go to bed I FEAR rolling over and seeing mark or my baby blue in the face..I'm so afraid that my daughter is going to have to miss her first date because her face starts to swell or that mark will have another episode on our wedding day..Maybe I think to much into it, because they reasure me sky wont suffer as long as I am her mother and I make sure she gets medication in time...but im afraid of the what if's...What if everything goes wrong. What if I can't afford that medicine. I know its not cancer... that the only reason itll be life threatening if it goes to their throat, but still. Mark was in in the position before. Its kind of ironic,a mom who his a constant worrier to have the loves of her life diagnosed with a rare disease. It kinda makes me chuckle at the irony. I just have to take one step at a time.
I havent been online for many reasons
ive been busy interning and i dont have acomputer. Plus the version of ASN is annoying on my cell phone.
Anyways, so mark had another episode of his Random Severe swelling... but this time they emmited him into the I.C.U
i left internship a little early that day and wen to go see him in the hospital , but i didnt expect it to be THAT bad.Turns out the doctor said his throat closed completey.
He was on a breathing tube and it was just horrible,
To make it short the diagnosed him with a rare genteic disease called Hereditary Angioedma.
Yes, hereditary. So now we have to get my daugther tested too... but after 5 days of him being in the hopsital they gave him some medication that no place in fresno had called C-1 Esterase Inhibitor. It works within 4 hours. He was off the breathing tube and then just on a mask.
After contacting the HAE assocation they reasured me that everything will be just fine. If sky has it they have medications just like they gave mark but more easier to use at home. Im
so thankful for those people who put in the effort to understand this rare disease.
They said they only have record of 7 people in Fresno,Ca that have it.
And for you folks out there who are self-diagnosers, you would deffitenly know if you had Angioedma. You would be swollen all over your face! So dont worry.
(IM GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT A LOT OF NEGATIVE STUFF( HEALTH RELATED) DONT READ! WOULDNT WANT TO TRIGGER YOURE ANXIETY)
i just get so scared when random thoughts just pop into my head. I wonder why im even thinking the way i am... its just so negative.
Last night, it was around 11ish. I just got this random scary thought about how scary Death is! I knew a guy who had drowned a couple of months ago ..almost a year.
I just thought how scared he mustve been... how scared he mustve felt. Its such a mystery to me...Then i remebered this lady who asked me " You dont remeber when you were born,right?You wont know when you die" But what if its something incredibly tragic?! Something painful and slow? What if its instant? What if its Peacefull?
I dont know... all these thoughts came running through my head and i just started to feel really anxious and i just wanted to cry!
But i just grabbed my phone and browsed through Pintrest til i passed out.
I was doing so good... i was getting to a place where i was feeling more stable with my anxiety, more happy! But since Benny passed away and i just stood their the whole time since he was alive till he had passed. It kind of changed my outlook. I mean yeah hes just a dog...but he seemed like he was in so much pain the seconds before he left us.
I remeber just sitting next to him and kept saying " It's okay ,Benny...It's okay, Benny" i couldnt leave him.. i wanted to get up when i knew he was almost gone because i didnt want to witness it! I was scared but i knew leaving his side would be a selfish thing to do, he mustve been just as scared as i was.
I know a human's life is different from a dogs but Benny was special. He was disabled but at the same time he wasnt. He was just full of color despite being blind... i miss him so much...
I miss him too much. Yesterday i had gone christmas shoppin and i was thinking about all the stuff i wanted to get him and how he would love this and love that..but its just different now that hes gone.
And i cant help feel that its all my fault. I couldve been prevented! I shouldnt have gotten a dog when i couldnt aford to get his shots... i was going to get his shots from out local pet store and just have my family member do it.. it wouldve been just as good but i didnt get it soon enough...I only had him for 2 months.
But those two months were great with Benny.
Wow. Random? From a bad night of anxiety to the death of my Dog?
Idk , they all seem to go together in this big ball of Anxiety.
One thing makes me feel this way, then that feeling reminds me of a incident ,then that incident makes me feel anxious, then BAM! Anxiety.
A Teacher is a person who loves their students as if they were their own children.
Someone who devotes their time to each and every individual.
A Teacher is a person whom, no matter how many times you have fallen to the ground, was always there to pick you up!
This teacher was inspiring
In everything that they did
This teacher did not have to tell you
“You’ll be okay”
This teacher didn’t have to harass you to make sure you got your assignments or check offs done in time.
This person did not have to any of these things, but they did . . . because they truly cared.
Being a teacher is more than just a Title.
It’s beyond that…
Being a teacher, from a student’s point of view
Is something that you have to feel in your heart.
Anyone can teach, anyone can assign you work and lecture you.
But to able to stand by your side through your battles and their own,
And make sure you success because they want you to, sometimes even more than you probably want.
That, Is a teacher,
Ms. Montez is that teacher.
Ms. Montez, you have the ability to turn each and every one of your students into successful individuals.
No matter where we all have came from or what we are all going through, you have always been there for us.
So, last night i looked up the symptoms of Meningitis.
WHY?! what in the world would possess me to do such a thing?
My stupid self did.
Im such an idiot, i new better but i did not listen to myself ( the one time i should have )
My jaw litterally fell in terror.
My body got instantly 90 degrees hotter.
My mind raced about 200 mph over the lovely and positive thoughts of WHAT IF'S ( yeah right )
It was just a shitty ass experiince.
I have no idea why i would even try!
It all happened because i saw on the news that some local had gotten in.
IT scared the shit out of me..my grandmother watches the news and i always seem to be in there while someone horrible comes on the t.v
its never about Positive stuff
So lately i have been so close to just stop eating.
Ill eat bfast,lunch,and dinner and my junk
then when im done eating i sit and think..shit how much salt was in that?
how much salt was in overall?
Then i start to freak out because im afraid of consuming to much salt
ill admit im not skinny
not extremely fat but i could be in better shape.
i havent done much exercise and i should be but idk
i would rather be lazy than be fit
in the moment i mean
but when i think of how happier i would be if i was back in my old jeans i get so happy but i dont know how to do it
im afraid of picking up bad habbits like starving myself because im afraid of salt.
Im such an idiot.
My diary is very random. i usually type as my thought go off.
well im feeling anxious and idk y.
i really like my teacher ms. montez shes so helpful and honestly i think shes the only one that can calm me down.
I cant really talk to mark becuase he doesnt understand..
i feel like it upsets my mom when i talk about my anxiety with her because she doesnt know what to do to help me.
So i just sit back and sing "Dont Worry ... Be Happy" in my head...basically on repeat.
I dont want this stupid thing to get in my way of anything and i dont know what im even letting it. It does me no good and makes my body feel like crap.
I can feel me trying to breathe in and breathe out becuase my body is just not letting me.
and its kind of hard...
Im really glad i met ms.montez, ive never met anyone who could speak to me the way she does. Sometimes i dont even hear whats shes saying ,its just the tone of her voice that is soothing.Its like im so tuned into her voice that im not focused on the little sharp pains in my chest or the worry thoughts that flow through my mind.Shes pretty awesome.
Its almost time for class and she said i can go in as soon as i feel better so im thinking by 1:30 ill go in ( class starts at 1) my head is still kind of fuzzy...
so..how my mind works is random. Ill be okay and worry-free and then im like wiggin' out and my thoughts are going 5,000 mph!
Oh my god, what if i am having a heart attack? What if i go crazy because of my anxiety? What if i talk about my fears they'll happen?! What if , what if,what if...
Why? What in my brain can make me feel so low that i will even think half of the stuff i do? Ill admit,some are pretty nuts. Ill of course NEVER act on them becuase they're scary.
Being afraid or being in a scary position holds me back from a lot of things and i dont know why? What is scary?Whats scary to the normal person and what is scary to me? What is normal? Am i normal?
I dont know.
I think thats the most scariest thing ever... not KNOWING. I like to know , and i ask alot of questions about it becuase if things dont go as i planned them to i automatically do into some defense mode and stress becuase i wonder "Well? what is going to happen then?
I have a lot of questions that arent answered. That i wish there was some holy number i could call and ask them anything i want but i know in the end i might not be happy with all my answers.
I need to stop worrying...i sound nuts.
So about a month and a half ago i was at school and i had the worst panic attack ever.
I saw something on the news that triggered it..cant exactly remeber what it was.
so when i went to school i was just in this horrible mood ,i couldnt function.
our first ten minutes break came along so it was about 1:50
AND when it was time to go back...i just didnt.
i went into the bathroom because the girls in the computer room could hear me almosto n the verge of crying.
and i just broke down...
shaking and choking on my own breath.
i couldnt do it anymore,i thought.I cant!
then one of the instructors came in there and i just slapped my hand across my mouth hoping she couldnt hear me in the stall.
but she did.
I fell to the floor and just sobbed, uncontrollably!
So my teacher asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I did.
Nothing really happenede after that but I was just in shock of how bad that panic attack was and it brought up from...nothing. Something so little and made into a Big deal.
I realized how powerful my brain is...
Now if I only can use it in a good way.